The time I've been afraid for, for many years now is soon here. In a few days my love is going to die, after knowing he will for a few years now. He was always too strong and everytime his illness almost took over, he just fought back and he still enjoyed life.

I've always been so scared, believing I would go crazy without him. Even thinking about his body suddenly not breathing anymore, or knowing his body is buried, or the big emptiness in my life after all those years of having him with me and taking care of him was just too much. I cried hysterically a lot of times. I sometimes even needed pills or abused some alcohol to cope and to hang in there. I sincerely believed I would be going to a mental hospital after he died because I just don't even know who I am without him. I love him more than life.

But now, when he is almost gone, I don't feel that much. And that scares me even more.
It would be nice if I could just feel this way because I am in peace knowing he soon will not suffer anymore, and it's for the best. But I'm not sure if that's what it is.
Yes I sometimes cry, yes I hold him and want to keep holding him. But I don't feel pain or sadness.

I'm so scared this is not a good sign...
Will I collapse or will my brain not be able to handle it after he's gone? Doc says (and we all know it too) it's a matter of hours or days. I'm scared I'm in some kind of automatic state and will have an attack of too intense grief soon. I'm so, so scared.

Can someone relate?

I'm not a doctor and only know what I have experienced first hand but what you're describing sounds normal.

It might just be your body's way of protecting itself. I know I was very "held together" at my husband's visitation and funeral but once I was home and alone it all came out.

I'm the type of person that doesn't want the focus or attention on me so I tend to be quiet during events with lots of people. But once alone......it all comes out. It's like a release valve has been activated.

Don't worry about how you will react. Everyone is different and everyone reacts in their own personal way. No right or wrong here.

And please accept my condolences. It's never easy even when we know it's imminent.

I do understand what you are going through. And from my experience it is normal.

I just lost my husband of 35 years on Aug 30th......2 months ago. I'm only 53 and knowing all the lonely years ahead makes me sick at my stomach.

He had surgery in May of this year but never in a million years did I think we would lose him. Sounds like you are feeling exactly as I did for weeks after he passed. I wish I had that feeling back.

I had done my crying but at his 2 month passing mark this past Friday I just lost it. Cried on and off Fri, Sat and yesterday. I was on auto pilot for so long these feelings are very hard to deal with.

What I can tell you is that whatever you are feeling, whenever you are feeling them is normal. No one grieves the same.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this terrible time but so very glad you are there to hold him and love him. I wish I had known my husband would last less than 48 hours in Hospice. I would have done things differently.

So let him know how much you love him and just be there by his side. It will help you when the time comes that you were right there offering your love and support.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. We care about you and I don't know what I would have done without these wonderful people on NT. They have gotten me through these 2 months along with my kids and grandkids.

Hugs to you dear Ravenclaw

Debi from Georgia

Thanks both. I feel so much and so little at te same time. I feel confused, because I'm not spending every second looking at him breathing or touching him or smell him. He is with me in this room, and thank god he is still mentally okay, and maybe it helps he is so much at peace. Even though communication isn't always possible anymore, there are some moments we still are able to share. Sometimes just looking at eachother is enough.

Now I'm typing this quietly crying. He's asleep. Why am I online? Why am I typing? Shouldn't I be holding him? I'm afraid I'm not doing the right thing and later feel guilty.

I'm so confused and I feel pain not even sure of this is grief or sadness it's just pain.

Do Exactly what you are doing. You are with him and that is enough.

You are online because you need someone to talk to...to help you through this.

You still have to take care of yourself. I had some guilt about leaving him and going home to shower etc but I should not have. I have medical problems myself and he would have wanted, no Ordered, me to do what I had to to get through it.

You are doing great. Stay strong.

Debi

I agree with all the comments, I lost a husband to a shocking divorce over 40 yrs ago and I never thought I'd ever make it or live without that man. I've heard thru support groups etc that it is sometimes harder to get thru a hard divorce than when we lose a love thru death. Death is final, divorce "that" person continues on and you are left. Yes I was left by him and thought it was the end of the world. Not so.

Years ago in the 80's I embraced a philosophy Science of Mind and a lot of it's principles include attachments...that's to persons, places, things. I worked on that one and letting go of all attachments makes my life much easier.

I was with both parents at their end and was able to tell them, they could go. They were so ready and lived long lives but were very tired and ill.

Now to this day I still think of my little nephew who died in a horrible accident at age 5...he never had much of a life. That was over 25 yrs ago. Think of that little boy all the time.

A long time friend and I talk a lot now, she buried her husband of 63 yrs. It wasn't a marriage made in heaven but she hung in. She never thought she could ever make it if she divorced him but she could have, I know that one. She took care of him for close to 20 yrs with his failing health. Today she talks about how free she feels and has enough good memories. And no regrets about hanging in with him in spite of the many hard times.

Life goes on we keep going with or without that person. We all have our time here and we don't know when that time is up.

Acceptance, memories and take care of YOU. Life is a mystery and we just have to go with it.

Ravenclaw, I don't have much to offer beyond saying that I think that grieving always follows its own path and takes its own time - there is no "right" way to grieve.

Please be gentle with yourself - whatever feels right for you is the only thing that matters.

With care.

Ravenclaw

You're going to find that no matter what you do or don't do you're going to feel some guilt. It's just part of the process.

I would drive myself to distraction thinking of what I didn't do.....didn't say.....why I did this and not that......it can really do a number on your mental health. I joined a grief counseling group for a short while after he passed away and it really helped. I didn't feel so alone but hated the fact that there were others hurting just as I was.

You'll get lots of advice from others during this time. I know I did. You just have to do what works for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Having a place to come and write out your feelings where you know you won't be judged or criticized is invaluable.

Thanks all. It truly does help to talk, and to share.
Today we had some visitors to say goodbye. Seeing others in pain made me cry. It was good to cry together, and talk.

Thankful for every hour he is still with me, though it's hard to look at him breathing or being awake, while knowing this is over very soon.
I've just never experienced a loss of someone so close to me, so dear to me. He is my soulmate.

I've had you in my thought and prayers since reading your thread.

Losing my Bubba has been the hardest thing I've had to face in my 53 years. I lost my dad 15 years ago and I loved him dearly but this is different.

My husband was in a Hospice facility and we had people in and out all that weekend. Bless their hearts they were so sad to see him as he was. Knowing the vibrant man he had been. His sisters are having a hard time as Bubba was their baby brother.

I know you are going through so many emotions right now and will do so in the future. All you can do is take them as they come and try to get through them as best you can. I am so sorry and my heart aches for you.

Please reach out to us when you need to. Having this site to come to in my grief has helped me very much.

Please take care of yourself.

Hugs

Debi from Georgia