david...so sorry for not having the strength or energy to be who you depended on..with you gone (due to me depending on others to help me) i am so afraid to let myself be the person i was towards others..so panicked that i will not be able to protect and care for them..and something awful will occur due to be not being able to give all i am...i am closing myself off,slowly. so when i come to join you it won't hurt too many others.. i know this is not what you wanted for me after you had to leave but things didn't end the way they should have..you had so much more life to live..and i regret the 20 min. i left you with the hospital aide...i doubt every decision i make... and need to break off all the attachments others have on me...so as to not cause anymore disappointment or death to anybody else i love...see you soon---sorry to disappoint you again---i am so tired of being in my own skin these days---too many dark days & even darker nights---everyone wants my advise and my help with their problems and i can't handle the responsibility anymore-----too damaged----- and lost without you...forgive me david for being so weak..my love for you is never-ending..and i need you now(but your not here) and i need to be alone so i can't cause more damage..forever your linda..

(((Linda))) You must forgive yourself...you know that David would want that.
The first and most important thing for you to do is take better care of yourself...obviously others are depending on you for their own well being but you have to take care of you first!

The burden of guilt is crushing...even "self assigned" guilt.

You are obviously a loving, generous and giving person. I for one, would feel blessed to have you in my family. Please know that you are part of a larger family by sharing your grief here.

((((((Linda))))))

alffie and julie thanks for the support...it is so very hard to get past all the loss,depression and all the pain i am and have been feeling for soooo long now... the only light i seem to see these days is so very dim...getting dimmer by the second....thanks again for caring...

Please go talk to your Dr. They do give medicine for this. Don't beat yourself down. We do love you, even tho we have never meet. I think of you so often and pray things will get better. You need to reach out and let others help you. Most of us don't know how or what to say. I do relize the grief is bothering you so, and seems to overwhelm you. I have felt it too, but not as bad as you. It does help to just get it out and we are here to listen. My dr. gave me some medicine and it made a world of difference. I don't need it anymore, but was thankful at the time.
Blessings,
Billie

I don't see how anyone could think of you as anything less than special. To care so much for other people is a truly wonderful and inspiring thing. But please love yourself too. We do. I think you are a beautiful person. Let that beauty out, where it can shine. I hope you can get through this feeling of doubt and realize you still have a lot to give and live for.

My Very Best Wishes,
Idealist

Linda, Look at it this way, your David is there with you. There is a part of him inside of you, that will always be with you. His spirit lives on. Why don't you put another chair beside you and sit down and just talk to him and get it all out. Then when you feel up to it, reach out to someone and love them, for David. Let this deep feeling you have for him reach to others. You have a very special relationship with him and this isn't to replace that love, but to love others in his place. I know you will be blest for it.

Find you a good caring church also. They will understand. You have friends. I want so much to help you.
Hugs,
Billie

don't have much strength or energy lately...but i need to thank each and everyone of you who care...i am scared alot theses days.. the pain is getting worse (from everything) which makes the depression worse(am taking pills for it,,tried many different ones--not workiing) i get upset and that brings on the tingling ,numbness and pain to my head..which makes me pass out (i call it coma mode) for 2 days...i am lucky to be able to do one thing a day without bringing it back on....waiting for more test results and more dr appts..and more bills..have not been aable to work now for 3 months and have to pay mortgage to keep roof over my brother terry's head....doing the best i can but i am so use to be able to do it all and now getting out of bed (or off the couch) to get terry up and dressed for his program seems to be all i can do... so much for this being short i thank you all for the support..i know that each of you understand what i am feeling....and that makes me hurt for you too.... have a peaceful night...see what tommorrow brings??? linda

back today with a little more energy....needed to add more to get out some of my pain.... feeling as lousy as i do physically is hard enough..not being able to have control of body and mind together is scaring the poop out of me..david and i did have a very special bond for so many years that i am so lost and tired of fighting for people to actually hear what i have had to say about his care..and in the end that is what caused him to leave me before his time..if his illness had taken him i would have been still devastated over his passing but it would have been able to let me celebrate his life..we were robbed of still so many happy times together..he was finally going to be able to do more things that before were impossible for us to do...this seems to be alot of why i feel so responsible for failing him...failing myself..
i am breaking apart piece by piece...and without him here to give me my purpose back to me...i am failing him,myself and so many others...want to not care and give into the depression and pain of so many losses(body included) ---do i try to go back to work and function???will it make things worse(mentally and physically)????? probably....can't make a decision of what to do--- can't function well at home...cancell so many appts-- cuz i just can't go....how can i even think about driving and concentrating and be responsible enough to do my job correctly and get home safe???? enough for now....mind spinning....always seems to go round and round iin circles and winding up in the same place....with more feelings of failure..... off for a nap..thanks for letting me vent ..not sure how much sense i am making..OH WELL..... see what tommorrow brings...hopefully more peace of mind and soul.....linda

Linda, I am keeping you in my prayers. Big supporting hugs to you.