Hi,

For some reason unknown to me I ended up here today.
I am a chronic pain patient (17 years, but severe for the past 5).

I don't think I am depressed but 4 psych doctors say I am.
The medical doctors say that too.
They see it, I don't. I wonder why they would say that about me.
The doctors call it the PollyAnna Syndrome, a smiling depression
Maybe I do deny being depressed because I'm not in touch with
what I feel

An ear specialist told me my ear problems were too severe for her and referred me out to a
teaching institute that only "does ears" because I may have a tumor.
I was speachless - rather words in my head wouldn't come out of my
mouth and I couldn't even tell her I had no intention of going there.
I didn't say anything.
Two weeks later I called her to ask if I really had a tumor and she
wouldn't tell me because she said I had to go to this other place.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just numb. I don't have the energy to commit suicide.
I like the word numb because it describes how I have become.
I have no past trauma except this pain. Oh and the lying worker comp doctors. They have hurt me more than anyone in my life. I'm over that now.
They will have to face their maker one day. Even my own doctors have my records all screwed up with mistakes. That is how this started.

Then one psych said "she blames work and doctors for her problems." I don't blame work AT ALL but the doctors and WC who delayed my care and caused my pain to spread all over my body so I'll never work again, well, that hurts and it should because it took me permanently from a job I loved very much.

I have no desire to get out of bed, nor to eat (unless like Ada, it is something I can pick up quick).
I'm not really able to cook. My husband is home at night to cook for me.
He has to really encourage me to come out of my room to eat.
I feel so bad he sits alone all evening and most nights goes to bed alone.

I'm too disabled to drive or do housework or take a walk.
One psych told me to walk at least 15 minutes
every day to get the endorphins going, But it hurts too much to walk
and it is too much effort. And I am Type A personality.
My husband used to joke "do you EVER sit down?"

I have lots of friends who call me but I rarely pick up the phone to call anyone.
The only time I call friends is when I know they really need someone to talk to.
If someone calls me, we can talk for hours unless I let it go into voicemail.

I can make calls to help my husband, like call a plumber, but it may take 2 - 3 days.

A very good friend whol lives 6 hours away called and asked to come visit and even though I don't feel like company I said ok.
When she said 7 days I almost fell off my chair and said NO, 2 days only.
She wants to take me to the beach
movies, and all over. I don't want to go anywhere.
She's been hospitalized for depression so knows a lot about it
and says it is not good to stay alone so much.
I tell her, you try having pain all these years and see if you feel like
going out.
If I didn't need meds renewed I wouldn't even go to the doctor. I said no to a mammogram and bone density this year.

I'd rather sit very still without moving than get up to take my medications so that I CAN move.

There must be a word for this. I do have a desire to help people, even if it is just listening to them, when
THEY need someone to talk to, which is a lot of the time.
I don't have any problem being there for someone as long as I don't have to leave my house.
I used to do a lot more support on the forums than I do now.
You would never know this if you met me. I hide it without trying to. It is on auto pilot.

I don't think it is depression but I don't know what you would call it.
I'll probably regret submitting this because I've never shared it
with anyone

Wishing everyone a great week
Hope

I don't know for sure what you would call it either, but it's definitely a problem. If you changed just few parts, you could be describing my own experience very closely. The chronic pain. Arguing with my doctors over whether I'm depressed or not. I spent three years in my bedroom, only eating in the evening just like you. Only leaving when I had to because of a doctor's appointment. I was numb all the time. I lost all my interest in the things I used to like to do. At first because it hurt too much, but eventually because I just hadn't done anything in so long.

I wasn't suicidal. I didn't have much energy. I still have to take pills sometimes to put on weight because I don't bother to eat. I also feel like I'm in neutral half the time. But then a year ago my best friend suffered an injury at work. Nothing too serious, just a torn shoulder muscle. But he couldn't work for three months. So he decided to spend that whole three months with me. He would call every morning to see what I was doing. I'd tell him I really wasn't up to having company, and besides, I'd be no fun since all I was doing was staring at the walls. He'd say that's okay, we could stare at them together. Try to pick out a good color for them.

He did that day after day, and soon I began to realize that I always felt just a little bit better at the end of the day. By month two I was looking forward to his visits, because he never tried to talk me into anything. He'd just ask, and when I said I couldn't do it he'd say that's okay. By month three I wasn't always saying I couldn't anymore. I started letting him take me to simple places to do simple things.

Anyway, it's been a year since then, and now I leave my bedroom every day. I actually drive a car for short distances. Every workday I go in to my parents business and at least hang around for a while, even if I can't do any work. I'm there right now. But I'm still arguing with my doctor over whether I am depressed or not. He says that he doesn't see how a person could hurt for so long and not be depressed. I say it's different. But now he has finally ordered me to go see a psychologist for ten visits. I start this Thursday.

I suppose the shrink will probably say I'm depressed. All I know is that life has gotten a lot harder for me. I have to make myself do things that I used to do without thinking, or maybe even enjoy. So when I find out what the verdict is, I'll let you know. Good luck with your own feelings!

Idealist

(((((Hope)))) You sure have a lot on your plate. I can't tell you whether you are depressed or not. Have the doctors prescribed anything for you to treat the depression? If so, are you feeling any better or different?

We are here to support you.

Julie

I am sorry to know others go through such rough times.

It must get easier with time.

I take an antidepressant at night for several years.
I take one in the morning too, welbutrin.
I haven't noticed any difference with either with how I feel.

Maybe I should wean off them to see how I do.
I'll discuss it with my doctor, thanks for the compassion I've see on
this site.

Hope

I PM'd you last night so I hope you got it.

I was going to say though that you are telling my story except for WC. I fought SS for 8 years. They finally told me the only way I would get it is to go see a Dr. for everything that was wrong with me. When you don't have insurance you can't do that. My beloved PCP had taken care of me for 5 years free and every year filled out the information for SS. Because he was a PCP they wouldn't take his word for anything. That's when I got a State Rep involved and he had my SSI within one week. My SS time had run out to get it so I can't draw that until I am 62. A lot of people don't know that there is a deadline on how long you can fight for your SS to get it before you turn 62.

Anyway, I will tell you, I am a 55 year old woman, I was married 34 years when Bill passed away in Nov. We had one daughter together and I have two wonderful stepkids and 4 step grandkids.

I got sick at the ripe old age of 35. At first they told me I had injured my back. Couldn't remember doing that but I did have back pain but I was dealing with stomach problems. It took 3 years for them to find the tumors in me and my Dr. found them by doing a test in his office. He went up in my colon and found some tumors. He had sent me out to the hospital so many times I would most likely owe them 100,000. if I was not put on their indegent care program. He finally got fed up and did that test for me.

I first had my appendix taken out for tumors on and in it. Also had some of my intestines taken out. I went through 5 years of testing to make sure I was cancer free.

Next was a partial hysterectomy for tumors. They left one overy which I was mad about. Then came the gallbladder for the mass across it and in it. Then came the TOS surgery, 2 rotator cuff surgeries, ulner nerve surgery, last overy out with scar tissue. Then all kinds of surgeries for my Interstital Cystitis, 2 kidney stone lipotripsies, 2 test where they went into my arteries to diagnose me with CAD, a stroke, heart attack, PUD, GERD, PAD, Suicidal tendencies, major depression, hearing problems due to an ear surgery that didn't heal right, had to have all my teeth pulled, diagnosed with RSD, Fibro, Costo, Central Sensitization Syndrome, Ranolds, degenertive disc disease in back and neck, spent 4 years in Physical therapy for my back, neck, RSDS, TOS, And Fibro, Etopic pregnancy, surgery for that to save my life.

I know I have left out some but I still feel like I am doing better then others. I had a good husband that helped take care of me even though he was disabled and we had a good PCP so that was my Godsend.

Now I'm waiting for next Wed. to go see the Dr. for the VNS implant for the depression. Then I know I am still looking at a few more surgeries down the road.

Like you, I don't even look disabled. What saved me though is that all of my friends saw me at my worst and helped me through a lot of it so they never doubted what I was going through.

Like you, I can't answer phones, I only go to Dr. appts. I don't go anywhere. My daughter is my caregiver so she does most everything for me as far as picking up meds and groceries. She took up that after her Dad passed in Nov.

I stay in one room of this house. I sleep, eat and watch tv there. I barely get dressed and I can honestly say I am hanging on by a thread nowadays.

I have a friend that says she is not depressed but she has been diagnosed with it so there are people like you that don't see it in yourself.

I have been suicidal from as far back as I can remember around 8 or 9 years old. It has always been there, won't say wheather I have tried or not.

I see so many people on here that are in the same shape I am in mentally. It's sad to see that and to know there are so many people out there that can't get the proper medical or mental care they need.

I will say the main reason I feel I got ok'd for the VNS so soon is because I stayed in therapy for over 8 years and followed through with it. It showed them that I was trying and never gave up.

If you get the oportunity to get therapy, take it and God willing it will help you but if you don't it will show that you are trying your hardest.

We know we will never get well and get back to work but we might get to a better place then we are now.

Ada

Big hugs Ada!

Our long time good friend that has not been on the forum recently, Mark Jordan often shared this.

Control you TOS before it controls you.
The less pain you have the easier to do that. The more pain the larger the loss of control.

When the body fails the mind has to take over, the mind can go on for so long and them it gives out too, soon all you have to run on is soul power...
How long is your soul power going to run for you, Hope.

I had a great psych that treated chronic pain patients that lost their lifestyle, and motivation to live to their diseases and syndromes.

We can get it back...Hope I am not sure how to tell you to gain your life back, but little steps, one day at a time. My first step was actually doing genealogy, then some scrap booking. It was something small.

I also joined a local committee that was working towards a recreational center and community efforts.
I became a part of something. It is tough sometimes to just get dressed and be a part of something, but actually the more you push yourself to do something for your self, others, it makes the pain lessen.

Also, a great pain management doctor, with good idea of what your situation is.
I would recommend a total clean out of meds too and get a restart, because, sometimes the antidepressants can actually have an adverse effect/. My daughter had a heck of problems on Effexor, cymbalta, and ssri's. On effexor she actually was psychotic with three voices or more telling her to do things. Then on Paxil and prozac she got depressed, so depressed but to stay in bed all day and whine and insomnia, days and nights mixed up.

I would find an expert doctor for evaluation of meds. One of the best in our area is a neurologist/psychiatrist specialty in pain management.
Intuition and natural instinct to your body and listening to hear what others that love you are saying can contribute something they see and you don't. If they are objective, some family members or friends don't have that.

As sad as I am I can not fall into a depressed oblivion....I am so sad though I have to cry, tears just come, I am actually off work for a month to get myself together. As much as I try to hold it together it is affecting me.

My prayers are with you,
Di
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/chronic-pain/PN00048

Reclaiming your life in spite of chronic pain
Complete relief from chronic pain may not be possible — but a full life certainly is. Establish your health care team and set goals to help you take back your life.
If you have a condition such as a broken bone, you recognize discomfort as a symptom and trust that treatment will help. After surgery, pain medication provides relief while your body heals. Chronic pain is different.

Sometimes chronic pain follows an illness or an injury that appears to have healed. In other cases, chronic pain develops for no apparent reason. Whatever the cause, the emotional fallout of chronic pain can make you hurt even more. Anxiety or depression can magnify unpleasant sensations, and disrupted sleep may leave you feeling fatigued and helpless.

But chronic pain doesn't have to rule your life. Here's how to take control.

Find the right care
If you've been going from doctor to doctor seeking relief, it's time to make a decision. You may choose a family physician, a specialist with expertise in your underlying condition, a pain management specialist or several doctors to work together.

When selecting a doctor, look for someone who:

Understands chronic pain
Wants to help
Listens well
Helps you feel at ease
Encourages you to ask questions
Allows you to disagree
Is willing to talk with your loved ones
Has a positive attitude
If you work with several doctors, make sure all of them have access to your medical records. Inform each doctor of the pain medication you're taking, who's prescribing it and what, if any, additional drugs you take for other reasons. Once your pain is under control, your primary doctor can provide ongoing prescriptions for pain medication.

Identify the obstacles
Chronic pain can dominate your thoughts. To shift your focus, identify an obstacle that prevents you from taking a step toward feeling better. Set reasonable, attainable goals to help you move past the obstacle and go on to the next challenge.

Consider these examples:

You don't take your medication as prescribed. You often take extra doses of pain medication at night because you've forgotten to take a scheduled dose during the day or you need pain medication to help you sleep. Start by asking your doctor about changing your dosing schedule or otherwise simplifying your regimen. Perhaps your doctor has other suggestions to improve your sleep. Then set a goal of taking your medication exactly as prescribed for two weeks. Make it your next goal to stick to the schedule for two more weeks, then for four weeks, and so on.

You don't do your exercises. Your doctor says a simple set of daily exercises will help your back pain. You're embarrassed to admit it, but you've never been able to complete the exercises without getting short of breath. Rather than burdening yourself with guilt, come clean with your doctor. Although it might take a while to notice improvement, exercises for back pain should not leave you breathless. If they do, your doctor can help you find out why and take care of the problem.
Break harmful patterns

Many other habits and thought patterns can contribute to a constant struggle with pain. To become informed about your condition, for example, you may spend hours monitoring pain-related publications and Internet newsgroups. This may keep you focused on what's wrong — when you could be finding ways to build on all the things that are still right.

Other harmful patterns may include:

Avoiding normal activities
Sleeping irregularly, such as napping in the evening and staying awake most of the night
Eating unhealthy foods
Ignoring signs of depression or other mental health conditions
Using pain medication to treat other problems, such as stress or frustration
Focusing on blame, litigation or other negative thoughts
Engaging in unhealthy relationships that prevent rehabilitation
Smoking
Drinking alcohol
Using recreational drugs
What next? You guessed it. Set reasonable, attainable goals to fight each harmful pattern. One by one, reaching each goal can give you power over chronic pain.

Take back your life
You don't deserve chronic pain, but it's there. You can let the pain disrupt your career and damage your relationships. Or you can learn new ways to keep the pain in check so that you can enjoy a full life.

Changing established behavior patterns isn't easy. No habit yields to will without a struggle. But your persistence can help you gain control. Look to friends, loved ones and your doctor for support while you put chronic pain in its place.


RELATED
Chronic pain: How one woman found relief
MayoClinic.com Bookstore
'Mayo Clinic on Chronic Pain,' Second Edition (Softcover)

Hi Hope,
I just was wondering if you have looked at some of this from the nutritional/vitamin point of view?

If you aren't eating well - as well as the extra pain and stress - they do deplete the body resources from a nutritional standpoint.

I used to know all of this stuff to recommend to you - but now I'd like to suggest you visit our Vitamin and Supplements forum and give it a try.
there are drug /interaction checker links in the useful sites too.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=49

hi hope--
Just wanted to offer my support, and say that I have been there too. I am in a much better place now. But I have come to the realization that my happiness is my responsibility. NO ONE can do it for you. It has to come from within. You have to realize on your own that in spite of your circumstances, you can give yourself a gift. The gift of living the healthiest, happiest life possible. You are ultimately in control of your own happiness. Yes, things others do and say can influence this state, but you and only you are in control of your emotions. Meds and counseling can help. But you have to take the first step yourself-do it for you. Don't let them win. I'm fighting it myself, everyday. And if I can do it. you can do it. I believe in you.

Peace, and love,
-Cgirl-

Hi,
Thanks to everyone for such thoughtful responses.
Idealist, we do sound similar. I'm sorry to hear about your injured friend but sounds like it was a big help to have him around.
I had psychiatric and psychological treatment for 2 years but due to non-payment by work comp, they could no longer see me. It was just as well. They talked a lot about themselves. One even asked me to pray for him and his sons. He said I was one in a million, no one in 5 million. I knew what he meant. I was a chronic pain patient who wasn't depressed, but he never wrote that because he wanted to get paid...and believed every chronic pain patient is in need of councel. They changed my appointments from every 2 wks to every month, then every 6 weeks.
Julie,
I tried zoloft but had to d/c because of side effects.
My psych meds for the past year are trazodone and welbtrin.
I wrote before that I might try to wean...well that didn't go well. It lasted 4-5 days.
I cut the trazodone in 1/2 and then welbutrin down to once/day. I am now in the middle of
being so irritable I can't stand to be around myself. I've alienated a few good friends. I'm back on my meds now but more sure than ever my depression shows up as being irritable.
My husband has been so understanding and listens to me so well. Not judgemental.
The reason I didn't eat had to do with the pain putting the spoon to my mouth. Once at a friends house for dinner, she had to feed me. Once I went out to lunch with a friend and she had to feed me. My arms wouldn't move, let alone the pain I would have felt if I did move them.
I'm now trying to walk around the house for as long as I can. I sit outside in the warm sun and read.
Ada,
Yes I got the PM. I have your email so I answered you, but don't know if you got it.
Your illnesses are a full time job. I'm sorry for the ongoing pain of losing Bill. I know I'll be
that way too as I was faced with that 2 years ago.
Your story of fighting SS was so unnecessary. Couldn't they put the pieces of the puzzle together? You have so many things wrong you can't catch up enough to even have surgery
when you need it. I got mine easily, no going to court.
Your PCP is a keeper. So is my pain mgmt doctor.
I have no family around (I have my husband and you have your daughter and 2 grandsons).
You sure have a large family of step children!
If I had one thing to be depressed about it is not being able to see my grandchildren. Now that brings me to tears everytime I think of it. They are growing up across the country and I see
them 5-6 days a year. We talk on the phone a little, I send care packages to them.
I want to thank you for telling me about writing to the gov, senators, pres, and vice-pres.
I'll never know for sure, but a week after emailing the gov, I got a resonse to send my letter to him. I enclosed some pictures of my arm and they were not pretty. They looked sickening with purple colors and shiney skin with open wounds. 3 months after my letter to the governor I got
a letter that it was sent to the Dept of Industrial Relations. Two wks after that I got 3 checks for
my travel expenses from work comp for year 2002 - 2006. No change in my emotions, I still felt numb. Then a week later I got a drug coverage card. I have 3 pharmacies who turned me away since 2002. I owe one pharmacy over $100,000 and the other two are not too far behind. I'm on
my fourth and now W.Comp decided to pay. The only way you can tell something is wrong with me is I hold my arms against my chest and don't move my hands except for the tremors. Visually they are gross, atrophied, dried up thin skin and blue. Also I limp from weak leg muscles the feeling of walking on red hot coals.
I am one of those people who can't get medical care. It's been denied for 4.5 years, but now we
seem to be having a breakthrough. There is so many thousands of dollars on liens. These people must really trust my doctor to allow this to go on and believe I will win in the end.
Like you I never give up. With the care my doctor has ordered, and at least a few PT sessions, pool therapy I can do on my own, once the pain is controlled l know I can improve and get the elbow contractions to release.
Hi Di,
"Control you TOS before it controls you.The less pain you have the easier to do that. The more pain the larger the loss of control." That is why the doctor ordered the intrathecal morphine pump 2 years ago, He knows & tells me that when I get that and better pain control I will be able to do therapy and greatly imporved. I'm sure I'll return to driving.
I've been running on soul power and faith for a long time. I've always believed I will get a lot better once I'm allowed treatment. I've had to forgive work comp, the judge, my lawyer, the WComp doctors who didn't tell the truth and wrote false reports.
I have friends who take me to Bible study one morning a week and occasional conferences. I try to avoid crowds that may bump into me. I'm going to my 3rd movie in 5 years this week. They take such good care of my body and my mind. Cook meals, visit, take me to doctor appiontments. Best of all they don't give advice or orders to rest, eat, do this or do that. They don't treat me with pity like some do.
I will get my life back & that will be when I get pain control. When I don't have to wake up at night to turn over or wake my husband to change soaking wet sheets. I look forward to cooking my honey a special treat, to doing laundry and being able to hold my grandchildren. They are so afraid they will hurt me. I can't use my arms now, my doctor has said in his reports that I'm a functional quadraplegic. I do volunteer for projects at church. I have a voice recognition and am helping my pastor write a book, He wrote the best selling Purpose Driven Life so imagine how hard that is. It makes me feel useful. My kids give me projects I can do to help them. Research stuff. They are very supportive - long distance. When my daughter vacations, she and hubby come here and we go away for a week. It may only be 15 - 45 miles away, but it is a nice resort and they love to care for me doing whatever I'm not capable of. Soon I hope to find and get an approval for a good Psych doctor. That way I can take what will make me feel the best I can. Until then my doctor has ordered home health 5 days/week but it was denied.
You and Ada make me know how blessed I am - not physically - but so far I've lost my mom since this started. I was able to sit and sleep by her some of the time but wasn't able to be there when she died. I was a hospice nurse for 10 years. I have a lot of letters of appreciation from people and their families. I also did a lot of pain management for patients who were & were not terminal. Thanks for your input DiMarie. You and your family are in my prayers as is Ada and everyone on these forums.
Hi Jo,
That is an excellent point. I've always had an interest in and studied nutrition. Since I've been home from work I've take 90 CEU credits to keep up my RN license. 60 units/hours were on nutrition.
I got lab work in the mail today and I'm severely anemic. I am vegan and need to add meat to my diet. The black, etc beans did not do the job.. I have never cared for meat...but will now. I use whey protein drinks and take supplements recommended by my PCP who is into natural medicine. I talk to her nutritionist. She uses detox machines which I stopped due to no way to get there and they made no difference. Rec's "Perfect Food". Labs were perfect except all the red blood count stuff. I haven't been "ill" in years. No colds, never a flu.
Recent ear infection from impacted wax I didn't know I even had. The tumor thing is just another way to get me to go to another doctor. He didn't even do an xray.
Cgirl,
Thanks for the support. You are so right. No one can do it for me. They try and it annoys me. I'm an adult and even my psych was impressed with how I handle this. Once Psych IME said I was the worst pain patient he had seen in his 25 yrs of practice...a month later a Work Comp IME said there is nothing wrong with me mentally and I could return to work with all these restrictions and a different med that would never had been recommended if nothing was wrong with me - Cymbalta for burning nerve pain and depression. Thanks for believing in me and agreeing that it is my happiness is my responsibility as well as me being in control of my own happiness. I don't want others telling me how to run my life as if they know how I feel physically.
I better get out of here now. Wanted to express my thanks to you all.
Thanks, Hope