i'm sorry to hear this...
 

Dear BJ :hug:

it sounds as though you are keeping your therapist's promise for her and she is not really party to the reality of how you leave therapy. Might you talk to her about this breaking down afterwards... or simply let yourself break down before, so she can see what is going on in the context of therapy?

If she becomes aware her "promise" is not really working, she will perhaps be able to work with you to improve things, so you don't end up breaking down in your car.

I think it may still happen SOMETIMES. I occasionally leave therapy feeling worse than when i went in. Or start to feel worse about the session during the week that follows. For instance, things may only sink in "afterwards" so i will have a latent reaction, or occasionally i will feel the session was very incomplete, yet other times, i might feel "not heard." But MOST of the time that is not the case.

I hope you can find it in your heart to talk to your therapist about this. Feeling bad consistently after a session does not sound good to me. I think it is worth trying to resolve it with her.

:hug:

~ waves ~

I met with my tdoc the other day and went over my nursery rhyme. I didn’t have the nerve to sing it to her so I just read it. It made her cry and it made me so uncomfortable. We were talking about getting to a point of "self worth" and she started to cry and said it was because she cared about me and wanted to help me and to see the good in all me, I can’t remember the rest.

I told her about not being able to remember what was said in the session because I’m not always “there”. So she agreed to write out notes for me to take home so I can review it myself. She doesn’t want me to write while I’m there because I need to stay present.

We talked about my emotions over the past week. We discussed mixed episodes in more detail and I informed her of the fact that I had 2 previous mixed episodes, but didn't realize it at the time since I was confused by my emotions and how it was possible to feel manic, depressed and tired at the same time. She told me how serious mixed episodes are due to the fact that when someone is manic and severely depressed at the same time, it can cause a great deal of anxiety which can be overwhelming and difficult to cope with. That's exactly how I felt during my episode last week. I said I'd rather feel manic or depressed, but not both at the same time. She said that I’m starting to feel real emotions that I haven’t felt before and it’s causing anxiety.

I then went onto explain that I can't stop thinking about the way my life used to be when I was actually happy and could laugh at just about anything. She said that I’m focusing too much on bipolar. Instead of focusing on the here and now, I’m thinking too much about how I feel, my cycling and my meds. She said every time I come there I’m talking about bipolar. I was confused by that because how could I not talk about it?

I have new homework and it doesn’t sound hard but it is. I'm supposed to journal every day, especially on what we discussed until I see her next week and she wants me to share it with a close friend. That’s the hard part because there is no one I can trust. But I honestly think we’re making progress. We have some major issues to deal with since the anniversary is approaching but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

Wow, Bj
It sounds like you are making true progress in your therapy.
I am glad that she is going to tkae some notes for you.
I am so proud of you for sticking with her and allowing her to get close to you....and you close to her.
It is obvious that she really cares about you.
It too am confused about her not wanting to talk about your bipolar when it effects everything that we do.
((((HUGS)))))
beth

I'm not sure its not more that she wants you to move away from the bipolar talk to something more. That you are someone very special and not just bipolar. I'm wondering if its more that to you being bipolar is bad.

Not sure if that it or not. Just a thought.

Donna

Dear BJ,
I'm not clear on what she means either.

But therapists often try to get us to focus on the here and now --- regardless of our problem. Learning to live in the here and now can be a good skill.


M.

For the past 2.5 years I've been trying to understand this disease and now that I'm finally able to feel something she tells me that all I do is talk about bipolar. I can't help thinking about bipolar every minute of the day. I didn’t ask for this disease but it’s what’s been thrown at me.

My tdoc seems to have this huge hang up about me socializing with others, but what she doesn't understand is I'm very uncomfortable doing this.

Just when I'm finally able to feel something, my emotions are disregarded and I'm told to focus on the here and now instead of my past. Don't I have a right to work through all of the anger, hurt and frustration I have about the way I feel about having bipolar?

I know it's probably not healthy for me to focus on my past, but that was really the first time I've done that. Up until this point, my tdoc has educated me about bipolar and I'm finally at the point where I understand it. But now I’m afraid that if I mention it her words will always be in the back of my mind.

We've also discussed the traumas I experienced, but one of the roadblocks I'm running into is that I can't talk or write about the way I feel regarding the things that happened to me. I'm not sure why. I don't know if my mind won't allow me to or if it's trying to deliberately block it all in order to protect me emotionally.

I 100% agree with you
 

Dear BJ,

You are right.
Tell her what you just said here.
These are valid concerns.

Print it out and bring it to the session.
Read it to her or hand it to her.

M.

excellant suggestion mari!
:I-Agree:
beth

She’s really confused me because I just don’t talk about being BP, I think anyway because I don’t remember a lot. During one session I may talk about my PTSD but in another, I’ll discuss bipolar. 80% of the time I've asked questions about bipolar, but now I'm finally reaching the point where I'm able to express how I feel about my diagnosis yet I am being told to focus on other things instead. I don't understand that logic because if I can't talk about the way I feel regarding my bipolar or the past, how can I move on?

I don't think she knows me in a social setting to where she could make such a judgment. I will admit that I was emotional at the time and that's why I took it more to heart than I normally would have done but I still don't think that was the right way to phrase it. Sometimes I feel that the wounds opened up in therapy will never be healed, that the pain Is overwhelming and will never stop, and I wonder why I opened all the doors I had closed so tight. :o

She really hurt my feelings last session. While it was going on everything seemed perfectly rational and I could understand where she was coming from. Once I started thinking about it after the session though, I started to feel attacked and condescended to and I cried for at least an hour and started to get scared because I have in my head that this is the start of her abandoning me when I'm going to need her the most. A lot of painful memories the next couple weeks and and I'm determined not to start the downhill slide I always do this time of year. :(

I am glad that you are determined to not slide this time of the year.
anniversaries are always hard.
She is not going to abandon you.
please don't worry about that.
She is with you thru the long road....that is if you will let her.
In my opinion....You really ought to tell her how your last session went.
Has she already started taking some notes for you or is that next time?
This could help clarify things when you get home.
I am rooting for you.
Being bipolar is one of the most challenging disorders that I face. It is a struggle to get others to appreciate how hard it is.
((((HUGS))))
beth

Dear BJ,

Therapy goes through phases.
Here is my take -- and I'm not there with you but this is a guess. Please forgive me if I am off.

Sometimes therapy becomes not so much about you but how you react to the therapist. So the RELATIONSHIP with the therapist ends up being the focus for a little while. Maybe you need to spend more time talking about the two of you and how you work together.
Relationships with other people are hugely important in our real life lives. So it makes sense that therapy is a good safe place to work on how we relate to other people.

Write out a list of things and bring it with you.
Or print out your last few posts here and bring them with you.
She wants to help. And it sounds like she has helped you in some areas.

People who are successful in therapy are articulate (I read that somewhere -- seriously.)
The more you can articulate your needs and respond to her requests and issues your way, the more successful your experience might be.

Therapy works when you talk. (Duh. I know that was a duh.)
Maybe you have reached a new stage now and need to talk about what you want out of therapy.


Please tell her (make very clear) your concern about this time of year. I know that you fully intend on getting through this time successfully. Let her become a partner in your success.
Tell her your concerns.


Opening the doors in therapy that you have opened takes courage. You are brave and it sounds like you are trying to move ahead.

You have fought very hard to make progress and have made some successes. Keep fighting.

You are making progress, so what you are doing is working.

M.

Interesting news (at least I think so! LOL!)
I take Topamax for my migraines.
I'm on a low dosage now (thank you to my Higher Power...I do NOT care for the stuff).
Anyway, just sniffing the bottle messes up my memory.
I take a supplement called "PS." Honestly, it helps me.

Well...some of you know, I have an adopted dau who has BP I.
Guess what? Recently, I convinced her to also take it. She takes some fairfly typical meds that many of you take here.
These meds also bother her memory.
Guess what? Her memory has been better as well. It's just a tad better...but like me, "she'll take it!"
IT's a long word....
abbreviated as "PS." YOu can get it at Whole Foods and www.iherb.com.
I just take one tablet. Certainly, you would have to watch for additional symptoms if you have bipolar illness. So far (it's only been about two weeks), my dau hasn't had any problems w/ it.

Here is something from the iherb site...a typical "review" for the Jarrow Brand, which is the one I usually get:
As good as the best.,
From Colorado
I've used PS for years and this is as good as the best. I do feel that I focus more clearly and feel just a little bit uplifted, if that even makes any sense. But, I will repurchase.

When I was seeing my old tdoc everything was fine in the beginning. I felt comfortable talking about myself, and made a lot of progress, and then I just stopped talking, and even though I wanted to talk to her, something inside me just told me not to say anything. And she got extremely frustrated with me, and several times asked me why I bothered to come to therapy if I wasn't going to talk. And soon after that she fired me.

And now with this other tdoc it seems like the same thing is happening and I want to talk, and tell her everything that's on my mind, but now she tells me not to talk about being bipolar.

After saying what she did she asked me if there was anything she could do to make it more comfortable for me. She asked me if I thought she fidgeted too much, does she do things that make me feel uncomfortable. She knew she made me uncomfortable.
I have very few memories of my teens. I think of my memory like a deep dark ocean - every now and then a memory comes near the surface like a big whale and as I reach for it, it disappears. I don’t even have to ask, this is what she wants to talk about but I don’t, not now.

I read online today……….. “The message is clear. Take your therapist off the pedestal and take ownership of your therapy.” Sounds easy but I’m so afraid if I question her she will fire me too.

I had an awful end to the day. I decided to take Hooper to the dog park after work. But while driving there I remembered there’s a dog virus going around and dogs have died from it. So I decided to take her to this baseball field where I didn’t see anyone. She had a blast because she loves to run in circles. It doesn’t look like it’s used anymore so I figured it’s safe.

As I was going back to the car a park officer came up to me. He looked so angry and intimidating. He told me I was in violation of the animal control laws and would be fined $200 for having her off the leash and another $100 for having her play on the ball field.

I felt like he was treating me unfairly and had this awful feeling that I was going to cry. But I didn’t want him to see how much he had hurt me. He gave me this big long lecture about the laws. I felt just like a bad little kid when my dad was punishing me.

He finally said he’d give me a warning. I had so much to say but instead just walked away so angry at myself, so belittled, so hurt. I just didn’t want Hooper to get sick.

I might ask my pdoc if it's okay to take this herb VL. But do you know the name of it? I can't find anything with a PS.

WEll I am sure you were upset.
You did not know, I am glad that he only gave you a warning but the scolding/lecture hurts.
I am sorry there is a dog virus going around...that is not good.
I read a book a while agocalled....if you meet the budda on the road....
the pilgrimage of psychotherapy patients.
the back cover says"
in the book it talks about the patient throwing himself to the therapist wanting to be caught, the therapist steps aside. The patient is bewildered.
It is the patients work to fixing her problems the therapist is only there to help guide them on the pilgramage...the journey.

talk to her she is human, tell her your fears...she will be ok with that.
(((((HUGS)))))
beth

BJ

My thoughts on the cop or person, just wanted to be some bigwig who
could pick on someone. And you were the one he got the chance with.

Don't worry about it. You didn't know and its just the way it goes.
The fact that he gave you just a warning says something in itself.

So I hope you can find a safe place for your dog soon.

Donna

PS is phosphatidylserine.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phosphatidylserine

Here are examples of brands to choose from:
http://www.iherb.com/Search?kw=phosphatidylserine


Here is a monograph on it:
http://healthlibrary.epnet.com/GetCo...chunkiid=21843

Dear BJ,

That encounter with the cop would bother anyone. :mad: It sounds like you handled it well. :)
Maybe ask the vet his / her opinion about taking Hooper to the dog park.

Keep talking to the tdoc. The more you talk, the more you will benefit from therapy.
Bring notes with you or print out what is here to talk to her before you get started on the session.
Ask her to help you during this time in the next weeks. Tell her how important her help is. Ask her for advice about how to get through the time successfully.



M.

Dear BJ
 

I basically agree with a lot of what has been said about therapy here... especially Mari's comments on working on the relationship with your therapist, and communicating your needs as well as your reactions to some of the troublesome sessions. But i know that is hard to do. I am not going to rehash what has already been said very well, but i will wish you good luck, and courage at this something of a crossroads in therapy.

i will just add that, the more in tune you and your t are, the better she will be able to support you through the upcoming anniversary period. i hope you will be able to let her know you need her for this.

:heartthrob:

~ waves ~

p.s. sorry i've been sort of MIA on and off the past few days. had stuff to do and been very tired is basically where it's at. physically and emotionally. a huge THANK YOU for your most recent PM... and i will answer... i just wanted to post to the forum first since i'd been gone a bit.