Dear eva,

Do not let them overly stress you, I know the unresolved issue will do that itself. Keep badgering your Doctor until you get the right treatments.

Dave.

thanks dear friend

a concern that i await the promise to contact me as soo as he receives it
has me call three days
cathy at the hospital tells me when she sent it over to the office
i'm just lied to and i can't stand that
calls my daughter who is back up
never called me
i'm tired of the lies
that's all
let me not complain
i might go off and then
they'll say what's wrong with her
sick of it today
love
me

my mental state very fragile
i am on the fence kind of feeling
and either which way i should fall will hurt
so i'm not sure what to do
i won't do anything at all
i have to keep my crap together
i am so afraid to write what i deeply feel
and it does not feel good
unknown pains
no answers
nothing clear
just not feeling better in any way
under my right arm
feels bruised inside
it's the bag that i let be done to me
i should have gone with my gut and not have anything
such as the balloons in my chest
the pain is from a plastic bag
what was i thinking
now there is just so many things
i sometimes don't know if i am coming or going
i don't know what to say other than
it is scary
i don't like the feeling
it is something i have to be conscious of
as it manifests physically like now
in my gut
and just spreads
anybody
anybody
please
am i alone in this
don't know
just don't get how strong it can become
fighting it
me

Dear eva,

Please know that you are NEVER alone throughout any worries or problems.

I know you have problems with some Drs, but is there not one who you can approach to get checked out. My Mum used to have her implant checked regularly after so many years.

Thinking of, and praying for you.

Dave.

"and it does not feel good
unknown pains
no answers
nothing clear
just not feeling better in any way
under my right arm
feels bruised inside
it's the bag that i let be done to me
i should have gone with my gut and not have anything
such as the balloons in my chest
the pain is from a plastic bag"

Dear Eva,
I pray for you often.
So sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

Have you spoken to your oncologist or surgeon about the pain you are experiencing from your implant?

At a breast cancer support group I sometimes attend, a woman who feels as you do, that she, perhaps, should not have done implants after her breast cancer surgery, had hers removed because she was feeling so uncomfortable. She said she feels better physically but even more important, emotionally.

I know you have many health issues and it is hard to find the time or emotional stamina to research but there is a site called www.breastcancer.org where you can research people's questions and answers, just like this site. You can also join and post your own questions.

There is also the Susan Komen site that is very helpful
http://ww5.komen.org/

Eva, I had breast cancer too and use a prosthesis. I generally wear loose clothing or vests and almost never use the prosthesis unless I have to get dressed up( which is RARE) or wear a sweater. It really is not a bad option.

Please PM me if you want to talk about any other details.
I feel so bad you are suffering.
Take care, my friend,
Diandra

thank you my dear friends

yes my oncologist is the one who ordered the
sonogram of the remaining tissue for my annual check up
i will still get annual check ups

when checking me the radiologist came in and assured all was well
that it was the implant causing the pain

and when i had my last surgery
that being the bags going in
this surgery botched also
my left one has formed a "double bubble"
it needs surgery to fix it

here is the darn thing
as i was getting ready to have the job done
i told the surgeon this will be the last time i go under willingly
i will never have surgery again

i used the pain unnecessary but there
it is all the independent things going on at once
it tooooo much like today
the weather stinks
rain and snow
i'm just crippled with the pains

my doctors are becoming complacent
it all just be a routine day for them
i hope either one of them will pursue why
my veins are swelling in my hands and feet
to the point they burst and then the bruising
no answers
15 pages of read of results
all is great
yet what is causing it
you know what i mean
my example may have been poor
it all was horribly done
me

Every time I stir to wake each day
Before my eye even open
Conscious of the pain of depression wants so hard to take over my body
I keep fighting the feeling after some meditation prayer
Pray that my family not have a rough day
Haven't heard from my eldest when I disclosed what happened
She is reacting in a very strange manner
As a product of the same makeup what I mean here is
"It hasn't escaped the difficulties we all suffer from"
It did not sit well with her that her brother was the one my adult child in a rehab now telling her what the choice of dirt was this time and both agree their eldest sister wouldn't understand
And the next thing she needed to get off the phone and speak to her untrusting (just my assements) her life her business
But the family in crises must all be on the same page
So now I have my eldest going through I don't know what
It was this she just did not like
"She changed, she wouldn't understand"
Is it this
Is it me brining it to her attention after speaking to her
about it and that I am not involved in the interactions my children have with each other but am in awe they in the end find their way back together
Something must be going on between them for her to react as she is
This just makes it a little harder to get us together
and have a dining room table sit down
A mothers job never ends
This too is making me sad
I will wait to hear from her
Until then
My other child will be on her way home
Wednesday after a week in there
It is not taken as seriously as I would have had enough experience
What really matters is that she make it work

Anyhow
No word other then he is doing better
Will be seeing his cardiologist

And I will fight this feeling
And hope for a good day

Peace to my friends
Me

It sickens me to no end the amount of time I need to brush off depression that would like to take over my body
Fighting what i already possess just runs thin when a body just hurts so badly
Depression in what form today
To say there is only one way of being depressed
Is like saying a zebra has purple stripes
You get what i mean
It is a bunch of stuff
And having to sort it out is a pain in the butt
I just want to be pliable
As the weather get warmer
I found a walking partner
I will give it a try as soon as the weather gets better
We will join the town pool
You read right
We are charged to use the town pool
But it's what my body wants
And I'm going to give it to save what little still works
I'm so frightened of not knowing
Yet only I feel what's going on
Me

Such sadness
Utter sadness
How can one harbor such sadness on such a grand scale
I never know where to start
I just do do do
And forget about me
What and when will it be me me me
Everyone living life on life's terms
But this monkey ony back is killing it for me
The burden I give to You Father
I cannot anymore
And the more I say that
The more I do
Where is the relief
Where is the help
Where is the compassion
What is wrong with everyone
Just because I do does not mean I can
without mention
Oh once again
Invisible disease
Nobody sees you kind of thing
When someone want to give me a hug
I just cringe
This is me
I do not have the strength to hold my head upright
without it feeling like it were on a toothpick
A compromised toothpick
Get it
I need to lay it down
And being in bed until the medicines take over some of my pain do I can do what I want to without thought I cannot look up at one for to long it begins to hurt
Everything just hurts
Time to go to a pulmonary doctor
And cardiologist
Hands and feet still the same
Hardware becoming uncomfortable upon swallowing
Don't know what's going on with the thyroglossal duct cyst in my pivotal site of surgery level 5/6-6/7 was where plate screws and cage are
My cyst was active and could have been removed when having first surgery
It has been growing over the years and am wondering is this why I am not able to wear my soft collars
I miss them so much
Some very small things such as this bothers me when a doctor just pushes aside what is there a growing cyst
That was explained to be cancer causing
It happened during my time in my mothers womb
First trimester
Refers to some as a second set of tonsils
Point
S o m e t h i n g I s G o i n g O n
Now what is it
Please it is not in my kind
You can visually watch it happen
From the start and that be piercing pain then the rest is history including Video of it happening
Part of this belongs in "blessings"
So why did I come here and ask to be reminded of my blessings
I forget with the pain overriding ALL
I FORGET
ALL
EVERY MORNING
A FIGHT ONLY YOU KNOW
FATHER
TO TELL YOU
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYMORE
IS ONLY UNDERSTOOD BY KNOWING MY HEART
I come to you many times in the day
Bless my family with better health
They have their own crosses to carry
Lift the pain so I can see my everyday blessings
Thank you for what you feed me today
Love
Me

Who the f gives a crap
Spoke to therapist
He too has is speechless
Speechless
He did not have any comforting things to tell me
I in turn asked him to please help me through this
It's been six years of therapy
I need his help
And I told him so
I also told him it is my granddaughter is the only one who get to enjoy a person who has much experience under my belt
Also raising to other children I watched
One was still in mommies belly his name is Zachary
The other child name is Gabriella
From birth to around ten for her and twelve for Zack
So for him to say Eva needs me
Eva gets the bet from this grown mature loving her like I never imagined possible
She loves me so much
And wants to please me in so many ways
And that is being praised rewarded for doing and asking to get the response she is hoping for
She asks questions like no other child
She truly is the one who gets the best out of this human
Did the same with my other children
But it is different
Anyone who has followed me would know what's important to me and to not be a unit or a chance of it is just something I have to stop reaching for
I'm killing myself
Truly killing myself trying to keep this small family together
I have to let it go
And for anyone who walks in my shoes understand how hard it is to do
It be like a death in the family
Mass suicide
Vicious
Just like my father
Vicious words back and forth between siblings
And it be my fault
Okay what fault are we talking about
I'm in the dark
Yet my shrink did say
What is left IS suffering
And no it isn't okay for my children to behave as they are
So really what the F
After I help guide my youngest and will be returning to a two year schooling program where she will get her diploma
It will be full time night school
And then get my granddaughter into the schools of the town I just moved from after forty six years
You sense it
I miss my hometown something awful
Lost I feel here
Terribly lost
All acquaintances just that
Memories
The friends I thought were decent human beings and to learn thirty years of jealousy
A rape leaving me with someone that had their way with me
We all worked together
To see the lies unfold with the most unbelievable things that are coming to past
Friends I thought I had on one hand
That to bull turd
Am I that different from the rest of others
Would I change who I am today
No
I worked long and hard to get to where I am
Only now it runs I to my family
My unit
My lineage
Damaged we are
It is smaller then ever
I am crushed
It is not a celebration for me anymore
I put on the face not even good at that
for Cory and Eva
It is not their job to make me smile
They have no clue how it brightens my heart
I help them understand it has zero to do with them
And it drives me nuts at how sick I am
I have me myself and I
Corissa helps greatly
It frightens me what's down the road
Things are happening
I am lost
Me