Without fail
I am stirred by my companion pain and sadness
Such terrible sadness
Fighting a battle that is welcoming me into the abyss
Oh how I hate HATE the feel of what is taking over
Then depression finds me

My pillows drenched in tears
Every single morning
Not knowing what the heck the day has for me
I have no desire to want to go forward
For what
I cannot get it right
Don't know if I ever will
Not much time in the world lately
Not much to offer anymore
Not much I can do anymore
Not much of anything
These days that go by are forgotten

I just don't know what to do anymore
I won't do anything
I will go with the flow
Nobody's watching
Not much time left
Just ticking away
Like a time bomb
Waiting to just die
I have fought the fight
Nothing in the end changed
So why even try
These fingers I make move every morning
give them movement for what
The pain never leaves me
I drop everything
My hand and feet are changing
The skin nails brittle
I take care of them
I never let them go
My teeth I haven't been to the dentist about four years now
Granted he did not have much to do with my cleaning especially the plaque
I have my own instruments available at the drugstores
I have noticed a quicker build up of plaque
And the mouth a sign how the body is doing
Getting my pap missed one year this last pap
Never missed a pap
So there
Never say never
My fingers burn with such pain I ant stop scratching to counter the feeling
I can't take it anymore
I don't want it anymore
I have given my all
I have been lied to all my life
Fifty five young
And feel double that at many times lately
I don't like the way I must live
I isn't living
I'm just existing
There isn't much left
Corissa soon to eighteen
Eva ready to start kindergarten
And that it
Eight children
Sara
Michael
Christine
Corissa
Eva
Zackary
Gabriella
Patrick
I have had a heck of a run with raising them
Remember all gifted
They needed activities and that's where the huge backyard the had to do so much
It was a large yard
I rented the first floor from my mothers and dead fathers home
Lived there for twelve years after my divorce
They were at the cusp of the technological way of life
They were the first to have the first once the computer world took over
And took many children in the process
My son one of them
My soninlaw another
Still to date video games
They are in their early thirties
Come on I'm not computer or techno smart
I am mistaken for not paying attention
I can see back then who became obsessed
And it was treated like a drug alcohol or any other problems
that come along with addiction
Jeez
To take the phone away was the indication who had a problem or even possible tendencies
I am a smart cookie
I pay close attention in areas where others may not look at as a possible indication a problem is on its way
And I was there always understanding
Because I am a recovering alcoholic
And was blessed to have been bitten
I too just turning thirty
Took two more years when I picked myself (my way of thinking)
applied it
That year was 1992
That too all for what
To have to take these meds that can harm me
such as a heart attack if by any chance there should be another
"SANDY"
How many of us suffered
I never abusive with these meds
Had if I remember four or five days advanced in the way of me
Falling asleep at night and only because of that I have had additional
You get the picture
Point
My heart already is affected in ways now that have to do with being under medicated me and my doctors know this
I'm not sure my body could handle a full withdrawal case
And we all know another "SANDY" is inevitable
Scary would you not agree
I so don't want to have to put another medicine to my mouth
There are two doctors I must see again and it isn't a easy task
I have a good indication something is up
Wouldn't be surprised if down the road I will have an oxygen tank as companion
Changes are happening
I especially feel it when I take shower that causes steam to fill the room it isn't the inhale its upon exhaling that has changed
become difficult
I know my body well
The stress at this level MUST HAVE TO TAKE A TOLL ON MY BODY MIND AND SPIRIT
is evil it's cancer
It's that horrible domino effect
I have what left in my life
I have to what fight the fight
I won't kill myself
But I must fin a way to kill this pain
All of the different pains
I must find a way
The day has passed
I'm another years older
I am responsible for my own happiness
God help me see the light
I fear I will never get a chance to love be loved in return have a special someone who is willing to be my "one and only"
I've gone it alone
I understand when one speaks
Being alone
Being lonely
God the Father I believe
As to be true to myself always is what I practice
Hoping I am pleasing The Lord
I am falling
Falling hard
Me

Dear eva,

I feel when you are spiralling, it is not the eva I like to read but it is understandable on so many levels.

Always know that we are here to listen, to understand and to share the burden is some small way.

Dave.

I want to kick it to the curb like I have been
and took it by the horns
road that rough bumpy ugly place for long enough
Darn i did it without a someone walking around the house with a towel wrapped around them
Again
I bring this up because it really was something I decided at a very young age twenty four single and had a job to do and raise my babies
I followed through
No regretting
Can they not at least understand and let that be enough
I cannot be asked for anymore than I have already given of myself to a fault
Is it that what really gets to me way deep down
What the heck is my shrink for
And what he said was
You are left with suffering when I explained what happened
Suffering
As if I do not understand
Am I not blind deaf or closed minded
I have fought so hard along this road called
"Life on life terms"
No school for it
Learn as you go
I would like to think I have been taught well
I would pay very close attention to what mattered
I forgot
Me

I look and see a red thumbs down
Ask my daughter how did that get there
She said
Mommy you must have accidently hit the thumb
I look at it and said to myself
Way to go Eva

Let me get the strength to get going today
Not be in pain misery

Let me not be angry
That nor mother or father came for their little girl Eva
She is so happy
There were fireworks yesterday across the river
It was a half hour show
My granddaughter and I just in awe
I was a kid again
Only after ten minutes I could not hold my head up
Today I start with the spirit
All the pieces in my life do not make sense Yet
I am here for some reason
I haven't given up yet
I am here
I will do my part
Love
Me

It was five in the morning
After final shut eye after one this morning
Math tells me that's four hours
Is there anybody
Anybody who experiences what it is I do

Before I stir in my sleep to wake
Just as this morning
It is in my gut
My belly physically feeling this unwanted doomed feel
add to that the inability to do anything about it
My shrink knows
With him also we tried so many meds to help this horrible situation I am going through
What caused me to stop with the meds my shrink was administered only to find myself in suicidal mode two years ago
And I cannot shake it off
The drug was Lexapro
This may have been the fifth or sixth drug trial and error
All did not help and caused my body to go through hell with the withdrawals
Yet who gives a turd about that

I want to know what comes to visit me in my sleep and wakes me into the day and it is sadness me all over again
And the vicious cycle begins
I come here to let loose on what is happening
For anyone else out there who feels like they are just about going
snap just cave in and shrivel and die

I am what my attitude puts out
I hate how I am
And hate HAS come from my recent writings
A strong emotion
Hate what my mind is doing to this body
To feel like you are fighting yourself
And in reality I really am beating myself up to the point of self destruction
And no oxygen to fill these lungs fully to take it all in
Instead I am gasping for air that isn't polluted by humans
who have hurt and would like to continue to hurt me has to stop
It just make a mess of me mentally
Where do I put the stuff that's going on
Sure I would love to throw it away
Addiction and recovery is the ultimate goal here when in that situation
This is my fight and I do not want to give into depression
Oh it's there I know there is no sweeping it under the rug for mr

Why am I visited in the morning with instant horrible gut feeling
And fighting that gut can take a bit of time
Oh sweet Mary
I am so tired
My emotional state broken
My shrink thinks I have what it takes to fight
If only he knew what physical fights I'm talking about

I don't want to feel anymore
I won't kill myself
I won't try anymore with my family
Let them figure it out
I'm still in that same position many times
I'm still trying to figure out crap that's real in my life
How can I not feel happiness
Why can't I feel it
Love has nothing to do with it
IF you love unconditionally
You need a spark in ones gut
I try every single morning
Do my meditating to try and rid the terrible
feeling of doom
Come and write here and share my live story
Just the act of working my fingers is a blanking challenge
I am challenging myself constantly
These unwelcome visitor that come to me each morning is so strong it frightens me
I call upon my angels
and pray
Help me
It is robbing me of
Me

The Goddess of Dawn "Eos" with her rose coloured fingers visits us all in the early hours, I believe you are strong enough to stare her, her brother and sister down, tell them you are not yet ready to rise up to the light, tell them to leave you be, tell them you will let them know when you have no more will to fight, but for now, you have the presence of mind to want to stay and their constant visits are not welcome.

thank you so much for that
any positive forces i welcome
i all evil i rebuke in the name of Jesus
and call upon the angels
thank you
i will now do some homework on "Eos"
love
me

us humans
my dog
my precious dog
he is old
has a tumor in his brain
Cushing's disease
my companion until moving where i am
my eldest has him
i miss him with all my being

a brain tumor
pituitary
hormones hormones hormones in his case
he suffers all the symptoms
how can such a wonderful canine such as our silky terrier be so
lucky
come to find out it is common in the canine world

what is wrong with me
why is my body behaving as it does
the bruises of my hands and feet undeniable
yet the two doctors on my train have my life and body
in their hands
either one no clue
both scratching their heads

in my pooches case in hindsight
he exhibited all the progressive stages of Cushing
as a young pup
always overly active
when i seen him on Thanksgiving
i was heartbroken
he can hardly walk
i offered to help with some ideas to make life easier
some area rugs
so his feet can grasp the rug under his feet
so to help him along
i know he is taken care of
they said they had gotten doggy insurance
pray they did
the times he would love to lick the tears
i was already shedding come towards the end of our time together

and then all the water he would consume
i just don't get it
innocent
he was my unconditional friend
who NEVER let me down
hurts to watch him walk
doubt i will ever see him again

just another thing to find a place to shove it

it is all this kind of stuff that is killing my spirit
my dog is old and sick
and we are not together
who loves their animal knows what i speak of
the void
the anticipation of his passing
drawing near will just about put me over the edge
i see his eyes looking into mine as i think of him

is this what growing older is suppose to feels like
there are so many women out there
who move with ease at my age
i do not look my age
yet i do feel what many older people suffer

my gut tells me
i too whole heartedly believe my hormones
running out of control throughout my entire lifetime
causing many things to follow and go wrong
i felt my hormones at work
nobody was listening to me
hormones that does affect our bones
depleting it
i think of Sam when i write this
he is at the age where his hormones could be affecting
him also
it is my belief
a week before my monthly menses
all would stay away
i KID YOU NOT
it was during my menses would my own children
my co-workers knew and seen for themselves what my period did to me until my changes
beginning around forty five
the sweats
there are others who know what i speak of

POINT
hormones controlled much of my mind
and then body still not taken seriously by the gynecologists world
i know my body
nobody was listening
nobody
this back in the late seventies to date
my body

i also believe it too has something to do with inflamation
of the body
a first sign of something is up
just think about it
then as we mature
and mutation begins as we are born
actually even in utero
we are given the genes of our lineage
then we have environmental
and how we choose to live our lives
meaning what we put in our body
a vicious cycle

always erring to the side of depression
compound by all i have not let go of
is killing me even quicker
sadness robs us of experiencing life

is my life over
am i just waiting for the day
i don't take a breath
to leave my loved ones behind without resolve
is this what growing older is suppose to feel like
i really don't think so
but it is exactly what is happening
to me

hormones have taken my life
and my cancer
it alone is estrogen driven
go figure
so sad right at this moment
and this is how i stir every morning
fighting this vicious thing called
depression
me

Having a tough start again
Yesterday was shrink
Today pain specialist
Next week oncologist
And not a thing to say
I will finally GET the results of blood
Done almost two months ago
Fifteen pages
I want to know what my oncologists
Remark meant
Hand are so painful I have to itch them
Anybody
Anybody
Is it just a freak thing that's going on
The pictures do not lie
No denying something is causing it to happen

My mind
It stirs so early in the morning
Having to write
As this is meditation time
Trying to fight off depression
Talking to myself
Trying to rid this feeling
Nobody
Nobody should have to live such like this
I tell my shrink all that is happening
Do not leave anything out
And no progress involving this feeling I have come to visit me every morning
The story all know by now
And five o'clock this morning no fail
Awakened
Me

Dear eva,

When we choose to see a Shrink we have to lay it all out there. It is the only way the slightest progress may be made.

Waiting so long for Blood Test Results is never ideal, but hold onto hope - perhaps your Oncologist has found some answers, or at least a clue to pursue to a conclusion.

Wishing you so much luck with all your appointments.

Dave.