Another day without fencing. What the heck is wrong with me? Other than being 60 pounds overweight, every joint hurting, constant headache, this claw hand, a new Achilles injury I’m fine.

What is wrong with me? I’m tired of being a lab rat. I’ve been scanned enough times that I’m surprised that I don’t glow in the dark. The latest scans show all kinds of stenosis, pinch points and other fun stuff in my spine. I think I have enough complaints to buy the condo in Boca now.

Part of the problem is that my family doesn’t “get” it. As cliché as it seems, unless you’ve had a stroke you really have no idea how hard it is to come back. I am losing my mind and am completely at the end of my rope.

I was told to find something I like so I choose one of the most expensive sports there is and where can I do it? Tournaments are always on the other side of the country. So don’t fence in tournaments you say? I have been so competitive all my life you might as well tell me not to breathe.

I have not accomplished ½ the junk I wanted in my life and now I’ve had the ability to do so taken away from me. I was my job and it was me. I still can’t my employer said all kinds of things about me and never had to prove any of it up. My trips out of the house are 90% Dr. appointments. Fun.

I’ reaching the point where all I want to do is sit in my recliner. I’m becoming “that guy” that I was afraid of becoming. I’m already cut out of conversations. It’s like I’m not here. But of course if I left the family would lose maid service. I’m developing a hair trigger temper with the twins. But at 6 years old they’re reaching that stage.

Don’t think about what you can’t do any more, if you don’t like what you’re doing find something else. Gee, why didn’t I think of that? I’m getting no support in what I’m doing so why should I do it? If I stopped fencing tomorrow my wife wouldn’t blink an eye. I am so lost I don’t know what to do. I was seeing someone (they recommend I see a neuropsych due to my brain injury) He is impossible to get appointments. Either his schedule doesn’t match or he cancels and you can get an appointment unless you book a month or two in advance. I’m seeing someone new in a week.

I’m just tired of always hurting and not wanting to do anything. Period.