Of Eva,
Please remind Corissa about the "rainbow" . She has to give of herself for herself. She can have a beautiful life ahead.... Get her GED; maybe a nursing career or whatever she chooses. She can do it. I believe in her; now she has to believe in herself.

With Love & Prayers for you and all your family.

Gerry

Powerless I am to so many things
However being pushed to the limit with my last two children cannot be anymore hurtful
When your eighteen year old who brings nothing to the table
A place where she is and knows she is loved
who is on the phone first thing and all day
Eats in bed when there is a table and chairs in her room
a beautiful room with her own bathroom
who since returning home testing me to my limit
And it is all the same she lays around on the phone all the time
A obsession
I ask her everyday did you apply for work
The last was when she had no more clothes to wear if she could do all her laundry
No problem
Mom really can't financially support her
Yet I do the best I can
And it is not appreciated
I don't know why she is pushing me to a breaking point
Does she want me to say get out
I will never throw my child out
And for both of them to cuss me when I just found out she tried to kill herself three days ago
Found out yesterday
My youngest who is undeserving of the money given so she can go to the movies
Go out with her friends
And do nothing without having to ask her
In the end she was in route to her sister yesterday but she was sick
I asked her to return home and do some of the things she needed to do
Dirty plates
Dirty clothes
A dirty bathroom until I can't take it anymore
And here is a first
the icing on the cake
When she told me no
She wasn't coming home
And that I should get over it
She never came home
And yet
This morning writes me
Mommy
Are you okay
What the F*** is that
I don't know what to do with that
None of my other children did that when
Then again who am I kidding
Christine started hanging out with the wrong crowd seventh grade downward spiral
And Corissa was ill with her kidney and was still an active mom with the school and Christine trying not to loose her like I did
And she is in a very bad place
Corissa not interested in anything except being taken care of
in a way that is just not right
She is that magical age eighteen
Her father will not take her in if she calls him
My eldest hasn't gotten a word where she is
For all I know she could be with the gang member who she was involved with when with her father and had the pregnancy scare with
Who gets her high
Why is it to open up to me and know I will always worry when they are not on a good road
And all I can do is pray for them both
But I feel like I can't hang on anymore
It's beginning to hurt me physically
And they can't see that
Lost and depressed
Like she said
I need to get over it
Have nobody
Nobody

Not a word

Eva,
I'm so sorry. I know she loves you, she thanks me for being friends with her mother.
It seems like she can't/won't help herself. Becoming lazy thru the last few years has obviously played some part in her not even cleaning up after herself. She is so much better than that.

You and your family are in my prayers.


Gerry

That will be five hours no phone
To be productive in the five hours she gives it up
She also understands
It will be very lonely out there after her so called friends who do not work or are productive in anyway
After expressing to her
Never will I ever have a child of mine tell me
What they will do not bringing anything to help the situation
I now in essence am providing a safe place for her
Something I do not have to do at that magical age eighteen
While in my presence she applied for two jobs on line
Did two loads of her laundry
Took a shower
Fed her niece dinner
It isn't anything difficult just time and energy
She did it without much back talk
She tried
It is now on terms she give it up for five hours
Or have it turned off
For six months
It is a scary situation
I already have a child who is out there and will be thirty two
I am hanging on hope
HOPE and prayers she will get better
To now have the same fears added to it
She isn't ready for the world and can be in a much worse place then the sister she looked up to
To loose my youngest to the streets would be heart-wrenching
All prayers forever welcomed
Always
Me

Eva,
Prayers for you and your family have been on my nightly prayer list for quite some time. In fact, I say my evening prayers long before bedtime so I won't be haft asleep saying them. I have already mentioned you and your family; of course, Corissa by name.

I'm glad to read Corissa is attempting to do a few baby steps at a time; hopefully they will soon be adult steps. "No", we can't loose her to the streets, she has too much to offer with a lot of "rainbows" to follow.


Gerry

what a way to live
i know it is me my mind
that is occupied with the what ifs
a good friend suggested to not look for it
let it come to me
this is true release of ones turmoil
when nobody but ourselves having the sense
to see and understand
we are powerless in many situations
many
but it is how i try very hard to practice
and then getting bombarded from all side
and still try to keep it together
i have come so far
not to fail being the best mom and human i can be
i live with much sadness
making just as much lemonade
my grandchild ready to start school
wondering how her life will be like going to school
she is bright
very bright
gifted
i can see it
as i did with all my children

having to wake in a state i cannot move like i once did
like lighting i was
like lighting
and 95% of it gone

i wonder
what will it be like when i get to stop taking my cancer pill
tamoxifen
it stripping me of my estrogen
will this sad feeling be lifted even just a bit
it is affecting me physically
reliving terroristic attacks
watching the towers come crashing down
for my eyes to watch
it is literally
right across the river
my backyard
and has not stopped
i cannot fathom any of it

my babies
i from generation X group
have not moved on as the rest of the world
technology has never introduced itself to me
where i did not want part of
i look at my children
my babies
all suffering in one way or another
social media when my children went from beepers to the cell phone
and in their case more harm than good
i can see where it changed just like that
and there is no stopping
phones used to blow people up
i live in this country a citizen
a immigrant
in this country that was referred to when i came
as the
"a melting pot"
who can say we have the right to be judgemental
is it so difficult for one to refrain from saying negative
if one hasn't a nice thing to say to another
do not say anything at all
if one isn't asked for one's opinion
keep one's mouth shut
how has manners disappeared so quickly
just in the last twenty years pushing the envelope
what happened to courtship
why are we watching dating naked
i am not speaking of any shame of my body
not to be misunderstood
i have love of myself
a confident woman
who stands in Gods love and protection

my grandchild at the foot of my bed writing her numbers in word form
knows her vowels
long and short
i teach her in song
it is easier for her
everything in song is better

music
that sooths

the world has lost its song

will the sadness be lifted a bit when i stop the drug
it is a terrible feeling
depression robs us of so much

i try to empower myself
with the love of Jesus Christ
and try to write everyday

mental illness not taken seriously
to say the words out loud "mental illness" is taboo
something has to give
pull back the reigns
not everything has to be accepted
why afraid
i don't get it
my children old enough to see it happening
i will always take a stand when in truth
i will always be around when my children need that comfort
only what i can give
i pray we all have happiness in our hearts
love
me

That feeling of doom
Seven years in psychotherapy
Fired him
Was happy to get or try to get me on meds
And wasn't listening when I told him it was worse
And not enjoying the withdrawals
So giving it up was a good thing
He did not take my MTHFR Mutation seriously
And did not go to bat for me
Unhappy I left him
I am not sad
Hoping that this shall pass
My daughter sounds better
Meetings
Being a bit demanding
Cannot hear the sadness in my voice
I just am crushed
I hate how I feel right this moment

enough is enough
the dynamics out of control
i am stepping out of their way
no more hearing from me
blocked they are
forced to write me old school
if they want
i don't want to care anymore
i cannot make them do it
i will not allow sadness from them
fried
fried
i
am
done
me

Eva,
I am sorry you are driven to feel so helpless. All you can do at this point is give all of this to God. "Trust in Him".


Gerry