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i don't want to feel anymore

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Old 10-30-2018, 05:19 AM   #761
eva5667faliure
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Default Botched istnt the choice word

So I started a second batch of contrast
They insisting my pet scan not cat scan was yesterday
My son went in yesterday to pick up a second batch for me to start last night
When he returned tell me how rude Norma was to him
And how polite two other woman were
I will not be quite when I get to that office with my son today
Itís her job to be kind cordial and professional
She was none of the above
I am the type of person who will go out of my way to commended a supervisor of ones job
Especially when they may go above and beyond
But to be rude to my son who she only met for the first time yesterday
Nope not going to happe
Not after ALL the crap I went throughout all the doctors staff sexual abuse in a hospital rude flipped attitudes that are out there they have no clue who they just crossed
And Iím still in transit trying to find out what is going on with this body
Pet scan changed to November 5th same facility then mri
Plastic surgeon Wednesday
My granddaughter crying waking up for her bff
Not even a call to her
But my son will be here with his partner till Thursday
Do not have to go through this all alone
I am so upset at Corissa and thatís all I gave to say about that
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Old 10-31-2018, 05:25 AM   #762
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Default So whatís wrong with this picture

After giving them all the medicines Iím on does and all medication I react to
I get ready woman tell me she read everything
Begins to put needle in for contrast
Not only blows a vein but proceeds to ask me if Iím on blood thinner of any kind
I did not say a word for what seemed forever
Then told her it was in information given
Apologies apologies apologies
I was just beside myself
And Iím accused of screwing up
Oh heck no
What the F IS wrong with people
How much more can I give to help you help not kill me
I so done done done
Still have pet scan on the 5th
Cardiologist surgeon back to back three days later plastic surgeon a week later oncologist same week
Really
And to be totally honest I really donít think Iím going to make it much longer
I feel I will have a short life
It stinks
But thatís how my body feels
And Iím so tired of the doctors and the way I feel
So tired
Me
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Old 11-01-2018, 05:17 AM   #763
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Default Having my boy over

The sadness in such magnitude
A brilliant man
Brilliant
Suffering
Depression
Bipolar and addiction
I just cry out
All of my family have mental disabilities
Disorders what ever you want to call it
Having time to talk to him alone
He too suffers the sense of doom
As he wake and the mind and body it becomes a physical entity
Invades the mind and body
DOOM
like the feeling this is it itís never going to get any better
Ever
I tell him I so understand
The battles of not masking the depression
That could be so much easier
But so much to loose on every level
I cry talking to him
Finding him up crying a three in the morning
Itís is such a helpless feeling
Feelings
Just feelings that can take one out
I say to him
I wonder when Iím at that point
What was my father going through that he didnít want to live anymore and blew himself away
Just like that
Gone at 47
I tell him if I go through what I do and it is so overwhelming
So overwhelming and I stick it out in a 24 hour day I pray my children can do the same
It isnít easy it is the hardest thing to have to do and on top of that a body rotting along so quickly
I do not think I will live much longer than the norm
So much pain and suffering
All over this body
I can hardly hold on to the phone and write this the tingling doesnít feel good it hurts
So with that said
Must get my angel ready for school
The one thing that give me utter absolute purpose
Ironic how she came into my care when I had my failed spine surgery
I stepped up
And no help to be had
All because I make it look so easy
If the could just feel what this body feels for 1 hour
Just one when at itís worse
But
It is what it is
What will be will be
Me
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Old 11-02-2018, 04:06 AM   #764
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Default The demons

Working overtime
Not a day
Not a single day goes by
Thinking will it ever get better
I keep to myself
Donít let anyone step on me
It has taken a toll
I donít want to give up
My mind tell me different
Devil working overtime
You would think the help would come from my children
What children I ask myself
Not that I will not puch myself
The point I push myself to breaking point
It has been what seems a long hard lonely life
Feelings
Just feelings
But consuming
Fighting it off has become a chore
Every single day
I look look real hard for the happiness
People so in a rush
Not like it was before the age of computers and social media
And person think thatís a life
Omg
When I was a kid I would have to finish many chores before going out and play
Ball
Go to the park
Manhunt with the children that lived nearby
The snow days were fun
There gone all gone
I just want to run away to the end of the earth and fall just drop
Oh the abyss
I can touch it
Itís right there
But I canít
I just canít
I have to take care of Eva whoís mother still gives me grief
Itís so lonely
All gone
Lonely
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Old 11-03-2018, 06:01 AM   #765
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Default I fear

For my boy
Me
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Old 11-05-2018, 04:08 AM   #766
eva5667faliure
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Default My baby sister becomes recipient of note

That were his last words to us before he took his life
A Hungarian wrote it phonetically

Dear family
I hope forgive what I did because I canít take it anymore because nobody respects me as a father
Whatever problem came up I get blame for it
And your mother blames me for everything
So the best thing to stay away of your life for good
I hope you understand my situation and always love
Daddy

She wanted to trash it but my baby sister came across several of his personal paperwork including his citizenship paper with his picture on it

Itís been a long time since I spoke to her
My mother
The woman who never wanted us
Makes her now ex husband she lives with his family and grandchildren her family
Me and my two younger sisters were each told how we werenít wanted
So many unanswered questions
So much sadness and pain to overcome
So sad
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Old 11-06-2018, 05:53 AM   #767
eva5667faliure
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Default Trying to keep it off my mind

Had the pet scan done yesterday
Thursday I have three doctors appointments
Oncologist cardiologist pain specialist
I have my granddaughter home with a cold
She will be off on Thursday and I will have to take her with me
I will be with my granddaughter alone to receive the results
I have to do it
I have no choice
My family will be busy
So be it
Suck it up Eva
You have no choice
Suck it up
My body feels like it was beaten up badly
Hurt I am
From my head to my feet down to my fingers tips
Donít know why
But Iím in pain
Oh how much I would love to have a massage
Just the thought
It would be like heaven
In my dreams
So till Thursday
Me
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Old 11-08-2018, 04:28 AM   #768
eva5667faliure
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Default And today we go

Three not just one but three doctors appointments
And anxious I am anxious
Words they sure can cut like a knife
My eldest had some choice words for me
Oh how she remembers things
Yet when I asked her what were the words spoken when I gifted her with a three piece beautiful necklace piece a gesture of her help when I was working nights
and she over see n my youngest daughter
How it mattered that she remembered all she remembers is donít ever sell it
How sad was I
And I refuse to remind her
No I will not be at the table this Thanksgiving holiday
Why sit at a table where Iím not even liked
How quickly the past be forgotten
How hard I worked for my family
While making all the sacrifices I made
Not to mention not bringing anybody into my life and they all have either a husband or a partner of their own
Left to raise this precious child who is my granddaughter
How her truth is remembered
Thatís fine Iíll wonít take it away from her
Sad I am
The words I spoke as I put the gift around her neck was this be a token of my gratitude for the help you gave watching Corissa as I went to work this work I did was midnight till the morning and when I came home I took over and began getting my childs breakfast ready and lunch for school
She only watched her as she slept
Forgetting meeting her now husband
He lived with us for years
Years where his mother stopped cooking for him
Oh how she forgot how it really was
Hurt is far beyond the words of pain I have in my heart
Not my truth but the fact of the matter
No I will not be at the table
Let me fade-away
Let the emptiness I am dealing with be a reminder I once lived in their life
All for what
To be alone in it all
The excuses made to explain it all away
Alone I am
Sad it is
We will be in each otherís company as I get my news
And it be the last time
Me
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Old 11-09-2018, 06:27 AM   #769
eva5667faliure
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Default Happy to report

I am clear of any cancer in pancreas
Clear nodes in my body some calcification in abdomen something I already knew
To find my heart is enlarged
The flacanide is working having seen the cardio surgeon
Will be on it for the rest of my life with elequis a blood thinner
Pain specialist just printed out the scripts to keep the pain away from botched cervical fusion and a lower back I will not let anyone touch fear in all that has gone wrong
I will now address the balloons in my chest as the right one has begun to deflate and is scratching the back wall of my innards and the left a double bubble
So all is well
I am happy to hear the news
Having that worry taken away
And only Heavenly Father to bring me home
I can care for Eva without the worry of dealing with the c word
Hope
Hope
Let my family see the hope
Me
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Old 11-10-2018, 04:12 AM   #770
eva5667faliure
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Default Oh my God not

Even a chance to breath
A call from my daughter
My addict daughter who is in a situation where it is mandatory for her to stay sober so she doesnít go to jail the child I am caring for so she can get her life together
TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT
and THEY were planning to have more babies
It is persons like my daughter and where she is in her life that has no business having a any more children
When I asked
HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN
she tells me THEY were planning to have more children
This from a man who calls me and tells me how he will chop her up into pieces and put her into suitcases and dosent care if he goes to jail
This canít be happening
I am numb
Jus ****inf numb
While I have Eva in my care she gets pregnant to replace this child
I canít grasp this just canít
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