[Feebs]

Hi, I am Fee, I have Chronic Pain and I have been taking care of my Dad who is dying of end stage lung cancer, has dementia and Parkinsons. We have hospice here checking on him, but Mom and I are taking care of his personal hygiene, feeding and sitting with him. Its hard. He can't stand or walk anymore. So we transfer him from bed to chair. I am not supposed to lift, I can do permanant damage to myself, but I have to, he's my Dad. He only just turned 71 yrs old.

He now has become incontinent and cannot even move his bowels. He talks to passed on relatives and friends, he says they visit him at night. He is living in the past as well. This past week, he has significantly weakened, cannot speak much or won't speak at all, won't eat or drink or take any meds.

Today though, he woke up very alert which shocked me, had an appetite and requested his favorite foods.The hospice nurse just left, noticed his skin was very mottled and whispered to me, it was not a good sign. I just fed him some ice cream per his request and he was staring at me, just looking as I fed him and I saw tears. I think I know what is coming, but too afraid to acknowledge what this sudden spurt of energy is, the alertness, the no confusion at all and wanting to eat all his favorite foods, when for months he's been in his own world and for the past week, wouldn't eat or drink at all.

I am having major anxiety right now and in my heart, I am praying that maybe, just maybe he's having a good day? I've been living with my Parents since June to help out. No-one understands and I am the "Strong" one, especially for my Mom who is in denial. I haven't cried or thought about anything thats really going on with him. If I did, I would break down and not be able to care for him out of sadness. I just do what I have to for my Dad. But, I can feel the anxiety welling up inside me, I'm afraid it won't be long, I pray I'm wrong. Hospice gave us a book and he has all the signs that say, "days or hours" before they pass. I pray its wrong, I'm not ready to let him go.

Thanks for letting me share,
Fee