Hello my name is Colleen, on Nov 6th of 09 my brother Sean took his life. He hung himself from a tree.
40 years old with a beautiful 10 year old daughter. Since the day.....the news ..........devastated my way of life ,I have been trying so hard to keep my head above water, to keep myself afloat. With the pain of not understanding, the torment of so many questions regarding why? It has been the hardest thing i have ever endured.
I live 600 miles away with my 2 daughters from any family and zero support system how do you cope this way? ....Ive tried to paint on a happy face and move on about my business as the functioning individual I was before this came crashing down on me. But it just seemed that one thing after the next, life started to shatter more and more .
Two weeks following Seans death my aunt passed away in surgery, a few weeks after that my husband cheated on me while we were home spending Christmas with my family and i was with my mother goin through my dead brothers things, A cpl weeks later i found out my daughter, my 14 year old beautiful little girl, tried to kill herself and was also cutting herself to numb the pain. 3 weeks later i filed for divorce as i found myself in the emotionally empty relationship that i blinded myself to until i couldn't help but need someone desperately and he didnt have the time for me and did nothing but continuously cause me more heart ache and pain. Than to top it all off i lost my job due to my inability to fuction through all the pain.
The following is a small part of the only outlet i have had in the past 4 months, the poetry that has been my best friend and way to vent my emotions.

I began writing my journal as a way of supplying myself with home made therapy.
and felt as i went on with it, that it could offer some insight to those who have walked through the footsteps of surviving the death of a loved one. and possibly assist someone feeling the way sean felt in seeing the long term damage there decision has one the ones they love

this is the link ,it is a face book group that is open to any one on face book


THE SUICIDE JOURNALS The pain and pleasure of life loved and lost
by Colleen rowley


Colleen Rowley Parent
THE CREMATED REMAINS
the cremated remains of a part of me
sits on my dresser inanimately
it has no voice no arms to hold
it has no wisdom nothing foretold...
just the ashes of a part of my heart
someone whose been there from the very start
his eyes still stare at me his smile still shines
but a hole exists at thiis moment in time
wondering when the pain will subside
as it comes and goes with the force of the tides
no more memories to make
no more of his time to take.
no more wondering how he is doing
as the blues of his death
have left me in ruins
family broken down into fraction
at the hand of his selfish actions
and brother and sister left with out a brother
a mother left with a pain that can smother
a father left in the pain of not helping
his little boy in his moment of coping
a wife tormented by the sickness of his mind
a daughter left to wonder why?
step daughter cousins nieces and nephews
all left in a state of confusion
friends from the past
friends from the present
friends left with there own heartache and resentment
friends that were more than that friends that were like family
have been damaged so painfully sadly
do you ever get past a suicide death
do you ever manage to heal with a bandage?
i put you in a heart around my neck
keeping you closer than you would ever let.
it is now that i feel you more than in years past
now that your gone your time went to fast.
It is a hard thing to grasp the thought of not being able to understand yourself ,the thought of never feeling good enough to the point that is paralyzes you in your life when it gets overwhelming. My feeling is that is what sean suffered.
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understanding
Don't ever assume you understand someone Else's actions, for the only understanding one can have of someone Else's experiences, is the understanding of them through through ur own personal journey {someone else experiences do not belong to you and they are all unique},there for when u feel u have understanding??? , STOP AND THINK, am i understanding this persons experience from the perspective in which THEY LIVED THEM???? , or am i understanding what there saying in relation to my life and my experiences the only thing u find in the assumption of understanding is misunderstanding
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I sit alone At 3 am writing this ...
thinking of the times we shared;
all the memories we have;
makes this so hard to bare.
thinking of the father you were;
and just how many hearts that cared.

Sean, just a few moments to say goodbye
As my heart, body and eyes do cry.

Trying to look through this kaleidoscope of emotion
Trying to handle an cope with this moment.
Letting go of you............Is SO PAINFUL, because i LOVE YOU SO MUCH
That feeling these feelings
is leaving me crushed.
You are my big brother
NO one can EVER take your place!
When I close my eyes all I see is your face!

Sean the time is ticking just one more minute to say goodbye


One more minute to tell you how I feel
One minute SEAN
if your hear an your attention I could steal!
I wish for
One more minute to hold you tight
One more minute to look in your eyes
and beg and tell you together we can win this fight
One more minute
Just One more day
One more memory to make
As I'd reach out and your hand i would take.
there is nothing i can do even if i pray
but in my heart im still begging you to stay!

I understand I get it
Your body is gone now
But you live in my heart
there was never a second you weren't there from the start
in my everyday your memory wont part

Every second I hold on to
Every memory is precious
Every smile
Every laughter you shared
was nothing short of contagious

But....I guess ..... your fight is over
YOUR pain is gone
You’re up there singing
your favorite Neon Bach song
I think of you with a heart that’s full
I think of you with no ill will
I thank God for giving you to me
And I thank god for setting your pain free
I thank god and I pray
That he is holding your tight
And you are basking in the love of a beautiful new light.
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today
i walk and i wonder how could it be
that tomorrow will come and i will be free
i will wander the street of this confused mind
i will make good decisions and have a clear mind
nothing ever will break me
it may have fractured its true
i just need to look forward and lean on you
my prayers will be said
and i will be strong in my faith
that god has a plan and
and in his arms sean is safe
ill smile and remember all f the movies that play in my mind
and hold you dear every moment in time
to move and heal is not a rejection
not in anyway is a careless reflection
just the road i have to take
not in any way a mistake
so i breath in a sigh of releif
as i let go of some of this heavy grief
for your soul is one that danced in the sun
and your smile and i are forever one
i love you
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pain

I feel beat up and twisted,
flipped and beaten upside down,
hurting deep inside my soul,
crying and tired of this never ending fal,l
working hard to hold it together,
wondering why i have to weather the weather.
one thing runs over me after the next,
I feel like im stuck in this tidal wave of stress.
one more trial to pass the test
,i have had it im finished cant take any more,
im tired of of the way gods knockin at my door,
dead brother dead aunt,
intimate relationship scard and bent,
my babies hurting suffering inside,
i sit and i watch her in pain as she cries,
hold my hands out to hold her,
love her with a heart that is damaged,
don't know how to help her dont know how to manage,
sickness sets in my body is hurting,
work is fed up that there is no learning,
damaged and broken withered and misfit,
dont know what to do don't know how to fix it.
turning to god my faith is challenged,
but im still trying to find a peaceful balance,
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This is how i think Sean felt i wrote this poem a long time ago."
WINGS
OH LORD work with me
toss me a bone
I looked in that direction and still found no home
I reached out my hand and offered my soul
Wining for me wasn't a goal
I just wanna be happy
stop running from life
YA know make a commitment
Without having to fight!
I wanna wake up to some sunshine and be
where I wanna be
Wanna have someone im in love with laying next to me
I wanna smile and shine when I look at her face
I wanna be happy knowing she wants me to share in her space
I wanna find joy in the simplest of things
I wanna be that bird that flies when he
Spreads his wings
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MEMORIES OF YOU
Monday, November 23, 2009 9:20 PM
at the earliest of age
when we were both very small
and I couldn't live up to my biggest brotherly goal
which was to fill in your footsteps
walk in your path
be by your side
weather it is tears or some laughs
funny and mischief, torment and tease
the fun filled memories of you I seize
you were a father that glowed with a beautiful light
as his little girl Amy was “his world” and his biggest delight
you would gleamed as you would watch her
and Know you found the love of your life
Sean my big brother
I adored you so much,
wanted to be like you strong and tough,
feel the energy that you would exuded when u would walk in a room
and flash that Irish smile and make the girls swoon
many years had passed and distance had occurred
but my affection for you never would swerve
than I found you feeling lost and alone, feeling like you had no home
I said your coming home with me
and you looked at me like you got stung by a bee.
I said with confusion
Sean
I love you I, want to be here and he started to cry
and i could see the pain & fears he couldn’t hide
we lived together & worked together every day for a year,
24 -7 with his little sister was probably one of his fears
but day by day i watched as he healed
and smiled that sunshine again and began to feel
and God I love you Sean. That didn’t end with your life
your spirit and soul have taken flight
& every min we shared, every tear that fell, every trick you played
that made me laugh like hell Id do it all again even with the same finale because you were my brother my blood and a Rowley
Everything about you was a treasure and a gift
through your life so many hearts you did lift
and my heart holds you with the deepest of care.
And i know for a fact that around me your still there
love you brother

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tomorrow
tomorrow is just another day
todays worries will be far away
what haunts you in the here and now
tomorrow will take second rail
what we have to understand is that time will never hold out hand
so when u think you have the time
think back to when u read this rhyme
and remember how colleen told you
live your life to your heart true

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swimming
been thinking about relationships
about people
about missed opportunities
about living your life and getting to the end
and not wanting to say
i wish wish wish
i would of done that and i would of done this
and dreams and desires float on by
as you never look your true potential in the eye
and ya settle
and ya trudge along
singing the same old boring song
wondering when your ship will come in
as the days and the months and the years do you in
how often we have a hold of something we want
and we let go of it for fear of what ????
living your life feeling trapped between walls
and you listen and hear as your happiness calls
and it drifts and it drifts
further and further into this emptiness
till your sweet sounds of happiness aren't anymore happy
the echo becomes this shallow sad tear
a memory that causes your heart to fear
and again and again you wish and you wonder
what might of been
had u jumped in the water
and went for that swim
------------------------------------------------------------------------
WTF
explain this to me
what were u thinking
hittin the bottle a little to much drinking
the pain was intense
the turmoil to much
the life u were leading just wasn't enough?

so here we LIVE with this memory of u.
Dealing with this nightmarish image
is what i have left to do.
when i close my eyes what it is i see
isnt my brother it's that f***in tree
thank you sean,
thanks for the memories
thanks big brother
for takin such good care of me.

I had a ruff time that day as you can see
===========================================Februar y 19 at 1:15pm · Delete PostColleen Rowley Parent It isnt easy to be here it isnt easy to share
it isnt easy to relive these memories
that better qualify as nightmares
it isnt easy to understand
that he lived a life with out a plan
it isnt easy to ask the questions why
it is easier to just sit back and feel the pain and cry
it isnt easy to let go
it isnt easy to hold on
it isnt easy to accept that you are gone
it isnt easy to reach for something positive
it isnt easy to live like this
it isnt easy to find the good
in the loos of your brotherhood
it isnt easy to try to feel that under the pain
is a positive message that will reign
it isnt easy to say good bye
and it still hurts when i look to the sky
and what i have left is the question WHY

Colleen thank you for sharing your brother Sean with us. I'm so sorry that he left you in this manner. Journaling is a good way to deal with grief and you're offering hope and help to others who are going through this nightmare...I have found that being around other survivors, even on the internet, is comforting. Please be very kind to yourself..you are early on this grief journey.

Here is the link to our Survivors of Suicide Forum...http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

We are here for you.

ty Alffe

thank you ........nice to be home

Colleen, Life delt you a few lemons...bottom of the barrel rotten lemons. The sugar added will not make lemon aid! Keep'em fermenting and make something better.

You appear very strong and talanted. As difficult as it is, this is the next chapter of your life and you will make it. It is OK to reach out to your friends and family for support. TRUE friends will understand and support you in this difficult time. I can't imagine all my family 600 miles away, good thing for all these new unlimited wireless plans.

Just because you put on a happy face does not mean everything is ok. Grieving take time! Keep your head above water, one foot in front of the other and each day will be a little better than the last.

persistence
positive attutide
& love

Love one another.
G.A.

Dearest Colleen ~ I so appreciate your sharing Sean with us. What a wonderful man he must have been! It hurts me to think he was so tortured a soul to have taken his life, but I'm so grateful he had you for a sister. I thank you for sharing deep parts of YOU too!

Colleen, as was said, grieving takes time, and it is extremely personal. In the last few years, I've lost several very close members of my family, including my husband, granddaughter and mother. Do you know that there are EXTREMELY ignorant people out there who actually say "aren't you over that yet?" Grief take your OWN time, and I don't care if it takes 10 years ~ it's YOUR time. And if you need professional help getting thru it, it's ok. I used a grief counselor, and she helped immensely. I contacted one thru Hospice.

There are 5 stages of grief: Shock, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. You HAVE to go thru these stages in order to heal. Some people manage to skip a stage, but very few. Don't be afraid of them. Boy did I get angry ~ I went into a room, screamed and pounded on pillows. But it helped.

I pray your whole situation is on the rise. And may I say that your ex was a real pig? LOL. Forgive me, but that's what I think. God bless you and my prayers are with you. Peace, Lee

Colleen

Barbara

"Misscolleen1"im am so very sorry.may god bless you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2wrtoloJ6k

Colleen, so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your brother Sean! Your message is so inspiring though and with the love of God you will continue to heal during difficult times in your life!