Here is my attempt
 

Dear Waves and BJ,

Upon first reading this, I thought this exercise hard and had to think for awhile.
It's still hard, especially to follow Waves -- because your list is so beautiful.

Some free association with regard to comfort:

Anything feeling like I am being supported or held up. Also, lots of water images for me:

-leaning against the trunk / bark of a strong tree
-a firm sofa / couch
-truly beautiful furniture
-sitting with feet in a big fountain or hanging over a dock
-light breeze from the ocean

-someone doing something for me like hubby preparing a sandwich or a student requesting that he can sweep my office for me

-a phone call asking how I am doing (I don't really get those but I would feel treasured and comforted if I did)

-humidity (it's dependable)

-performing repetive tasks like needlepoint or sewing on buttons quiets my brain sometimes and helps me comfort myself

-yoga teacher holding me or guiding me in a position

-hearing my tdoc's voice on voice mail asking how I am doing

- .. ..Maybe if someone tells me that they understand me and I feel that we connect. A connection can provide a glimpse of comfort.


M.

The four agreements:
Be impeccable with your word. Speak with intergrity, truth and love.
Don't take anything personally, what others say is their reality.
Don't make assumptions, ask questions, communicate as you can to avoid misunderstandings.
Always do your best.
It will be different when you are sick or healthy. Avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.

Comfort means different things to different people. But is this what she wants to hear? I think she wants me to say something like self-acceptance. :o

I was always good in convincing other people except myself. People used to always consult me about different topics and they always thought I was very reasonable to them and was able to clarify things and matters in life. I look at myself now and I see I can’t manage myself and was never able to. I was just going with the flow with no plan in my head and no vision of what I want to be in the future.

After work when I’m alone I keep pondering my existence and what I should be doing and I keep going in circles. I hardly sleep at night because of this. I am self motivated but I'm blind. I can’t find my passion in life. My only comfort is Hooper and my ferals but I have a boundary and something that's pulling me back and I don’t know what it is. It’s just driving me crazy. I know that happiness is a state of mind and I'm not happy. I’m afraid to make a change as every time I do, I keep going one step behind and ask myself why did I do this in the first place. My fear right now, big time, is sitting for the CPA exam. Will I fail one more time?

fr: janne w
truly congrats to you-and keep at it

A Life Changing Revelation
 

Dear BJ,
Prepare and sit for the CPA exam if you feel ready.

If it involves too much fear, let it go for now. the exam will be there. Which will be worse for you -- failing the exam or not taking it and wishing later that you had worked past the fear and taken it?
Of course there is the third option: You could take it and do very well. That could very well be your outcome. Be prepared for good outcomes.



She does not want a specific answer. She wants to know that you are thinking about what it means to you.

BJ. I can' t find much passion right now either. It might come back -- that would be some time AFTER I am so focused on surviving each day.

Personally, I think that passion is over rated and surviving is super important.
If you need to, focus on survival issues. As you get better, the passion will come.

Happiness will come too.
It will come in times and places you least expect it.
Still, it will start showing up in moments. You can prepare by making room for it and being read to embrace it when it does show up.

M.

Courage is one of those things that everyone tries to understand, but that nobody really gets. When most people talk about courage, what they really mean is “fearlessness.” As children we are taught that having courage means being fearless. Courage is ignoring your fear and standing up to danger, no matter how scared you are.

When I’m depressed, I’m terrified of a lot of things, especially anything to do with other people. I hate going to parties where I don’t know anyone and would rather be alone.

I respond to this fear by doing what I had been taught. I ignore it. I figure that I’m being irrational and that I have to get over my fears, just like everyone else does. But it doesn’t work. The more I try to control my fears, the more they seem to control me.

You’re right Mari, I have to survive but I also have to pass this exam. If not, I’m a failure in my eyes and the partner’s eyes. I’m just having such a hard time remembering what I’ve just read.

I think you are brave bj.
look what you have come thru...you have tried many things inorder to continue to be with us, this takes courage to try new things....vns, ect you are in therapy and are tackling your issues....being in therapy speaks alot in itself.
remeber when You could not talk at all so you have come a long way.
Are there sample tests thru books or otehr wise that you could take on your own to see how you are doing?
beth

well i wanted to say something
 

about the test...

but i'm afraid to (irony of sorts) now.

if you have made up your mind to sit for it BJ, i wish you success with all my heart.

there is a difference between irrational fear of failure and realistic "fear" due to objective assessment of present ability. irrational fear of failure can be met only with courage. fear due to real issues is a survival flag. fear triggers the fight or flight response. depending on the situation, the most reasonable answer is not always fight, sometimes it is flight.

if you have not decided yet, remember you do not have to be a hero. i think there is such a thing as taking on too much. only you can decide if it is too much. if you think it is, i would tell the partners something along the lines of you are currently involved with some personal commitments made some time ago (that includes the effects of ECT but you don't have to put it that way) which require a large time investment on your part, you would prefer to take the test at a future time when you are more "freed up" to preparing for it adequately.

have you told them that you are taking it or not taking it or made any statement of intent? that can still be adjusted by saying you have tried to juggle your current commitments around but there is a limited amount you can do, and you feel it is not enough. if you have not told them anything, don't tell them anything yet.

recognizing the impact of ECT on your memory is not wimpy, it's realistic. the fact you went through that and are rebuilding yourself after it, is heroic of its own.

i would encourage you to assess, either through practice tests, or just evaluating your study progress methodically (any sort of self-test or review questions...) whether you are realistically prepared to pass this test, now.

and act accordingly. if you take it just because you feel cornered, and fail it, that will be worse than if you say you cannot juggle the test due to prior personal commitments that are taking up a lot of your time.

the test will be there to take when your memory improves, which it WILL. (at that point, you will also be less afraid to take it, i'm betting - which itself will help a bit.) and then you WILL pass that test. and THEN, no matter what impression (you think) you might give now, then, you WILL LOOK GOOOOOOOD.

:hug:

~ waves ~

i believe courage is facing/accepting fear, not ignoring it
 

let me preface this by saying this is just my opinion/viewpoint on fear, and courage, and how it can apply...

i would say that courage is accepting and then facing one's fear, not ignoring it. Ignoring it sounds like pretending it isn't there. Danger is not inherently easy or difficult to face. The part that can make it difficult is fear - that is what has to be "stood up to." If one has no fear, such as may occur in some manic states, one may not even appreciate "danger" as such.

This makes sense to me. for a couple of reasons.

first, if you do not have the inner resources necessary to cope with going to a party, the fear may not be completely irrational. it may be a way that your brain is telling you you need quiet time.

second, in the case where you are perhaps getting better, and realistically could manage a party, if perhaps with some difficulty, to "get your feet wet" socially again, ignoring the fear - applying what i said above, does not make it go away. and by not paying any attention to it, you are not going to control it. only by acting mindfully in spite of it do i see a sense of control. you may not be able to have complete control. you may be overcome after a while and have to leave the party early. but that is ok. at that point i would consider it reasonable to think that you can cope only to a limited extent, and have already pushed your envelope to that extent.

these things i say based on my own experience mostly.

~ waves ~

There was mention before at this site about the Jeffers book...
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.
Mention on this thread...what is the opposite of happiness? Answer: Fear.
There is a great quote...I don't have it exactly...
it goes something like this....
"I don't sing because I'm happy. I'm happy because I sing."
Person X wants to be happy.
They know that singing makes them happy.
Therefore, they sing.
IIMHO, prepare as best as you can, then feel the fear and do it anyway. Take the test.
It should be fine.
If not, what is the worst that can happen?
Can you get another slice of toast???? (What was THAT movie?)
Can you take the test again?
Can you take the test quietly...only announce to folks that you took it AFTER you passed it.
Q: What do you call a doctor who got a C- on all his tests?
A: Doctor.
Put one foot in front of the other and go forward my friend.