I will look at that site you sent after I talk to you now. I can't begin to feel what you are feeling, but I am frightened for you. You can talk to me anytime you want, it isn't wining or compaining. It is a fact of your life. A human reaching out to a human is never bad, only good. Your wife needs to touch you. You need touch, the warmth of your wifes arms around you, no matter what your physical conditions are. I would rather die in my lovers arms, than alone and distant. Maybe you could whisper in her ear what you want. Ask, tell her, don't be silent. When people are sick that is the time in their lives they need someone the most. Often this happens though from what I read on the posts. People sometimes distance themselves as they themselves can''t cope with the situation or they are afraid, as your wife may be. Forgive me for being bold with this, but for sure, I know that touch is healing, any kind of touch! I hope that this can be restored to your life, as it will help you cope. I live with my best friend, a woman. We are not lovers, but I do have touch. We give back and foot rubs, and to tell you the truth it its wonderful! I get hugs and alot of comfort from this friendship. I am grateful for what I have. When I was in severe pain, she put her hands on me in the hospital for comfort, rubbed my legs when I was trembling from pain. this kind of comfort is essential in my opinion to help you heal. Part of my own family, abandoned me when I got sick. They removed themselves from my life. I know about being left alone too. It isn't good to be alone.
I do have an idea of the fear you have. I have pre-cancer in my throat. a lesion of some kind. My dad died of esophogal cancer, and he seizured from pain in my arms more than once. His death was terrible to witness, and he had hospice. He didn't get enough pain control in my estimation. so I am afraid of dying like that too. I have fear too, and I often don't know what to do to ease it. I came to this site before my big spinal fusion. C3-7, my second. I found friends here who do understand the emoional part of illness if not the actual physical part. Male or female, we all suffer in some way emotionally when we are sick. You dear fence, will be in my prayers. I can offer my friendship for sure. I will be here anytime you want to talk. This site has become a second family to me. I will go look at that site now, to better understand the physical things you face. I will be praying for you, yes I pray and alot! ginnie

I looked at the picture. I now know where your trouble areas are. It is also on the brain stem if I am looking at it correctly.
Oh Fence I don't know why this had to happen to you. I don't know why the hell it happens to any of us. I do have an odd way of looking at life and death however. I am into physics. We are composed of protons, which is energy. E=mc2 is famous as it says matter and energy is one. energy never dies, it transforms into something else. We are litterly composed of the matter that was generated at the big bang. It was not just scattered stuff spread around the universe, it was even and controlled. Organized if you will. The second law of thermodynamics says we go from a controlled state to disorganization basically as the universe developes. You never see a broken egg go back to being a whole egg. Everything breaks down and becomes something else. Especially energy. I don't believe we die. I guess I do believe in Jesus, but more, science is showing me just how organized nature really is. The more complexites I understand, the more I believe we are destined to be more than what we are down here. Maybe this is kindergarden, and when we die we go to college and finally understand things. Most certainly none of us really understands our own conciousness. Why are we here at all? And why do I even think about these things? Why do we have this ability to have it just go poof out of existance? I think there is more to it than what humans are able to comprehend. I don't know why we have all this suffering, why it has to be this way. Suffering has been going on since the beginning of our existance. I don't think it is a test, but rather the breaking down of the energy we are composed of, there to be transformed when we pass on. I never told anyone what I believe before. It is oK too if you think I am nuts. I just believe we are more, than what meets the eye, or our brains. I so hope that you get to live, and go on in life more. I hate this hanging over your head, or in your head, and I hate my throat, and the breaking down of my own body. I have 4 auto-immune diseases. I read to escape, and have turned toward learning as a way to cope, and maybe then I won't be so afraid of my own death. Well I now blew it, and all my friends will know what I think now, but thats OK too. Sometimes by showing our real selves, you get closer to the truth about human existance. This family on this site is another way to cope with all the medical and emotional problems we all have. I care about you fence, and I wish your artery would heal and not hurt you. I am glad you got the care you did, and that you are here to tell your experiences. I hope I can give you just a little comfort. Be at peace over the holidays. You will be in my prayers. ginnie

I know what you mean about being a knowledge person. I read my surgeon's book on aneuyrsms and went to the medical library and pulled some of his surgical texts. I have also researched my meds. I was a microbiology with a minor in physics for my undergrad. You should appreciate the signature line I used to use:
ØE•dA=Σq ØB•ds=µo∫j•dA moeo d/dt ∫E•dA ØE • ds=-d/dt ∫B•dA ØB•dA=0 And then there was light
I also used to have a T-shirt with that legend. Now I have one that says "Fencing, because it's fun to stab your friends."

Maybe I know too much and understand what's happening. I chalk it up to "bad plumbing" and blame my mother. (her father and brother died from cerebral bleeds)
I was the General Counsel and Board Secretary to a company here before this happened and they put me on disability and termed me. I have always been such a high acheiver and now I feel that I am excess baggage and "that guy" living off the system.

People keep telling me that being in the shape I am is better than the alternative. How do they know?

Have a good weekend

You know physics way better than I do. Did I get some of it right from my reading? I never took physics in college, but have many books on the subject, the latest Called " Knocking On Heavens Door" by Lisa Randall. I learned about Peter Higgs, and the Higgs boson, and what they are doing with CERN. This all is way out of my league, but I am trying in my older age, to pick up as much as humanly possible. Did I get it right with what I learned and told you? I am also reading about other dementions, and string theory. Lately there has been talk that all the math worked out. So much is above me, including all the various forms of the double slit experiment. I thought there was only one way to do the experiment, WRONG! Spooky physics is real.
This desire to learn was strictly out of a need to understand why things are the way they are. I was a history major in college, An Art Minor. I wound up as an artist and worked under a magnafier to create miniatures. Animals very tiny. That is how I blew out my spine, looking down for 30 years. I reversed the curve of my spine. I did well enough to have my own business and traveled all over the country and taught Art at a National level. My last piece is in a miniature museum in Kentucky. All that was taken from me when my spine gave way. I know what it is like to loose your position and what you were. I will never get over that loss. I don't think eithor of us can go back to be what we were. You had a high level position. What company was it? You lost your "self" just like I did, when what you did was taken from you. Evidently you don't think I am nuts from liking physics, I do want to know if I am on the right track. I never mentioned this to anybody before. I feel funny telling a physics educated person, how very little I really know. ginnie

I just did quite a bit of research on the fusiform aneurysm, what it looks like real life and through pictures. I guess this can happen anywhere in the body that has an artery. It showed one that had a tear on the side. Can your doctors watch you more carefully than they currently are? The site I went to showed all the different aneurysms also. I understand even more now. When mayo clinic first disagnosed me I took a listening course in microbiology and entered a trial study at Columbia University Medical Center. I had access to the med. research library, and I too did research on what my problem was. Lots of research. I was in a trial for ten years. Had a topical autoimmunosupressant treatment, a topical chemotherapy. It was called DNCB some rather nasty stuff. Can't remember how to spell it. The treatment worked while I was in the program, but as soon as I discontinued the chemo, the condition came back, along with three other immune system disfunction problems. I tried to understand what was happening to me too. I unfortunately like you, understand a bit too much. ginnie

You have so much about which to be concerned yourself, thank you for letting me drag you into my pool of despair.

You certainly don't need to be concerned about a stranger. As I told my neurologist one time when he looked ragged at an appointment (He was called in at 3 in the morning and ultimately had to pronounce the patient) I said one of us has to be concerned about your health, and I guess it's me." So make sure you take care of yourself.

I have a good friend and theologian, also an attorney, who sent me the story of Habakkuk. It fit, so I sometimes refer to myself that way.

The books I read were "the Brain Aneurysm" by Robert Spetzler and "aneurysms and other vascular malformalities" by Eric Nussbaum. They are good quick reads to make you more paranoid. Spetzler is the guy who had his hands in my head in Phoenix. The first day in recovery from my craniotomy I had a seizure. Geeze what a mess.

Take care of yourself. I will keep cursing the darkness. How did you like Maxwell's equation?

I am glad to listen to you. Since it is Christmas eve, Merry Christmas, no matter what religion you are...
People need people. I believe that.
I have also seen Maxwell's equasion before, in one of the books I have. I do not know any of the symbols, or math, but I know about him. He is in all the physics books I have read.
I will also try to find the story of Habakkuk.
Your Dr.s Book you read, Dr. Spetzlers book, you did have the best in your head didn't you....He had your soul in his hands. Take care too. ginnie

Not knowing what you celebrate "right back at you." I specifically told Dr. Spetzler before I went under that I wasn't going home in a box.

Best to you and yours. Hmm maybe a speacial holiday whine?

Today for me is a holy day. I don't get real caught up in all the material stuff going on to celebrate. Most Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus, and I do too. I know he existed, but I am not sure of any of the religious texts concerning him, as they were written by men. I have read the Dead Sea Scrolls, and as much information of the developement of religion as I can. I was raised Catholic, but wandered away from that many years ago. Too corrupt in the inner workings for me to stay with that church system. In fact I don't go to church at all. I keep faith inside, and I try to be a good person to others. For the most part, I just believe there is someone else that is at the helm that created order.
I hope the darkness does not swallow you up today, that there can be a moment of peace. I guess Christmas is a wish for peace for all of us. ginnie

Hello on this afternoon. I am beat from Christmas and have not had any energy today at all. I hope you are doing OK. Today on New posts there is a young woman on there who has just been diagnosed with an aneurysm. She is freaking and I know you understand about that. Is there any way you would tap to her and at least let her know about the facility and Dr. Spetzler. At least she would have a lead incase locally a proceedure isn't possible.
After reading about these things, I know she needs help.
I did some clean up today, getting rid of the clutter that grew since thanksgiving. the house at least is back to normal. I am thinking of you too. ginnie