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05-18-2009, 06:53 AM
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Senior Member
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I want to ask your opinion about something that my tdoc suggested that I do for homework this week and that I thought was a bit crazy.
Like a lot of survivors, I have a big problem with shame and self-loathing ... it is something that is very deeply felt for me and is a big part of who I feel I am inside, and it causes a lot of difficulties for me in my day-to-day life. My tdoc and I have really tried hard to shift the self-hatred and shame that I feel, and slowly I feel that things are improving, but at times, stuff happens in my life that causes these self-loathing feelings to rush to the surface, then things are just so excruciatingly painful for me that it can be very difficult to keep going. In my session last week, I was talking to my tdoc about my feelings and fears about taking the CPA exam and some other issues I’m having at work, and a question she asked me ended up triggering the shame and self-loathing feelings. She asked me to bare with her, that she was going to suggest something that may sound really weird and crazy, but that may just help me "change my relationship" to these self loathing feelings, and minimize the power they have on my life. She asked me first to think of all the things that this shame and self-loathing tells me ... i.e. - all the thoughts that pop into my head when self loathing is very strong. After some time, she asked me what some of them were, and I told her. Then she asked me to think of a nursery rhyme or a jingle that both she and I would know. I felt stupid at that one, and when I didn’t say anything, she suggested "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", and I said I knew that one. And then - and this comes the really weird part - she asked me to put the words of shame and self-loathing to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and to sing it with her! Now I was horrified and embarrassed by all of this ... and when I just drew further and further into myself to escape from the situation, she started to lead by example and used some of the things that I had told her that go through my head when shame is really strong, and she started singing those words to the tune of the nursery rhyme! Now I can’t begin to tell you how horrible this made me feel. I think she was aware that I wasn’t finding this idea very helpful, but she explained that people have certain negative "schemas" that they develop from a very young age and that continue to affect them ... and that through putting the words of something very painful to a nursery rhyme, you can change your relationship with these "schemas" / ways of thinking/feeling about yourself, and not let them have so much power over you. She came up with this task just before the end of the session, so we never really had time to talk about it too much ... but she did give me homework to work on my "self loathing song" and that she and I would continue with it next week in the session. Now am I the only one who feels that this task is incredibly insensitive and dismissive of something painful that a person may feel so deeply? I don’t understand how my tdoc would think that this task could be helpful for anyone who has been traumatized in the past and has left over 'baggage' (for want of a better word) from those experiences. And I can’t believe that she suggested a task like this for ME of all people, when she knows that shame and self-loathing make me feel so incredibly self conscious, and then to put those feelings into a song! I am just beyond horrified right now ... but I wanted to get your thoughts about this before I consider writing an email to her telling her what I think about her idea.
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. . . . Cats nap, only humans put them "to sleep". Sterilize, don't euthanize!! BJ |
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