Hugs to you dear Nikko
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

((((((N)))))),

I *HATE* that you're having to go through this again -- especially at this time of year.

My husband was one of 10 kids. He had 3 alkie brothers that were always running to him for help. I understand. One of the brothers lost his wife to cancer and lost custody of his kids at Christmas-time (through no fault of his) so our Christmases were always 'interesting'.

Terri's right. But, you know that already.

I just want you to KNOW and to ALWAYS REMEMBER that you are a wonderful woman. The Mother-spirit and the animal-spirit that have been in your care have had better lives because of you. Your friends (both cyber-life and real-life) have better lives because of you.

Keep yourself at the top of the list,sugar. And do what you need to do. *YOU* are loved and you are supported through all of this.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

I went to some of those meetings and they were very good. You can hide the car keys. If you don't take care of her, she will be forced to go to a home. You are between a rock and a hard place. If she injures herself while living with you just think of that guilt. If she is in a supervised home with a lot of staff that probably wouldn't happen. She would probably be safer in a home.
Bobby

hi Nikko,
Here is more info that might help you.
You don't have to go to group meetings. You can find a one on one counselor who works in this area.
Mari


http://www.adultchildren.org/

Hi,
My father is an alcoholic.
I think that my role was the placater -- I took on too much responsibility and still do. Or maybe the hero too. In these families we are not allowed to grow into the role that was meant for us. We take on a role determined by the family's dysfunction.
Mari


http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/adult.htm

the part of trusting I just sent to my best friend to explain my irrationality...i was waiting to see dr moussavian to discuss an issue which involved trusting her to possibly help me down the road...and low and behold..
I was the placater I guess, the hero but because of bipolar failed as an adult and of course the scapegoat in my teens and beyond...but my main role was the placater even though that spelling doesn't look correct.
a million tears want to come out but I still can't shed one.
Fondly
Bobby

Nikko,
I am saying a prayer for you that things work out the best. That they find out if there is something else going on with Mom. IF it means her going to a nursing care facility then that may be best for her. Until she is delt with medically, can even think of dealing with the emtional situation.

You do need time for you.
BUT, be alert that they are not giving you a run around over her care. In our county they have a guardianship program and they are tough if they take over her guardianship.

Suzan, a friend was told about her brother 's medical needs and then they took over guardianship for all care, not only medical but for where her brother woould live.

I do think you could use these hours or a few days with her in the hospital for yourself though,
Di

Dear Nikko,
Check in and let us know how you are doing.
Please.

Hi, Nikko ....

Yes, you have a lot of difficulties -- but no matter how complicated a situations seems, there ARE some solutions available.

First - her driving herself to the liquor store.

Do both of you use the same vehicle? If she has her own vehicle, then whose home can you "hide" it at? Some relative who will let you stash it in their garage, let you park it at the curb? You say you are worried about her reporting it stolen? No worry - just let the cops know the truth.

Think about this.... What if she kills someone or causes grievous bodily harm -- or lots of property damage (the woman I knew drove into a beauty shop and didn't stop til she was near the wash basins. She would have killed a beautician and client, except that the beautician had a sick child and was gone that day). What would happen? Law suits. Quite likely for more than what is on her car insurance liability. And where would they get that money? From the sale of her home and anything else she owns - whether now or when she dies, depending on what the laws say in your state.

Someone mentioned about Guardianship where they lived. Did you know that you could apply to a court to name YOU her guardian? IF her doctor's think that she is incompetent to manage her own affairs and make vital decisions for herself, then a judge would grant you the decision-making for her. This would enable you to sign her into detox and then arrange for placement when she comes out. It could enable you to make decisions to ensure a good quality of life for her for the rest of her life.

Does she use checks or credit cards to pay for liquor? This would give a record of how much she consumes and how quickly. And you can get a record of all the 911 calls, the crews responding, history of her repeated falls, her trips to the ER. It would all go into helping you getting guardianship --- but I was also wondering if where you live is a place where there is involuntary alcoholic commitment. It's not for two long - like 2 weeks maybe. But there MAY be a chance. You could make some phone calls and find out.

BUT, if it is more important to your psychological state of mind for her to not be angry at you (and there is no one else who could be named her guardian), then you must move out and let someone else (even her) make all the decisions about going for liquor and how much she drinks. It could be that if you don't live there, that it might be what it takes for her to cut back.... knowing she can't let herself go so badly -- knowing that she has to drink less and keep a handle on things.

What were things like before you moved in? Who lived with her? How did things get done? Why exactly did you move in? Because you needed a stable place to land after a bad time? Or because she asked you to? Or because someone else in the family made you feel you had to?

I know what it is like to be in the spot that you are ---- you are so wound up in handling one crisis after another, while trying to heal yourself .... And it makes it SO difficult to think of viable options out of the trap -- never mind act on any plans you make. So put all this stuff down in black and white, on paper. Who can you go talk to about your options? Her lawyer? Her minister/priest, rabbi? Someone in the family who takes a role of being "head of the family"? Your counselor or even your psychiatrist?

You need a sounding board ... so you can stop banging your head against a wall.

In the meantime, gets lot of sleep , eat healthy , and feel how much you are cared about and loved!

I wish it were in my power to say, Nikko, I can promise you that by Valentine's Day , this problem will have found a solution and you will be able to begin to live YOUR life. I don't have that power, but as a gift this holiday season, I wish you all the empowerment you need....

Teri

Thank you all so much........As far as yesterday, I spoke with a social worker at the hospital. They let her go with some literture about alcohol

She did NOT want to go to detox/depression or any other place. I only have medical power of attorney if she cannot communicate.

They told me NOT to get the alcohol for her, take the keys (which I have anyway) and when and if she flips out for not having any booze in the house to call 911 and they will bring her right back to the hospital or someplace. My car had to be repo'd after the situation with my husband, due to finances, and my mom gave me her car, we just have to get it in my name. She will talk she is going to drive, but she won't and I would never ever let her.

I picked her up, she did tell them she wouldn't drink anymore, I do believe that will happen for awhile. We came home, as she was walking to the house with her walker, she pee peed her pants. I got her in cleaned up and changed into a nighty, gave her meds, soda, newspaper and cigaretts.
She was very nice, and so was I, no sense in telling her off or anything, she doesn't remember much. I don't want to be mean, this is a disease, as I saw how it progressed to an awful death with my dad at 48yrs old, my age now.

She slept for awhile, then I made her a chicken pot pie for supper and gave her - her night meds. I think she slept well, cause the alcohol was making her not sleep like normal

I have to follow up with her PCP, he needs to change her anti-depressant drug, the Prozac isn't working, she has been on that far too long. Plus the Xanax needs to be changed, she takes them, after I have given her the instructed dosage. I hid the vodka in the house up high where she will never find it and if she did would not be able to get to it, and I will move the meds to a place she does not have access to or will find. I didn't even know she was putting alcohol in her soda, so I wouldn't know. Before that it was juices, and I knew. Well I eventually know because of her behavior.

As far as family, I have no brothers or sisters and my mom is a widow.
There is no other family here where we live. Our lease at this rental house is up in April, so if things aren't better by then, I will make arrangements for her to be cared for and get myself a small apt.

I won't be an enabler, nor will I be manipulated anymore by anyone. I have no life as it is. I don't see my p-doc until Jan 22nd, but I do have my DV counselling again next Friday. I did speak to my case mgr at my p-docs place yesterday.

So, once again I will be the bad person in this situation, but so be it. She knows that 911 will come again if she acts up. I said to the social worker, why would they come if she was just yelling, she said they have been there many times and will come. I do not need to be screamed at and called every name in the book, it isn't fair.

I was exhausted last night, then woke up with a real bad stiff neck, but it's better now, I took a pain med, I think it was from the window being open above my head and it got chilly last night, the temps drop here at night during the winter, even though yesterday was in the 70's.

I will be starting my PT for my c-spine and lumbar part of my spine soon.
I hope to also get her into PT for her arthrtis, and maybe an anti-inflammatory for her pain.

Not sure what I will do today or tonight, I hate to leave her, but when she is sober she is fine.

Thanks for all your support and listening. I love you all, hugs to all too.

Nikko