I don't know how to deal with the death of loved one's. I remember when I was in elementary school, one of my aunts died,and I was taken to the funeral,but no one explained to me what was going on.I laughed because I didn't know why everyone was crying,and why my aunt was taking a nap in that big box (the casket)! My Mom got so mad she took me outside,and hit me,and sent me to walk home.I was not allowed to go to anymore funerals.But I still didn't get an explination,I just got punished,and when my Mom got home ,she beat the hell out of me! My Dad was gone with relatives. So,I never learned how to deal with death,except to get angry! Because I didn't understand why they were taken from me.I do understand now,but I still can't get over losing my Dad because he was my entire world.He gave me the only love,and encouragement I ever got growing up as a child,he didn't judge me when I was diagnosed Bi-Polar.He was a Psychologist Ph.D.,so he was always there for me.He meant everything to me.And I was upset when he died,but I was happy for him,because I knew how much he was suffering,because I was taking care of him,and his dementia was getting really bad,and his heart was dying on him,he didn't want the transplant,he wanted to go,and I just wanted him to be happy,and not to suffer anymore.But I am so angry that he's gone!I'm not angry at him,just life!I was Daddy's little Girl,and I miss him so much! But I don't think I'll ever get over losing the only person that's ever loved me unconditionally! I don't know how to deal with it,so I've been holding it in,all that anger,since he died on October 3rd,2005! I want to be with him,but not die in order to be with him,you know what I mean? I just want to see him! That's the only positive thing I can think of about my terminal illness,is that I'll be with my Dad,sooner than later! But I carry all this anger with me everywhere I go.

dear Justice

I can only say my heart goes out to you for what you are feeling

losing someone so dear to us does really impact us so deeply doesnt it

I am so glad you have found our community Justice

I hope the anger will subside for you

Cheri

Oh, ((((((Justice)))))),

That's the hardest thing we humans have to learn -- how to lose.

If we're lucky, we have kind, caring, supportive people around us that teach us how to grieve and how to heal.

Unfortunately, most of us learn the hard way -- after we've already gone through it.

I went to many funerals when I was a kid. Two military funerals. Those freaked me out because they were my uncles and the caskets were downstairs in the living room. I still remember the creepy feeling I had sleeping in the first room at the top of the stairs.

The one that really knocked me on my %%% was my brother. Suicide at age 21 (when I was only 22). It took me about 13 years to get my balance back from that. Because my Mom hid everything. She and I were the only ones that knew it was suicide. Everyone else thought heart disease.

I lost my Dad in an instant -- major heart attack. Thanks be to G-d I had written a letter telling him that I loved him and understood him. He never responded to the letter. But, I felt that he 'heard' me.

My Mom took sick out of state. I was with her every day for almost 5 months. I took care of her in two different states. Took care of her affairs. And told her every single thing that I wanted her to know. I was with her when she passed. It was the most beautiful, soul-satisfying experience I've ever had. I have no regrets. I treated her exactly the way that she deserved.

It sounds like you did that for your Dad, Justice. Came from out of state to 'take care'. You loved him. You were there for him when he really needed someone.

It's still early for "healing". Soon the memories become stronger than the pain. Then one day you'll smile when you remember. That's when the healing starts.

Honey, don't think so much about what you've lost. Try to remember what you were given. Sounds like your Dad was a true 'treasure' in your life.

I have a suggestion. Get yourself a blank book and write down the memories of your Dad. The things that he taught you. The funny things that he said and did. How he supported you. One day there will be generations in your life that haven't had the privilege of knowing your Dad. Your writing will help to bring his memory into the future. Your writing will help heal you too.

Right now your life is sort of in a state of confusion. When you get back to where your friends are and where your heart is, you'll get some of your balance back. When you get a chance, read this: http://butterflywebsite.com/discover...ndrainbows.cfm Our loved ones find a way to let us know that they've arrived safely. Your Dad has probably already let you know. But, you didn't know what to look for.

I believe that our loved ones find ways to communicate with us. Sometimes through animals, sometimes through dreams. We need to pay attention to the quiet and the stillness around us and calm ourselves so that we can hear the messages.

Justice, there's so much -- so much -- that can't get through to you because of the anger. You have to let the anger go so that you can feel the love and caring that surrounds you.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

I believe my little Nico was a gift from my Dad.The circumstances behind how I got him,just make me know that my Dad had to had something to do with it.This is what happened.
I looked in the classifieds,and I found a lady selling Chih Tsu puppies for just the right price that I could afford,so I called.Now I wanted a Male,that was all Black.So I spoke with the lady,and she said,she only had one left,and it was a male,that was all black.I immedietly said,I was interested,and I wanted him,so how do we arrange the adoption.She lived about 35 minutes away in a car,and I was sick,and had no car and could not find a ride.She had another person that was interested that did have a car.But she called me back,and said that she thought that I would be a good owner,and make a good home for Nico,she named him.So since I already had the money in my safe,in cash,she delivered him to me,and said no to the other interested party! Now if that isn't a sign of a gift from my Dad,I don't know what is,because he's been the biggest blessing in my life since my Dad!
I've had small suddle signs that he's watching over me.I've felt his presence in my home,and I've even smelled his Stetson cologne in my home.And I have been doing my writing since he passed,a few about him,some were humorous.I've sat with the 1 brother that it tore apart to,and we sat and joked about the funny things he would do,or say,and let us get away with behind our mom's back! lol...We are the only 2 siblings out of 11 that know his favorite food,and his favorite place to go eat his take out,and a lot of other things about him.
What hurts the most was I was unable to see him,the last 3 weeks of his life,because of Pneumonia! I could only talk to him for a couple minutes at a time over the phone,and I told him I loved him each and every time,just in case,but I didn't get to say goodbye! But I know that he knew what was in my heart.At his funeral,when we went to the Cemetary,my family played the song "The Rose" off my album,because I was crying too much to sing it myself,so they played the recording of me singing it,for my Dad,because he loved my voice.Then they said thier prayer,and we left. I'm not good at goodbye,I'm better at see ya later!

Justice

The first death that had a profound impact on me was the death of my childhood best friend. She was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease at the age of 24 and died at the age of 26. She was more like a twin sister to me, and it seemed so unnatural to lose her. I thought we'd always be there for each other.

Several months after she died, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. Like you, my dad was my hero. He was the only one in the family who understood my "wild side." It broke my heart to lose him. Not wanting to be left out of the "party," my mom died from amyloidosis eight days after my father died.

It wasn't really necessary for you to say good-bye to your dad. He's moved on, but he didn't leave you. Nico can serve as your reminder, along with the Stetson cologne. It's your job now to honor him by living strong. His memory, and the love and guidance he gave you, will help you on your path.

After my Dad died,just 2 weeks later,one of my best friends was murdered in our own apartment complex.Then within the next 3-4 months 3 more of my friends died.Then I lost a nephew,and then my brothers wife was pregnant,and they got in a car accident,and lost the baby.Then just this past Valentines Day,a friend in California was brutally murdered by her boyfriend! So I've had so much death surrounding me lately that it's like,I'm just wondering ,who's next? I don't like that feeling!

((((((Justice)))))),

I'm sorry there's been so much anger and pain and loss surrounding you recently.

It's hard to keep your balance when the one thing that you have the most difficulty with keeps happening over and over again.

It doesn't give you time to heal and to recover from one assault on your heart before another one happens.

You know, honey, I believe that The Universe will keep placing a lesson in front of us until we learn it. There's so much anger and violence surrounding you, I wonder if The Universe wants you to discover your calm and peaceful side

There just aren't enough words to comfort someone who's had so much loss in their life. Other than to say "I understand" and "I wish you didn't have to go through this".

I'll say a quiet prayer tonight for the friends and family that you've lost recently. I'll pray for you too, Justice -- pray that you find peace in your heart.

Hugs.

Barb

I'm really afraid of who's going to die next,because I have 3 little brothers that have drug problems,and they only worsened after my Dad died,and I understood why they got worse,because they were raised just like me,not knowing how to deal with loss! So they self medicate with drugs.Because of the way I was treated by my Mom and most of the rest of my family including other relatives when I seeked help,and was diagnosed Bi-polar/Schizo-affective disorder.That sent a message to the rest of my family that it was a bad thing to get help,and that they would be judged and shunned just like me.So they don't dare,instead they do drugs to drown out the pain,and any other symptoms they may have.My Dad told me,while he was still working as a Psychologist Ph.D that my Mom was Bi-Polar,and she refused to get help,or be medicated,that she was in denial.I have a hard time believing that out of 11 kids that I'm the only one that has a mental illness.Both of my illnesses are hereditary! But the youngest are twins,and now they are 26 years old,but both are drug addicts,one is addicted to heroine,and pain pills,and the other just pain pills,and he drinks a lot with the pills. The other little brother is 28 years old,and is in and out of jail for methamphetamines,using and selling it,and he's an addict,plus he's hooked on pills too,and he drinks.And everytime the cops try to stop him in a car he gets in a high speed chase! I try to talk to them,and be there for them,and never judge them.But I'm really afraid that one of them are gonna be next.I have other older brother that are extremely overweight and diabetic,and they are in poor health because of the mixture of the excessive weight and the diabetes. I'd rather my Mom go next,that may sound bad,but she is pure evil! I believe that if my Mom was gone,my brothers just might look for help,and not be so afraid to reach out,before it's too late! But they come to me,when they need to talk,cause they know that I'm the only one that understands and won't judge them,or tell my Mom on them! Now thats sad for them to have to live that way!And I don't want to lose them,but my Mom is going to end up causing there death by her judging and beliefs that getting help is bad!

Justice,

My heart goes out to you. I just lost my father last week. He was always so active and healthy and his life ended suddenly due to the hospital screwing up and releasing him. If they only treated him he would still be here. He was only 73. He was a great father, a funny man and loved by everyone. He was my mother's best friend even though they bickered like little children but they took care of one another. I am so upset and angry.

I hope the pain eases over time but the memories of my father will always remain. He was a wonderful man and will be missed by all.

Take care of yourself justice. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Thanks! I'm so sorry you lost YOUR father,and just so recently,that must be so hard for you right now,yet you have such a heart to reach out to me,when you're going through this at this moment in time for you!
I knew my Dad was not going to make it through this last attack he had,yet the same thing happened to him,the hospital released him,he went back to his retirement home,and 3 days later he was back in the ER,and about a week later,he died! I still have a hard time with trusting that hospital,even though that's the hospital doing all my test's and stuff,it just reminds you of your loved one,doesn't it? It's hard to forget the place you lost your loved one,because you keep hoping you can go back there,and see him.

I just got to see my Dad's Grave for the first time since his funeral this year for memorial day,to put flowers on it! The first time I saw his headstone.In the past,my family thought I wouldn't be able to handle it,so they would'nt take me,and it's too far to walk,and there aren't any buses that go out there!It actually made me feel like I was showing my Dad that I cared,by being there,even though I did cry.But I got to tell him I loved him,and I got to thank him for my little Nico(my puppy),I look at him as a gift from my Dad!But before that,it really upset me that I couldn't go,because I didn't want my Dad to think I was choosing not to go.But then I realized that my Dad spends a lot of time in my apartment,I feel him,sometimes I smell his cologne.And I know he's watching over me,and he knows how the rest of the family is with me,so I have to remind myself that he understands,and won't blame me,that he can now come to me! His love surrounds me,and when I'm down is when I feel him the most!

Your father can now be with you as well,even though right now the pain is at it's worse,because it just happened.But he's watching over you,and even if you don't have all the time in the world,and get busy,here and there with life! He does have all the time in the world,and can be wherever you are,right by your side.Love is the most powerful thing in all existence,and can do amazing things.He'll always be with you.