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12-23-2017, 09:27 PM | #661 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I really feel sad for my kids
To not have the other parent be civil No relationship I have come to understand that someone from the other side wished me well I have had no contact with anyone since my divorce only from one sister in law who has long passed With an apology letter and pictures of her two girls Sad that my children did not have a healthy relationship with the first man a young girl falls in love with her daddy And a young boy their mommy To see that we could have had some normalcy That they could have a prototype of what it is like for two people who made babies and have their lives come first and never abandon them Both men both CouldnÂ’t find it in their mind when they were not who I loved and they couldnÂ’t accept that I didnÂ’t want to have sex with them anymore And they the children were forgotten by them or used as Corissa experience was with her father He really messed her up big time She needs so much help And then I think about how hard they made it for me Not taking responsibility in any form So why am I stuck on this I look at them and see how much they had to go through themselves A crappy start And then CorissaÂ’s father telling her he isnÂ’t giving her anything He responsible for so much destruction in her life ItÂ’s sad IÂ’m sad for all of them and now Eva So to be head of this family Honored Let them rise to the occasion They are awesome people They are my babies Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (12-24-2017), RSD ME (12-31-2017) |
12-24-2017, 10:19 AM | #662 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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She woke came in and said
There is something underneath the tree Who is it for I told her I don’t know Look for a name She said if it has my name on it I don’t know what I’m going to do I said go and see She came running in It has my name on it Can I open it Not yet I said Not yet You can open it soon Just be patient It isn’t going anywhere I wish I could have just a morsel of her happiness Just a morsel Watching her is the best way to it So that’s what I’m going to do To say in truth how I feel is to sad to even write How many will take their life How many have nobody to talk to For someone to hear Everything will be okay How many I am hoping and holding It is something that I have to do May she always remember her gift from her grandmas hands Something I will never forget Can’t wait for her to open it I have given all and left with worries I will turn it over May I keep my sanity MY SANITY NOT A CONCERN TO ANYONE BUT I WILL LIVE FOR ME AND CARE FOR HER TILL SHE CAN DO THINGS FOR HERSELF CANNOT BE SAD AND IT ROLL OVER ON TO HER BUT THE TRUTH IS I AM SO SAD IT HURTS Set my mind free of worries Come into my spirit and heal this broken being In your name Me
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someone who cares eva |
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12-24-2017, 09:39 PM | #663 | |||
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Member
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I have not been here in a very long time. Eva I was hoping your life was improving. I cannot help you from here but I can send HUZS
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Illegitimi non carborundum For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. psalms 91:11 |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (02-10-2018) |
12-25-2017, 06:59 AM | #664 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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For all I am to be greatful for
Why am I visited by this doom What does it want from me Every single day I fight this with my might Why am I sad What is wrong with me Why am o crying in my sleep What is my problem What Was his mind all over the place like mine is and just couldn’t take it any more It is strong It won’t go away Not without a fight I’m not nuts Just bloody sad What What is wrong with me To stir awake and go into a crying fit What What is wrong My hormones What Hold me tight I ask again Heavenly Father Hold me tight so it hurts and not my brain I cannot explain it anymore than i already have And every day I wake I fight Would you please Please Heal this mind Make it want to live Not be so so sad If I knew what makes me feel like this Would change so much to the end Soon to be 57 And to be sad for the past five or more years Strong I must be for today It’s just not there I need to find it Will call my sister I know they to are sad Time to take my meds Hoping this to will pass This to shall pass I just need to hold on Hold me tight Don’t ever let me go Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (12-25-2017), RSD ME (12-31-2017) |
12-25-2017, 01:41 PM | #665 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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But for one and she won’t stop
Calling off the hook Just won’t stop I haven’t had any words with her in sometime now And it is getting out of hand No reason for anymore drama She just won’t quit I have nothing to do with her and I am still her problem Me She wants to pick a fight with me And I won’t let her It is OOC and I’m holding on Just holding on To much crap Just to much crap Everything is how it is because of her OOC behavior I just don’t get it Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (12-25-2017), RSD ME (12-31-2017) |
12-27-2017, 09:00 AM | #666 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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With all that has happened in this past year alone
I wonder Will it every pass Having had a long It seem forever that I live with some form of monster That lives inside I cannot find a way to explain This horrible horrible gut eating monster Robbing me of any goodness I seek Holding on is all I can do As I pray for this to pass I have been in therapy most my life Never getting any good solid escape from this monster I will not entertain antidepressants as I have gone through a slew of them that just made things so much worse Not another pill thank you Just having to up my pressure meds upsets me I can not control my own pressure The overwhelming doom that live inside of me is draining Every single morning I cry Cry it all out I meditate and empower myself into a better mind set But to get there is work Hard work To not let anybody steal any happiness I may have I do not like this feeling It is horrible And not to rid of it for such a long time is draining To stir in my sleep as I wake I feel I in my gut It manifests itself physically Who in heavens name wants to feel what I do It crippling it I pray just be the weather I do not do well anymore in the cold And I am not financially stable to make a move I just want to jump in my car and just drive Drive and never stop And I can’t even do that if I wanted My family can see it has taken its toll I have a wish Only one Wish To wake happy The tears I cry in my sleep so evident My hair stuck to my face For my little Eva ask me Are you okay mimma I tell her yes why She tells me You face looks sad I don’t want you to be sad Of course I fib and tell her otherwise This horrible monster doesn’t only rob from me But robs from my loved ones Dear Heavenly Father Come to me Hold me so tight In this horrible time You know all You know my mind You know my heart You know my spirit Help me in this terrible time Rip from me this monster that has a hold on me Let me live Let me laugh Let me feel you in my being Rip from me the thoughts that cripple me They are real As my body rots into nothing and will be gone one day Allow me some calm Allow me the laugh Allow my family to get the best of me Rip this monster from me I ask in your name Amen
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someone who cares eva |
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12-28-2017, 12:07 PM | #667 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Took the ongoing issue I experience with this above tenant and called the office
It is noted And all the promises I told them I do not want anymore excuses I have video of her on Christmas Day dumping so much water on her terrace that of course came down onto my porch I was not about to go out and clean up her mess she caused to be on my porch Instead just told the office Anytime you want to view what goes on when the office is closed I’m ready To send it to the assigned worker on this ongoing matter I will make stop She’s messing with the wrong woman Have had enough experience She is hanging herself But when it comes to my sleep That’s where I say enough So what does she say That blank blank blank is not going to get away with anymore that she will handle it And to just give her a little time and she will be moved I said fine But I do not want to be disturbed anymore To that I get We will have a party as she is out of there All of it means nothing Just want them to know I will do everything in my power and stand in the truth of it all Do not need a party Just need you to do your job and tell her to knock it off We shall see We shall see Happy New Years No more stepping on me or my family I will not stop Me
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someone who cares eva |
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12-30-2017, 07:30 AM | #668 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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My baby sister will be here with me
Will spend the night with me And tomorrow spend it at my daughters My night not any different from the other days Trying to hold on with all my might What a job Again pipes broken on 5 floor Our line No water I have another day to get through Before I get to close these eyes that cry When I’m up Apparently when I’m sleep also Do not know of my dreams if I am having them But I is for certain I am disturbed Can’t wait for spring It is welcomed by this one Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (12-30-2017), RSD ME (12-31-2017) |
01-03-2018, 09:21 AM | #669 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Something is very wrong
Ashamed I am not My mental state has declined at a rapid rate The ups and downs aren’t balanced The stress through my lifetime I fear has taken over my mind I cannot shake what’s happening And I dread having to find a doctor because I don’t trust them I really am coming apart inside And I have tried so hard to shake it Hold hoping it too shall pass My Heavenly Father is my maker Help me on this difficult lonely journey I don’t know anymore I cannot put my finger on what’s causing this horrible feeling of doom I don’t want to live like this anymore And I don’t want to be pumped up with all different meds as the too are on a process of trial and error I guess I would be deemed a project to a doctor And I’m not keen on that kind of experiment When I would smoke cannibas at its been a while I don’t experience these moods And I have been smoking for many years At a point where I want to clean up this aging body I still know what I would experience And cannibis helped as it is my own experience and assement I know me I know what my brain experiences and how I feel afterwards Happier I feel Why What is it in cannibis that changes this sandness to bearable life I have a high level of stress most my entire life And having not a drink in such a long time I now void in my life by my choice I began to spin out of control I can only explain it like such “Just that calm feeling of the first three drinks” It’s been three decades I haven’t had a drink But I have in my illness past seven years when I would take a hit or two I am a much different person mentally The calm I get My surroundings don’t affect me like they are now for so long I am physically broken not speaking of my mind here although the brain to is an organ I cannot dismiss the idea I now am in a bipolar state But first things began to break down at the age of 49 Since then the domino affect just took over I do not just have issues with my spine it is so much more Fibromyalgia diagnosis was first and the list is long and so many other things just came it seems out of nowhere If the mind and body go hand in hand my mind followed I am so in tune with ME I know something is wrong And it is draining me into nothingness Everything is just so overwhelming and I want to stick my head into the sand I made choices I am smart and protective of my own But it’s me now I am broken in everyway have but myself nobody to lean on to take it away for a while What is happening to me Who do I go to Who can trust with all that has happened I trust nobody including my last psychotherapist I was with for seven years seven years and all he would say is you have stuffered many horrible situation in my lifetime No kidding No kidding My entire family are self medicating with dangerous drugs It is not the answer This I know for CERTAIN and I understand why they got to that point Who wants to feel all the pain when a drug can take it away temporarily It just that it take everything and some form the individual Including life on the streets Why if I only took a few tokes from a cannibis and not anything else not to do anything else is it not taken seriously I don’t want to hear of drugs that put a person in a state of nothingness Are in such a zombie state That to is not a way to live and understand why my son and my grandchild’s mother have experienced in there treatment They express the horrible affects And how it is not worth it I just don’t know I don’t know anymore I feel like I’m loosing my mind who I am as a human The fears that have come to me I fight this and feel like I’m loosing it all I right this moment have no desire to live It’s not there The work The hard work Just keeping it together All for what when I cannot be feel crave happiness To laugh Just the act
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01-03-2018, 07:18 PM | #670 | |||
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Senior Member
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Eva has your state passed legislation for legal MJ? Is it worth enquiring with your physician again? I’m told some states while not legalised if neighbouring states are GP will provide a script to be made up in neighbouring state?
I have no words to offer you for the depression, it is a horrid place to be in. All I can say is my tears which were once never ending are dried up. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat. I still cry in situations but the endless tears, they are gone. Sending you much love and hugs
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I can still remember what life was like before pain became my life long companion |
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