Hi,

For some reason unknown to me I ended up here today.
I am a chronic pain patient (17 years, but severe for the past 5).

I don't think I am depressed but 4 psych doctors say I am.
The medical doctors say that too.
They see it, I don't. I wonder why they would say that about me.
The doctors call it the PollyAnna Syndrome, a smiling depression
Maybe I do deny being depressed because I'm not in touch with
what I feel

An ear specialist told me my ear problems were too severe for her and referred me out to a
teaching institute that only "does ears" because I may have a tumor.
I was speachless - rather words in my head wouldn't come out of my
mouth and I couldn't even tell her I had no intention of going there.
I didn't say anything.
Two weeks later I called her to ask if I really had a tumor and she
wouldn't tell me because she said I had to go to this other place.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just numb. I don't have the energy to commit suicide.
I like the word numb because it describes how I have become.
I have no past trauma except this pain. Oh and the lying worker comp doctors. They have hurt me more than anyone in my life. I'm over that now.
They will have to face their maker one day. Even my own doctors have my records all screwed up with mistakes. That is how this started.

Then one psych said "she blames work and doctors for her problems." I don't blame work AT ALL but the doctors and WC who delayed my care and caused my pain to spread all over my body so I'll never work again, well, that hurts and it should because it took me permanently from a job I loved very much.

I have no desire to get out of bed, nor to eat (unless like Ada, it is something I can pick up quick).
I'm not really able to cook. My husband is home at night to cook for me.
He has to really encourage me to come out of my room to eat.
I feel so bad he sits alone all evening and most nights goes to bed alone.

I'm too disabled to drive or do housework or take a walk.
One psych told me to walk at least 15 minutes
every day to get the endorphins going, But it hurts too much to walk
and it is too much effort. And I am Type A personality.
My husband used to joke "do you EVER sit down?"

I have lots of friends who call me but I rarely pick up the phone to call anyone.
The only time I call friends is when I know they really need someone to talk to.
If someone calls me, we can talk for hours unless I let it go into voicemail.

I can make calls to help my husband, like call a plumber, but it may take 2 - 3 days.

A very good friend whol lives 6 hours away called and asked to come visit and even though I don't feel like company I said ok.
When she said 7 days I almost fell off my chair and said NO, 2 days only.
She wants to take me to the beach
movies, and all over. I don't want to go anywhere.
She's been hospitalized for depression so knows a lot about it
and says it is not good to stay alone so much.
I tell her, you try having pain all these years and see if you feel like
going out.
If I didn't need meds renewed I wouldn't even go to the doctor. I said no to a mammogram and bone density this year.

I'd rather sit very still without moving than get up to take my medications so that I CAN move.

There must be a word for this. I do have a desire to help people, even if it is just listening to them, when
THEY need someone to talk to, which is a lot of the time.
I don't have any problem being there for someone as long as I don't have to leave my house.
I used to do a lot more support on the forums than I do now.
You would never know this if you met me. I hide it without trying to. It is on auto pilot.

I don't think it is depression but I don't know what you would call it.
I'll probably regret submitting this because I've never shared it
with anyone

Wishing everyone a great week
Hope