I just got up from a 4.5 hour nap. It seems the only thing I want to do lately is sleep. Not because I am tired, but because it makes the day pass.

In the last 5 years I have had 2 brain surgeries, 3 strokes and 4 seizures. I was put on disability and lost my job as a corporate counsel. I do volunteer work all over the place, but that doesn't work. I am so sad al the time, worried about money, that my wife will get fed up with me, see me as a burden etc...I just want it to be like it was before.

I still have not been willing to accept the "new" me and hate my limitations. Drs, friends and family all say to not concentrate on what I can't do, but what I can do. It's pretty hard to put the negative behind me when I am constantly reminded of what I can't do. Trying to stand up, walking, carry junk, trying to go through a buffet line when I have to use a cane for the short distance I can walk. If I were to give my life a review I would check me not meeting expectations. Well just crap.

Bless your heart. It IS frustrating & depressing when we have conditions that limit our abilities. I'm disabled too due to severe spinal problems, and there are lots of things I just cannot do anymore.

It took me awhile to "accept" that I just wasn't the same as I used to be. BUT I'm grateful for the things that I can still do!! I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do them, but I'm not going to worry about it. That's just a waste of my time, cause it doesn't change anything. LOL

You've been thru ALOT -- and I'm amazed at what you CAN do after having 2 brain surgeries & 3 strokes!!! I'd say you were a medical miracle!!! I'm sure your wife loves you just as much as she did before all this happened. Try to stop worrying about the future -- we aren't even PROMISED a future! LOL All we have is today -- so try to live it like there's no tomorrow. Easier said than done, I know -- but give it a try.

And remember that you're NOT alone. There are people "out here" who know what you're going thru. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

I sure do understand how you feel. Nobody that has to be retired due to injury or disease feels good about it. It is depressing not to be what you were. I had a 30 year self made business, and my spinal fusions put a stop to all of it. I still fight depression as do many. I also have trouble walking, live almost on the beach, and cannot go down to the beach often because it hurts my ankles. So many of us are limited physically and it does effect all daily life. When I feel blue, and that things are too much to handle I seek escape. I go for the quiet, and dive into a book which takes me away from my current tearful disposition. I stop crying and adventure into someother location in my mind. I also depend on a few good friends to get me through the ruffer times and proceedures I don't want. I run back to this site for encouragement and compassion often. Talk to your family, let them know what is in your heart. Seek the compassion from those nearest you, ask for their help. Your wife won't see you as any different than the good person she married if there is love there. Take one day at a time, and maybe even tell the doctor how you feel. Please be good to yourself. I wish there were some magic thing to make it all go away for all of us who have limits now in our lives. I care about you, and hope that you can find fulfilment in your life. ginnie

I see you guys as the heroes. I wheelchair fence now. I can walk a bit but if I try to fence on my feet I fall right over. I look at these guys with traumatic spinal injuries or birth defects in wonder. I've only had a couple of brain surgeries.

I compete at the national and international level. But I see no ROI on me.

I used to operate at such a high level and now I see myself as a burden. The "lump in the bed" as I refer to myself in the hospital.

Am I scared? He!! yes. I am afraid that even with my CPAP on I am not going to wake up. I have such a big pity party it makes the Khardashian wedding look like a Vegas wedding chapel.I was the General Counsel and Board Secretary to a company and they cut me. That's another posting to be sure.

I am just starting with a local hospital in a mentor program they are developing for stroke survivors. We work with "fresh" stroke survivors who are just headed into rehab to let them know what they are facing. As cliche as it sounds, unless you have lived through one, there is no way you understand it. I am hoping it is good for me too. It's funny, I feel better after I spend a day with "my people."
People say concentrate on what you can do. The problem is that what I can't do keeps throwing itself in my face. Buffet lines, not being able to stand for more than a couple minutes. I don't know, I'm rambling. What's weird is that I recognize it but don't stop doing it.

now I know where you got your name. How cool that you wheelchair fence. That is such a graceful and challenging sport. How did you start up with that? Did you fence before your surgeries?
My good friend and neighbor, also had something like you do. He first had brain cancer, and surgery, that was followed by a brain bleed and a kind of stoke, then more surgery. I know what you are going through in this way. He was that lump in the bed at the hospital for three months. Some times you can't help but have a pity party. It is hard when you arn't the person you were before. My friend struggles the same way you do, with depression, and being that lump, while his wife goes to work. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. So glad you have some meaning in your life with such a cool sport. come back here anytime, I would love to hear more about where you compete. I am an avid sports fan, watch olympics when they are on, day in and day out. Have a good holiday, I hope there is some joy in it for you. ginnie

I played division 1 basketball in college and then tore my ACL twice in three years playing in a Veterans league. So I needed a sport that went back and forth instead of side to side. Or as I told my wife, "Another sport over which I can obsess." I fenced for about 8 years AB (my icon picture is me at Nationals) and when all this crap started I moved to chair. I hate to say it, but I'm better in chair.

It's so hard to watch college basketball knowing I used to do that. But I digress. It kills me to see my son-in-law, daughter, wife go off to work and I have been relegated to a cleaning dirge. This stuff is really the only interaction I get. I have some fencing friends but they work during the day. I just sleep to make the day pass. I am afraid of my choo choo chugging around the bend. Oh, I should mention I have super aneurysms. Despite being stented and clipped they are still growing. So I still have an exploding head. It may go off in 10 minutes, 10 years, or never. I am slowly losing the ability to stand for extended periods, bend, reach for something over my head.

Is a super aneurysmn a bleed in the brain? Is this what you have a shunt in for? My friend bob is also afraid his mental state is deteriorating from his ordeal. He has to go for PT and writes many things down so he does not forget. this has been a problem for him too. Are the doctors telling you this aneurysmn can turn bad and explode? ginnie

Well, let me try to explain my situation. The first aneurysm is in the basilar artery, one of the main feeds to the brain. If you put your finger in your mouth and just angle up a smidge you are pointing at the trouble site. I had developed the worst of the aneurysm family in one of the hardest to reach places. I had a fusiform aneurysm; if you imagine a balloon blowing up and the sides expanding instead of the little bubble others can be. It had a slight tear so there was a bleed out into the brain causing the stroke.

On my follow up angiogram they said not only was it increasing but I had grown a new one on the basilar tip by the Circle of Willis. So craniotomy, bypass, and clip the new one. The clip has shifted, the bypass is occluded. I think there might have been another bleed or it just sparked the reaction to cause more strokes. The last one was in the pons region affecting motor skills. Then throw in the start of having seizures. (boy am I fun at parties.)

By super aneurysms I just mean they seem to fight whatever is done to make them stop growing. SO my head is a time bomb that may or may not blow. (eww, messy). A rupture of either one could cause all sorts of issues up to and/or death. I tell colleagues that I have an exploding head so don’t **** me off because I’m not afraid to use it. I just want to be like I was before. Even more insufferable if you can believe it.

I am getting this terrible picture from you. Yes my neighbor had similar, and had almost died when one big one ruptured in his brain. He is actually not doing so well and looks frail most of the time.
I am beginning to understand some of the frustration and down right fear you must feel. To know that is there and possibly getting worse would not sit well with anyone. I wish you could go back to what you were too. I truely am sorry that this horror has been put in your life. Can they not do anything more to keep an eye so to speak of the places that are in danger? You mentioned it being in a location that is real hard to get to. Was your first surgery that difficult to reach? Even if it is hard to reach, can't they send you to the best in the country?
Do you have the support of your family? Nobody should have to go it alone or not supported when you are in this much danger. That other post is probably right that you shouldn't be too active. I know that isn't what you want to hear eithor. There is nothing worse than wanting to be active and being stuck sitting. I am 127 steps from the beach, I can't go anymore because I can't walk well. My situation definately isn't near as grave as yours is even with my fusion at C3-7. That took away most of my activities for good. My ankles and feet broke down, there are not ankle replacement surgeries available like a knee replacement, so I am looking at a wheelchair soon too.
I have no idea how to comfort you. I feel very helpless hearing of this anevrysm that has brought hell into your life. Do the doctors give you hope of having a normal life span? I don't want this to take your life. I wish I had the words that would ease your heart. You don't sound like you are very old at all. My neighbor bob is 55. He got the brain cancer 10 years ago before the brain bleed. His prognosis is what they call guarded. Please write if you care to fence. I am here, anytime you want to talk. I have come to love the people I have met on this site, for the compassion they have shown me. I truely wish there was something I could do for you, that there would be a way out of the situation you are in. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there to be peace in your life. ginnie

This will make it a bit easier. go to http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/c...lar_artery.jpg follow the line to the basilar artery. That is the first problem. The look up on it a little to the area that forms a cirle. That is the second trouble area.

Fortunately I've had the best care you could have. I was air lifted and had my surgeries in Phoenix at the Barrow Neurolgical Center. My surgeons were tops in the world. That's why I'm still here to type this. The surgeries were a success, but I'm not the person I want to be.

My wife hasn't touched me in 5 years. I think she is afraid something will happen. I asked my doctors if there wasn't some sort of medical duct tape to use. Nope. I think it is a control thing as well. Why is this happening to me? What happens happens. I want some sort of knowledge about what's going on. Is it going to pop or not? I can't stand this and unfortunately, as cliche as it sounds, my wife and Doctors can't know what it feels like and so from some I get, "you look healthy(no third eye etc) so you must be OK."

Thanks for listening to my whine.