[CRPSsongbird]

So I have come to a couple conclusions. I NEED to stop dwelling on the negative, inundating, overwhelming things that have been pushing my stress level through the roof.And, to remember the strong competent woman I know I was/can be!! I NEED to focus on bettering my health, mind, life. Not only for myself but that so my daughter has a positive role model. I have decided I am not going to let CRPS rule my thoughts, and body. As much as possible anyways. And I DON'T need someone who is dragging me down with negative energy and adding complications to an already maxed out body and mind.


I still have a LOT of pain, but I am choosing to ignore it as best I can. Which easier since I have the Lidoderm patches. I see a new Doctor on Thursday and am going to discuss medicine options with the patches, something like the Amitriptyline, and a possibly some form of narcotic for when I have break through pain only. We'll see how that goes. I am going to be more ASSERTIVE in my needs/wants because I don't feel I should have to tolerate a ton of side effects! It is my body and my money that's paying them so they should work with me on that front, if I say I hate how it makes me feel. Having me be fatigued to the point of falling asleep anywhere anytime. Or tons of nausea and vomiting to the edge of distraction.

I am going to BETTER myself and go back to school. This will be tough but I have to do something different, so I can provide for my daughter on my own. I have an actual, obtainable goal in mind that won't take years and years but WILL make independence a realistic goal! I CAN do this I know there are many others, who have faced bigger challenges and still have major success. I will NOT depend on the help of a man/partner when I CAN do it on my own!

Yes I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of having people look at you and not see anything that "wrong", so I MUST be exaggerating. My CRPS has not made my skin bright red or blue I have some visible mottling and temp difference and a little swelling. That does not mean I don't hurt. If someone can't be there for me and just accept what I say, well then I guess I don't need them in my life anyways.

I saw a quote today that for some reason struck a chord with me

""You do NOT have a choice about other people's behavior. People are going to do what they do and there is nothing you can do about it at all - except choose what your own behavior will be. ""

It sounds like a "no brainer"for most people, but when you have an issue with chronic pain, or a similar life altering event, you can forget the basics when you get caught up in everything else. You want others to be a little empathetic or supportive. When all I need for support is myself! I can be the one who understands and I DON'T need a partner to get it! Even though it would be ideal in a strong healthy relationship, it isn't a necessity for me to be able to cope. And if said partner can't support me when I need it most? Well I guess we were really partners then.

So from here on out I am determined to be there for myself and my daughter first and foremost! I can count myself very lucky as well. My condition was caught early, mainly because I sought a second opinion. I can plausibly push this into remission. Or at the very least keep it from progressing/advancing. As much as I hurt I will still hurt no matter what I'm doing so I'm going to do something for ME. The will better MY life, and advance MY future. My whole life I have always thought others should come before myself. Husband,kids,work, a lot of the time self sacrificing to a very bad fault. WELL not anymore!! With the exception of my daughter I and coming FIRST, MY needs will be taken care of. And if I am called selfish, so be it. I've come to a point in my life where I MUST focus on myself.


Yes I will have limitations. Physically and Emotionally at times. I will still need to lean on people from time to time, but I need to draw strength from them. Not have them take what little I have left, then have them NOT help clean up the resulting mess. I don't know exactly how I will do it in my own, but I have faith in myself. If I can get the right combo of medicine and support from a medical team.....then I can do damn near ANYTHING I out my mind to!!! And it's about time I started!