St. George,

You are having a very common and human reaction to tragedy and loss. It is natural to question if anything could have been done differently. This is you working through the shock and denial and working towards "bargaining" where a person tries desperately to understand some way things could be different.

Please don't give yourself a hard time. I cannot imagine what you could've done differently. And had you known, would the outcome actually have changed? I don't know what type of surgery your husband had but I do know a lot about hospital induced delirium having worked in medical and psychiatric facilities for many years. I transferred many a patient in for care of that very problem. I never saw a patient with such compromised O2 levels. What you have described leads me to believe there was something else going on medically and perhaps anoxic damage was contributing to your husbands agitation.

I think if you feel comfortable with his doctors then it is reasonable to accept that they advised you wisely that there was nothing more to be done. Most intensivists cling to their patient's lives and don't advise hospice unless there really are no other options.

I am so sorry for the rent you carry in your heart. I hope there is some comfort in the nurses statement that everyone was where they were supposed to be. I believe this is true. I am so grateful that your husband did not pass in the hospital or in transport. That he was in a comfortable place and had a little peace ahead of time. You are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Walking around with a big hole in your heart and feeling leaky. That is enough, no need to blame yourself on top of it!

We are all thinking of you and carrying you with us. I am sending love and thoughts of peace and respite.

Did you make that ocean trip? Go, go... And let the healing wash over you.

May blessings wash over you in a drenching balm of peace and comfort dear St George.
May memories flow through you sweetly in fond recollection of the love you know through Bubba.
May you have rest as moments capture your thoughts and shared joys show you the richness of relationship well lived.
You teach me so much in your sharing.
I pray for you a heart at peace.
M56

i am so sorry for your loss debi. but i've learned that wondering "what if" will not change anything and will only make you feel worse. you did everything right just by being by your husbands side and loving him. that's what matters most. my mom always tells me that "when it's our time, it's our time" and nothing that we do will change that. it is our fate and destiny to pass when we do. i believe what she says is true. and i believe that you did everything right and that your husband was grateful and blessed to have you by his side until the end. i pray that you can find peace and joy in the memories you shared together. soft hugs and prayers are coming your way.

Hi all.....I've felt pretty puny the last couple of days....early last week I thought I might have a UTI but that calmed down just to come back the end of this week....on top of that my face hurts.....my husband would say "with a face like that.....lalalal"....lol

Finally got my COBRA insurance turned on late yesterday afternoon so made an appointment for this afternoon. I felt so bad at times I could hardly walk from one room to the next. Dr T confirmed sinus infection and since I could not tinkle, gave me Cipro saying it would cover both.

Oh poo.......it's ciprofloxacin.....is that one of the antibiotics we aren"t suppose to take with PN ? Probably so with my luck.

He also said for me to go see my Gyn since the pain is 'down there' and they are always watching for cancer recurrence.....I also have a mesh sling holding my bladder up and that always worries me too. The surgeon that put it in in 2012 said it wasn't the stuff that has been recalled. But I've read people can have other troubles with mesh implants. How would they know ? Just curious......ultrasound ?

Because I feel bad the tears are near the surface and every little thing sets me off. Feeling pretty sorry for myself right now.

Everything reminds me of him. He is constantly on my mind......when I start thinking and seeing him in Hospice I try really hard to refocus myself......that horrible pain makes me physically sick.

I know in my head it was his time and that the good Lord doesn't make mistakes but my poor heart believes differently. I didn't realize how much we did talk to each other until he was gone. I'm wanting to tell him stuff all the time so I just talk to this empty house. Like he's here......still with me and I know in a way he is.

I thank each of u from the bottom of my heart for your messages. They mean the world to me and I know there are many that have me in their thoughts and prayers even without a message.

Debi from Georgia

Dear Debi,

Feeling bad physically will definitely magnify all the other things going on in your life. Hard enough to deal with all you have on your plate, but to add, an acute illness with your chronic pain, and your grief is so overwhelming.

If you have some time, look for a photo of Bubba at a very happy time, and put it on the front of the refrigerator. Seeing that photo will help to replace the hospice image that keeps popping into your mind.

Sure hope you have nothing more than an acute infection that will rapidly improve. You have been on overdrive for a while and your immune system is probably very worn down at the moment making you vulnerable to acute issues right now. Get as much rest as possible to give your body and mind a chance to recover and regenerate.

Just because Bubba is no longer physically present, you can still talk to him all you want. It is just hard not to be able to hear his voice responses. You spent enough years with him to know exactly what his responses would be to your conversation so you can still hear him in your mind.

I still have conversations with some of my departed loved ones. When I go to the cemetery, I talk to them. I talk to them at home. We never realize how much our lives are entwined with the people we share a home and our lives with until they are no longer there. The sharing and caring are suddenly gone that we did not realize was so much a part of our daily living.

Hope you are feeling better very soon.

Debi,

Glad you were able to get in to see the doctor before this infection worsened. I too have my bladder in a mesh sling. Unfortunately, the antibiotic i was given for 14 days after the surgery was Levaquin which is at the top of the list of antibiotics and PN; not sure about the one you were given.

Especially with your history, you really need to see the Gyn on a regular basis. I am on estrogen so the Gyn has me come in every 6 months for hormone lab work and a 6 months prescription.

I remember the quiet evenings were the most difficult. And of course, there are things you want to ask or tell him things that are going on; and then you remember.....I know it hurts Debi.

I like your husband's response your face hurting.... "lalala" . Really cute!!

Hope you get a decent night's sleep. Your resistance is pretty low right now.
Take care dear friend,


Gerry

............

We were coming up the road toward our house and Luke was coming down the road in his dad's truck.....boy it's hard seeing his truck on the road and him not behind the wheel

Had to clear off the top of the chester drawer tonight and that's where I kept all of Bubba's medicines, powder, diapers etc......just broke my heart......could not bear to do away with any of it so I put it in the laundry room for now and cried......the kids felt so bad for me......and then.....

My mom asks if I had been crying and I said yes and told her why......then she wants to know what I'm going to do with all his clothes ! I know her mind isn't working right but it was the WRONG time to bring that up. Told her I had no plans to do anything with them for quite a while.....if ever.

But I did get a tv to put in the bedroom......I have got to get back involved with life......hopefully I can make it through at least one show. I'm so out of touch that we could have been invaded for the last 4 months and I would not have known......which is pretty funny and sad.

Take care of yourselves my friends.

Debi from Georgia