If I learn to see "dis-abled" as "other-abled" and that my mental "illness" is a mental "challenge," I think I can accept myself on an as-is basis.

My goals before bipolar disorder are not the same as now. So when will I define what "success" means in my life? If I am a high jumper, am I going to set the bar high enough to be a challenge? Or will I set it lower so I know I won't fall flat on my face? Would it be easier to let somebody set it for me?

I remember the Beatles' tune, "Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life you have waited for this moment to arrive."

Some would argue that Einstein was bipolar. It takes a gifted mind to truly challenge what is thought to be known. A gifted mind is usually diagnosed with some type of a mental illness. So we are lucky in a way. After all what kind of a man would dare to question Isaac Newton’s theories? Someone who views the world differently perhaps?

I am asking myself questions like this. Do you also ask those questions? What are you going to do with your life to make it meaningful? I want to one day say, "I am bipolar and I am successful?" The partners are urging me to sit for the CPA exam ASAP. I’m sitting for one part the end of May and another in July (no one sits in June). I’m struggling with this because I’m having a hard time retaining the material due to the treatments. But will this make me successful?

I asked my pdoc this and she defines success not by how stable we are, but by how well we accept/follow through with treatment, communicate with the therapy team and ask for help when needed. To me that’s a step in the right direction and I have to communicate better but is this being successful?

I am not bipolar but have several family members who are so I'm somewhat familiar with the difficulity in "learning from past mistakes", so I think the answer BJ is, yes...that is a success.

Kay Jamison in her book, An Unquiet Mind wrote this...

"I am fortunate that I have not died from my illness, fortunate in having received the best medical care available, and fortunate in having the friends, colleagues, and family that I do. Because of this, I have in turn tried, as best I could, to use my own experiences of the disease to inform my research, teaching, clinical practice, and advocacy work. Through writing and teaching I have hoped to persuade my colleagues of the paradoxical core of this quicksilver illness that can both kill and create; and along with many others, have tried to change public attitudes about psychiatric illnesses in general and manic-depressive illness in particular, It has been difficult at time to weave together the scientific discipline of my intellectual field with the more compelling realities of my own emotional experiences. And yet it has been from the binding of raw emotion to the more distanced eye of clinical science that I feel I have obtained the freedom to live the kind of life I want, and the human experiences necessary to try and make a difference in public awareness and clinical practice.

*****************

I think it took great courage for her to go public with her illness but I think this book is filled with hope and demonstrates the possibility for much success in spite of the battle with the "beast" of depression.

Success to me after I'm gone from this world that something I've done while still here goes on for the good. To me that may be me being a good role model or on a more personal level if I have an estate leaving it for a fund to help abused women. I guess for me personally, success is always striving towards my goals and once I acheive them strive towards more goals. Sucess is never giving up.

And yes, I do sometimes find myself challenging the norm. Sometimes it gives me great grief to do so though.

I'm just trying to find some focus and direction in my life. For once, in a long time, I don't just think of my illness. I'm thinking of my future, my goals, my dreams. I want to do good in the world, I want people to admire me for who I am, I want to be happy.

Happiness right now is taking care of my ferals, and Hooper of course I feel good that I'm helping these cats. I even bought them a feral villa, they're own kitty condo with a slate roof and also a feeding station.

I want to be successful as a person, my job, my career. I'm trying not to let this in, but the fear of failure is creeping in. Can I pass this exam? Can I make the partners proud of me? I can't help but think they're all waiting for me to fail.

Everyone messes up. It's the ability to say "I'm sorry" and to fix the relationships that count. And I'm trying to fix the things I've messed up but I seem to be spinning my wheels.

I have An Unquiet Mind on my Kindle Alffe. Maybe I should read it again.

Dear BJ,

These existential questions are important and return while we grow with our lives.
In the meantime, we make daily / weekly / monthly / yearly decisions. If taking the CPA seems like the right decision for what you want now, then go ahead and sit for it. Try not to second guess yourself by thinking of what the partners will think if the results go one way or another.
Mari

I agree with mari

And I personally have lots of faith in you.

donna

BJ,


My major goal is to stay alive and to do so with grace-- that is my job in this lifetime.

Everything else is secondary.

M.

I'm afraid of failing. I've worked so hard for this and don't want to fall flat on my face.

I’m doing my best to say “no” to distractions and encourage my mind to stay focused studying for this exam. Sounds easy in theory, but in reality life is full of many lovely and not so lovely distractions, each doing their best to grab my attention and tempt me away.


Some days I feel like I have the concentration span of a 2 year old, and the simple task of replying to an email is constantly interrupted with a sloppy wandering mind. Or is this my mind tricking me into failure?

Dear BJ,

Your mind is not tricking you into failure.
It wants to work with you.

And maybe you don't have to say "no" to anything. Start saying "yes" to what is in your life.

Try to find a strong positive reason to study for the test. For most of us, it is better to be motivated by something good than to be motivated by something bad like failure.

Imagine how you will feel after you study and do the best job you can on the test. Imagine how you will reward yourself the day after you take the test. Imagine how good it will feel to know that you successfully got through this difficult task.

You have succeeded at other things that seemed difficult at the time. Remember those times.

Mari

Dear BJ [so nice to see you back posting]

What is success? GREAT QUESTION.

Sometimes what we want from success are the more important questions.

quote'''I want to do good in the world, I want people to admire me for who I am, I want to be happy''. end quote

I admire you BJ that makes you Sucessful.........but is that enough to make you feel successful?

What we desire from success is recogition of 'who we are' & 'what we do'

if we accept who we are and what we do ..............again are we not successful.......or does it mean other peoples vision of us is more important, than our own view of ourselves.........???


The greatest quote i ever heard was.............'its not learning to weather the Storm, that matters....but learning to Dance in the rain ....that counts'


if we want recogition from others, lets recognise our strengths and work with them....let us recognise our weakneses, and workr harder with them
if we want others to applaud us....lets applaud ourselves first..
if we want to help others, then let us help ourselves...

SUCCESS IS A WORD THAT DESCRIBES..........ACHIEVEMENT/ACALADE/REWARD/DESIRE............

its a big word...............the results dont have to be so high up a pole they become unatainable ..............see succsess.....as development/perseverence/enlightenment...............others may not notice your success on this path.......BUT YOU WILL

David