i don't want to feel anymore

DejaVu · 09-06-2015, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eva5667faliure

dear friend
all you write i believe in myself
it might be difficult to see that
oh how i understand
i AM powerless
and having to turn it over
i do so many times in the day
soon the baby will be able to recite
the serenity prayer
for she hears me say it so many times in my day
the truth is
after my prayer i will thank the Father
and then thank the Son
and then i'll hear her say somewhere in the house
"don't forget Mother Mary"

as my morning started with pain an nausea
quickly i take my first set of meds
and lay on my left side
till they begin to take affect
i have it all to turn over as i cannot do for myself
i have a heavy heart
my children have their own path to follow
and pray their hearts a receptive to our Lord
Jesus Christ
may the Father use me to his liking
it is this gut feeling of doom i must work on
everyday
my friend
i have never
Never experienced a break down
may i have already
i just don't know
i watched a documentary on Mother Theresa
and her personal experiences
and wrote about her feelings
in awe at her loneliness
"to love you must experience pain"
i will pray for my children
as it is all i can do
and then the phone calls
when they are in whatever painful situation
they call mom
to see if i could help
it could be anything
they will call me and
ask for my help
in whatever form needed
sometimes to just listen

i am in a hard core depressive state
trying so hard to not get in the state where i
want to isolate
i ask in Jesus name amen
my recovery program
and my belief in the fellowship
is strong an healthy
and continue to reach out
love
me

Dear Eva,

I can easily see the depth of your Love and your commitment.
I can also clearly see your spiritual devotion.

Your heart is huge.
Your strength and courage truly immense.

My heart aches for you and your family, often.
I am very guilty of wanting to see you catch a much deserved break, a reprieve full of Comfort, Peace and Joy.

As I've written in another thread (S.O.S. thread), I have so very much to learn from you.

I am grateful.

Enjoy the afternoon at the pool, Sweet Eva.

DejaVu

EnglishDave · 09-06-2015, 05:22 PM

Dear Eva,

Never isolate yourself, it is what the Darkness wants. There, it can gnaw at our Soul and our Spirit - our very Beliefs.

Here, in our warm Community, there are uplifting Bonds of Friendship and Family - ties formed across the Ether.

You, above all others, have taught this introverted Englishman to Share for the first time - and become a better person for it.

We all rely on each other.

Dave.

eva5667faliure · 09-06-2015, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

Dear Eva,

Never isolate yourself, it is what the Darkness wants. There, it can gnaw at our Soul and our Spirit - our very Beliefs.

Here, in our warm Community, there are uplifting Bonds of Friendship and Family - ties formed across the Ether.

You, above all others, have taught this introverted Englishman to Share for the first time - and become a better person for it.

We all rely on each other.

Dave.

Dave
Thank you for that
Connecting
As
One
Love
Me

ger715 · 09-06-2015, 07:15 PM

Dave put it so well.....that is what the darkness wants. We also know this to be from the "evil one".

You are strong; you will not let him have you. You are a child of God.

Gerry

eva5667faliure · 09-13-2015, 02:18 PM

such deep dark pain
i no long can describe
burning awake tearing me apart
in my core
lays evil

the tears that come come from
hell
no way can this feeling emanate from God
this is not a welcome feeling

grows in size never
ever worried how much of me it takes
weird to talk about something
that is going on with me
and only i have control of me
and i haven't had the strength
to fight it off
at that point
submitting to it and
just cry for a an hour
and am floored at how many tears i cry
enough to be dehydrated
this i'm sure of
the intense pain of sorrow
as they just flow
where is it all coming from
why can't i be happy
i am responsible for my own happiness
it is not anybody who has me in this state
it be what i allowed and the rest ready to follow
and the end results are always
i don't want to go on anymore
how does one move forward when
the company that comes to visit
and finds a solid place in my being
this is my struggle
it is my daily struggle
and it is not letting up
why can't happiness be a feeling that
that comes in many forms
it is something nobody can do
but myself
for myself
a fix myself

i don't want to hurt
i really don't
take me out

love
me

EnglishDave · 09-13-2015, 05:17 PM

Dear Eva,

I understand.

The pain and numbness in my arm and hand has robbed me of the ability to interact here.

I am lost, the Darkness is Total.

Dave.

ger715 · 09-13-2015, 08:45 PM

The darkness is always beaconing; especially when we are at our lowest most vulnerable times. Even the desire to pray is difficult. Fear of what lays ahead can add to the darkness.

I am reminded of a time when I was asked to write something down:
It went as follows:

NO GOD
KNOW FEAR

NO FEAR
KNOW GOD

I was inspired to mention this.

Gerry

EnglishDave · 09-17-2015, 04:03 PM

Dear Eva,

How are you holding up?

Dave.

eva5667faliure · 09-17-2015, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

Dear Eva,

How are you holding up?

Dave.

my dear friend
holding
just holding
i am here as it is very
difficult
just to hold
is difficult
so much

i hope your doing better then your norm
if it isn't one thing it's another
searching for the strength

i know you understand
i know you get it
i am so isolated
maybe next week if i am up to it
i will visit an old time friend
i spoke of him in the past
lives down the block from me
known him since grammar school
a place to chill
but not this weekend
maybe next

anyhow
depression through the roof
off the charts
what else
you get it
love you
me

ger715 · 09-17-2015, 10:25 PM

Hopefully you will get to visit with your friend. It would be good if you feel up to going. A nice change of scenery and someone to revisit some old memories. Maybe even a laugh or two.

Love, & Prayers,

Gerry

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