my father died on jan. 24, 2007. he died with copd. for those of you who does not know what this disease is, the best way thaT I CAN DESCRIBE IT IS YOUR BODY SUFFICATES. i had to watch as he struggled for breath for almost a month. it was very hard to do. me mom, brother, sister and i were all with him when the time came for him to go. it has been almost a year since that happened and yet each night when i lay down i not only hear him taking his last breath but i also see him. i have tried everything that i know of to ease this pain, but nothing seems to work. i still cry myself to sleep alot. i have lost alot of relatives and friends in my life time but it has never effected me like this. i do not know which way to turn. i pray to no relief. i know that god hears me but somehow my prayers are not answered. i am told it will take time to get over this, but it already seems like a million years ago. if anyone can shed some enlightment on this subject i would be most greatful.

I am so sorry ghaverstick. At this point in time it would seem like a never ending sea of grief and you are coming up on the holidays which are always so stressful when you lose a loved one....also the first year anniversary is looming for you so your plate is really full.

There is no time table for our grieving...it takes as long as it takes and you must be very kind to yourself and not have a lot of expectations. Have you tried planting anything in his memory? Is there a support grief that meets in your area? It really helps to talk about how you are feeling with others who has "been there".

We are here for you and will gladly listen. Warm hugs.

thank you so much. yes, the holidays will be tough. fathers day was spent in tears. he passed away in the local hospice unit. they have a support group that meets every thursday. i attend that. most of the time i spend is with my mother. she lives with me now. she seems to have lost her will and enjoyment of the things that she used to do. i know that it is hard on her, they were married almost 44 years. i have tried to take her with me but she does not wish to go anywhere. i now have to give her insulin twice a day. she used to inject herself. they say that i have not grieved myself. i have taken the time to help everyone else adjust and with their grief that i did not grieve myself. this may be true but i do not think so. my heart is still broken just as it was the frist night he was gone.

You are probably still in shock dear lady...that wonderful cocoon that wraps around us, protecting us from the reality of never seeing that person again. And you, as a caregiver have yet another reason to postpone your grieving.

Watching your father struggle for each breath is a painful memory...one that will take time to replace. Does your mother cry often...ever? Does she read?

My heart goes out to you both....I'm glad you are attending the support group. What is the moderator like? Do you talk? Talking about our feelings helps in the healing process. Do you ask your mother to talk about your father....how they met, etc. We all yearn to talk about our loved ones who have passed on. You can cry together....it helps.

my mother does talk about him often. she is at the point to where she still is angry that he left her. she can not read very well. her father was old fashioned. he believed that all a women should know was how to cook, clean, work in the cotton feilds, and have babies. she was born in 1942 to a family of 12 siblings. in this day and age i find it hard to believe that someone would not think that their children should know how to read and write. she is 25 years older than i am. i guess it was just a way of life back then. we have several different counsilers. they are the people that when you first admit your loved one to the hospice unit that you speak to. they are nice folks , but knowing that they deal with the subject on a daily bases one tends to wonder if they are just going through the handbook. i guess i am still angry, in a way. i at times still do not believe that it can be real. it is like a nightmare that is so real that when you awake it is still with you.

(((ghaverstick))) I can understand the anger. The only way to get over grief is to go through it. It a very long journey. I feel your pain and hers' too.