Looking forward to seeing the pictures of Bubba's Memory Garden. Your neighbors appear to be thrilled to be able to do this "labor of love". I can picture you with them in the store exchanging ideas. Your input is so important to them.

Thanks again for sharing.


Gerry

The garden is finished and oh my gosh it's absolutely beautiful. People are slowing down at they drive by to see such a beautiful site. They did an awesome job and even my son, who was hesitant about it, says it is truly an honor to his dad.

DejaVu........I would never consider you intrusive. As I've said before I'm pretty much an open book. I've always been a happy go lucky type and like to make people smile. I've just not been my normal self this past week and not sure when I'll feel normal again or if I ever will. I was pretty active on here at one time but things changed in my life and I hardly posted but kept reading posts when I could to catch up.

But I'm back and hope to be conversing with all of you on different subjects.

I actually slept all night last night. Woke up once, saw my sweet Lane in bed beside me and went back to bed. Woke up about 10:30 and let Luke in. Took my meds and still felt horrible so I went back to be for a couple hours. When I got up I felt better.

Everything reminds me of Bubba.....I washed the sheets today but could not wash the pillow cases.......I feel like I would be washing him away and it made me so sad. I just sat and hugged his pillows trying to smell him again. I still feel him around me....around this house. I think of him in every room I walk into.

I have a PM appointment tomorrow. Luke says that is the only thing he wants me to do tomorrow. He has taken this week off too so he wants to spread things out which I already figured I would have to do. I know everywhere I go is going to be hard since it will all be connected to his passing.

Thanks for being here my friends. I read all your responses and it makes me feel good that I am cared for on here and they you are praying and thinking of me and my family.

Debi from Georgia

Hi Debi,
I am so glad you were able to get some sleep last night. It is 11:30PM and as I check on you before I go to sleep, I am so glad you have kept us updated.

The garden sounds so beautiful. What a lovely reminder of how much Bubba was loved by so many people. When my father passed a few years back, I was amazed at the outpouring of affection and all the lives he touched, that I had not known about, and I have feeling Bubba touched many lives in the same way.

I certainly understand not wanting to wash pillowcases. It may be too soon to do this but there is a lovely way to remember a loved one by saving alot of their favorite clothes like flannel shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, ties, tshirts, work clothes, jackets, jeans, a favorite blanket, etc and have them cut into small pieces and made into a a quilt (and maybe have them made for your kids as well).
I had a friend who had that done and she did not wash the clothes because she wanted the smell of her husbands cologne and the woman who made the quilt for her said she completely understood. If someone in your circle of family,friends or neighbors can sew, I am sure they would feel honored to do that for you all. Or some organizations like church groups, etc have quilting groups and they may do it for you as well.

Hope you sleep well again tonight Debi...Lord knows you need some solid rest.
In my heart, prayers and thoughts,
God Bless you and your entire family.
Love, D.

P.S. How is your mother doing?

P.P.S.
I looked up those Memory quilts. many folks on etsy.com make them. A VERY wide array of prices.

Debi, after my husband's passing I would go and stand in our closet and bury my face in his shirts because I could still smell his scent on them. Sometimes I'd take his cologne and spray it in there just to be able to get the feeling that he was close by. So many things I did that I thought were "odd" but now realize that it was just my way of coping. There are no wrong ways to cope.

One thing that surprised me......and nobody mentioned it to me.....were the "grief bursts". I'd be having a relatively good day and something would trigger my memory or otherwise remind me of something that had to do with my husband and that was all it took. Wherever I was I'd have a mini-meltdown. I'll never forget once in the line at the post office the man in front of me had a package with a return address on it and it had the same first name as my hubby. Something as simple as that. I had to leave. I was fine after a couple of minutes but random things will trigger you for a while. And it's usually things that only mean something to you personally.

I'm looking forward to your pictures of the garden, too. What a sweet gesture for your neighbors to do. Sounds like you have lots of good friends.

I have mentioned in the past, your relationship with Luke reminds me so much of my son's. So good and understanding of him to take this week off giving you the time to space all that has to be done. His being with you will be so comforting.

Really looking forward to seeing pictures of the Memory Garden. Such a thoughtful and beautiful gesture.

Even now when I hear music from the Phantom of the Opera brings back so many memories. (All good.) Early on, was in the store one day shopping and the background music of the Phantom was played throughout the store; the tears flowed. We had gone to see the play with my daughter and her husband on a Thursday, he passed that Sunday.

Debi, eventually these memories become a beautiful treasure. I'm sure you will have many.


Gerry

Hi Debi,

Thank you for your kind words.

The garden sounds wonderful!

Continued Love and Prayers,

DejaVu

Guess I should not have bragged about sleeping all night...lol

Update on my mom: The xray dept called this morning from the clinic we use asking for me to bring her back in for additional xrays. Not sure what the radiologist is looking for. I took her to a satellite office last Thurs that is closer to our house and where our dr's are. They did the original xrays there....this call came from the main clinic that is in the downtown area of the next city over. I'm guessing the radiologist looked at mom's films from last week and wanted more ? Hoping they don't find anything else. Not sure I'll be physically or mentally able to cope with something else right now. I took her around lunchtime for these.

On the way to put the wheelchair back up from getting her out of the car. (she absolutely hates a wheelchair as much as I do) the lady at the front desk remarked that I looked so tired....well that was it.....tears started rolling just like some of you said they would. This lady remembered me from coming in for chemo treatments in 2013. I felt the need to tell her about my husband and she was so sweet and stunned at the news.

Then Luke drove me to the PM in the afternoon......since I've become so close to all of them I started crying again. One lady in particular that has helped me on many occasions came into the room and talked to me and Luke before the dr came in. So sweet....she cried too. And then the dr came in and hugged me and wanted to know what happened. Tears again. Said he wasn't going to check me too much since I am sore all over. He said the added stress is why my pain is spiking. Already knew that but was nice of him to say it. I asked him to write me a prescription for a transport chair. I don't need a wheelchair since I can't wheel myself around. Just a transport chair for the kids to push me in when needed. Hopefully the insurance will pay for some of it.

Got the COBRA paperwork from my husband's insurance. I will need it for part of Sept and all of Oct. My medicare kicks in Nov 1st and from what I'm reading I can't use his insurance if I have medicare. I need to check into that since all deductibles have been paid and it pays for all my meds with a small co pay.....would be nice if I could use it until the end of the year while I'm looking for supplemental ins to go with the medicare. The few times I've looked at supplemental in the medicare paperwork it looks like something in another language ! Going to have to get Hope to help me on that stuff so I can understand what I'm doing.

A man I know at the funeral home suggested I call an 800 # he's given me before going to the SS Office....said to try and get as much done over the phone as I can. Going to try that in the morning as well as pay Sept bills which I'm going to have to use my mom's checking acct to do. 2 of our 3 accts are frozen.....my whole SSDI check is in one of them from the end of Aug. Going to have to change rep payee from Bubba to Christina and then open a new acct for SSDI check. All this is so crazy...when can't they just take him off and add her ? I need to look for my SS card since his work needs it to process all their stuff. I need to listen to phone messages and then we're going to try and see the lawyer in the afternoon. I already feel the tension rising in my body just typing about it.

I'm so tired....I mean done to the bone weary. Is everything just settling in now and my body is trying to tell me something ?

Thank you all for posting....I've re-read all these posts several times and they have been so helpful to me. So caring and I get a nice feeling of warmth when I read them. Your thoughts and prayers are coming through to me.

Please keep the posts coming....I need them

Debi from Georgia

Oh my dear Debi,

Yes, so very much to take care of without any time to get your head wrapped around it all.

Not sure if it is good or bad that one must deal with all the financial aspects so quickly. It makes one wonder: Does it help to be so occupied with it that it takes your mind off your grief and forces one to avoid the desire to just shut the world out, ...or would it be better to have the time to grieve FIRST, then deal with all the details. I don't know which would be better for the person that must handle all the details. I think either way is difficult. Some things can not be postponed but who wants to deal with those matters when one's heart is breaking. We don't always realize just how complicated life gets until we have to untangle all the mess. Makes me wish for simpler times.

Your FIRST and foremost task is to change the rep for your benefits so you will have access to your disability benefits.

It sounds like you have plans to get everything taken care of and are right on track.

I will reserve the "health insurance and Medicare" topic for a later post.

We are here for you and really appreciate you keeping us updated as you travel this road.

You don't have to be strong every moment. Allow yourself to grieve. Cry whenever you need. We share your tears. Sleep is something that will be hit and miss, especially when you are not only fighting pain but also sorrow. There will be times when you can't sleep and times when you can't get enough sleep. Be kind to yourself. There is no right and wrong. Sleep whenever you can to allow your body the recuperation it needs.

Your messages are so welcome and we look forward to hearing from you whenever you are up to the task.

I am so sorry that you have so much to deal with and so immediately. It is hard enough when one is healthy and fully functional but when you add disability to the mix, it is beyond difficult.

Hi Debi,

About your Mom's broken ribs. I have been told by many in the radiology field that rib fractures are not always easy to see on x-ray films. It is not unusual to have repeat x-rays.

Hope there are no additional injuries discovered. Your Mom must really be stoic. I could not lay down with my fractured ribs. I had to sleep in a chair for a LONG time. Every breath hurt but breathing was a necessity.

So much to do and think about. Maybe just sort and do the priorities first and some of the things that can; let them slide for a little while.

There might be a chance that your husband's insurance may be able to be your secondary insurance with Medicare as your primary. You will most likely be responsible for the Cobra/insurance expense. Possibly Luke may be able to call your husband's place of employment to get information rather than you dealing with it at this time.

Just seeing certain people makes holding back the tears next to impossible. These are good for you; don't try to hold back your feelings.

Hopefully writing and sharing with us at NT gives you some sense of release knowing how much we care.

With love & prayers,

Gerry