I heard from bj, I hope she will come post here....
bizi

I am dismayed by how lonely an experience cancer is. Nobody wants to hear about your cancer all the time. But I have it every day. Being a cancer patient or a cancer survivor has become a part of who I am and I can't turn it off.

I do not think it is possible for anyone to ever understand how we feel unless they have been through it themselves. Breast cancer is unlike other cancers. It is devastating. Not just because we are faced with our own mortality, most cancer patients feel that. It isn't because we have to go through the barbaric and primitive chemo treatments. A lot of other cancer patients have to deal with the debilitating side effects.

Cancer forces people to face their mortality; it forces people to deal with the dangerous side effects of chemo and the emotional drain that it generates. It forces people to endure invasive surgeries, sometimes multiple surgeries. It forces people to cope with the fatigue from chemo. It makes us reconsider the quality of our lives and the meaning of our lives. And to put a cherry on top you are bipolar.

I feel like crawling under a rock. I’ve been through the worst week of my life with nausea and achiness from the shots I have to give myself to get my WBC count up. I’ve had horrible nightmares of me holding my mom’s hair while she was sick from the chemo. But I’d give anything right now to have that moment back, as painful as it was for her. I know that sounds selfish but she was my mom, she endured what I'm going through. If there was ever a moment I wished for my mom it would be now.

Dear BJ,

It is good to hear from you.
You are doing a good job. You are.
I'm sending prayers and hugs.
M.

I'm a cancer survivor BJ....twice, and I know all about people not wanting to hear ... when all you want to do is talk.

I know how it feels to be made feel like all you're doing is thinking and talking about yourself.

I know that people really don't want to listen, and I do wonder if maybe they're afraid they'll catch the cancer off you, just by talking (or getting too close)!

I know what it's like to simply hope for a friendly ear; one that will actually listen without judging.

Please know that I'm here for you anytime you need some-one to talk to who's been there too BJ.

I didn't have chemo, but I did have major surgery, and I do have to have regular checks, because both the types I had are likely to reoccur.

I don't have BP but I do have MS, and I guess that no matter what the particular cross we each have to bear, it seems that having cancer on top of another chronic illness, just makes it that bit harder to cope.

Hang in there BJ. You're being brave, and each of us are here for you... standing by you.... lending that ear

Dear BJ,
Thank you for writing to us.
Thank you for being honest.
Thank you for trusting us with your words...your feelings.
I am honored that you are with us today.
I can't tell you that I understand what you are going thru because I can't.
But I can tell you that we share some things in common.
We are women trying to hang on to our identity.......
We are sisters who have lost a brother to suicide....
We have bipolar and have to deal with the rollar coaster ride of emotions....
WE have this mental illness and have to deal with the stigma that this brings to us....
Even so,
We are part of a village of people here who care about us.
You are part of this village.
Please don't forget about us.
love
bizi

Bj

I can add that I too am hear and I am always willing to listen. I want you to now that. I may not know what its like to have cancer, but I do now what its like to have fear.

And I have a sister who had cancer and I know how much having others listen matters.

Donna

Hugs. I've seen Christina Applegate on Oprah,and other programs talking about her bout with breast Cancer. It must be awful,on top of everything else.

((((Hugs))) from me to you. Your in the Lords hands. You are going through sufferings sort of like Job,in the book of Job in the Bible. He never lost his faith through it all. BF

It is true we do not really "understand" ... much like my talking about mood extremes to someone who has not had them ... does not understand.

The mortality aspect is another thing as you point out. But I have been hoping your faith will help carry you through that. No matter what happens.

I hope you have found a group of people you can share with who also have cancer and perhaps specifically breast cancer, so that they will understand in a more intimate way. On the other hand, I will say, each person's way of experiencing these things is a little different... so to some degree, each person does face mortality alone.

As for us. Well. We may not be able to stop the process, stop your cancer, any more than i could stop a bus that was able to hit me head on. But i can try to jump out of the way. That is really the difference about facing mortality. I have been in mortal or severer physical danger before but it has been only in split seconds. they were terrifying and obviously i got out. The difference is cancer traps you in those split seconds. It doesn't let you get out. It's a big bus that is perpetually about to run you over. I guess that's the best i can do in terms of analogy.

As for the physical suffering... no i cannot imagine. I have tried. I have tried to imagine putting together all the aspects you've talked about but have not lived it. But I LISTEN, and I TRY. I WANT TO. Just like all of us here.

Sometimes i don't post more because i feel like it's putting pressure on you to post, and i don't want you to have more pressures. But even if i don't / cannot fully understand, i am not sick of you or hearing about your burden and all of the baggage it carries.

Trust me, you are a lot more "sick of your suffering" - coz you are IN IT - than I or the rest of us are. We are available to you. Right along with your support group if you found one. If you have the energy, and if you want to, I would like to have a daily update from you.

It doesn't matter if it sounds like the one from the day before. The fact is two days lived a certain way are different than one day lived that way. 40 days lived a certain way are different than 2 days. See what i mean?

You are a dear person. Please do not push us away for fear of being pushed away.

Please post to us. Talk to us about the mundane the not so mundane, the stitches, the holding of hair, the fatigue, the pain, the fear, the different fears. Tell us all about that perpetually about to hit you bus.

We care about you BJ and we will not get tired of you. I worry when i don't hear from you.

And please hold on to hope, and to your faith. I hope you are not in despair. Are you?



~ waves ~

Footsteps In The Sand

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him
he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you,
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

(Author unknown)

(((((((((((BJ))))))))))

Im here for you... anytime you want to talk, I will listen....

Keeping you in my prayers...

Take care.