just to finish answering the questions and ideas people raised I am very fortunate to have a caregiver who comes in in the morning and in the evening as well. She is lovely and I know how lucky I am, if I did not have her I would not be able to live here at all. And thank you Lara for the suggestions about Lifeline and Health line. I have used both of these numbers in the past Everytime I ring Healthline they want to ring an ambulance and in 2 cases have done so. However the emergency department is not the place for me now and the hospital does not cater well for chronic conditions.

EnglishDave I agree getting my mental health in a better space would be helpful but that would be no easy thing. I've had very serious depression since my teens and am now in my late 40s. All my adult life I've worked hard to manage it and was what they call 'high functioning ' but many of my helping tools were around being able bodied. So I walked in the hills, ran on the beach, just got out in nature. ....it was always where i felt best. I have to develop new tools I guess. Anyway thanks again for everyone's thoughts.