I can’t even run from it
As it visits me in my sleep
Oh to be woken up like that just *ucks
And not able to return back to sleep even worse
So up early
The pain under my arm and behind the balloon still hurts
Got Eva’s lunch ready
Sending it off with a note in her bag everyday
Did the same for my children
She is a hugger
I get so many warm hugs from her
It would be something if it be the magic potion
Bottle it up and a dab when feeling like this person does
Honestly the love that emanates for her being is awesome stuff
We count the dogs we see on our ride to and from school
Mother failed to call her
This is how I know she call me to pick a fight
Will not entertain it
Ever
No contact
No desire
May this too pass
Me

As 2117 working in her brain
2018 her body
Just diagnosed with hypothyroidism
Another pill
Her hip joints
Her depression
Her mensis all a result of this autoimmune problem
I feel so badly for them
My linage genetics stink
To see them age with the problems they too will have *ucks
What else is new

My youngest
Returning to school
Took her to the pulmonary doctor
And will be her PCP
A awesome doctor
Awesome
She is turning over a new life
I know what I said
Her life is in for change
And picking up a part time job
She will have a look over
Her chest X-ray for lungs
Kidney sonogram
And so on
May she move forward
I sat in the car for four hours while she took her test
This lifts my spirits
Need to get her and Eva a few things
I take from myself
Dear Father never do I ask or pray for money
Some financial relief would go so far
Do what I must and can
The rest in your hands
Awaiting the spring weather
Cannot come any sooner
Me

Stein I must be
Peeping the home alone for new windows in all rooms and patio doors
My youngest who lives with me
Has taken flight for the last three days
Only last night never returned
I am in so much pain I want to die
Just for
The mental stress
The physical stress
Heavenly Father hold me so tightly that the pain be not felt
Squeeze me ever so tightly
Counter pressure anything to take it away
Oh how I don’t want this anymore and yet you tell me at my worst times you are in my presence most strongly
I need to feel you
I need to know I’m in your loving arms
I need to feel it please
Let me feel it
In Jesus name
Amen

Why can’t I stop
What is wrong with me why will I let her back
Has it come to this
Not let her back
Like my so. And daughter put it
Revolving door
How quickly they forget I went and still go for them
They speak to me as if they understand
That they know
They haven’t a clue
When it me they come to when crap hits the fan
She isn’t someone I want to enable
How do I not let it happen again
She was home the summer
Oh my God
Lucky she is alive
A mess
OMG
And then her girlfriend up here for the holidays
A long distant relative
2years
And she’s back to school SC
MY KID CANT TAKE IT
things happened
She ran away
Has no clue
My. It’s is so broken
I want to go to the hospital
But don’t have anybody to tend to Eva
Turning in with HWB
ME

Everybody on alert
She makes it home
We need to get help
There cannot be troubles such as this and it not Be addressed
So help I will find for her
However you can take the horse to water
Yet cannot make it drink
Well I’m gonna try
And see what happens
Kick me I don’t care
But she is going to get the help needed
Came in my room to sleep with me
We shall see
Shall see
Me

Have someone who is smitten with me
She is jealous
No matter how much I tell her nobody will take the place you have in my heart
You children occupy most of it
Here is someone who I introduce to my daughter
And in and out if the room as we talk among ourselves
I want this
I’m not letting this one go
Where ever it goes I going for the ride
And that’s all there is to that
Acting out she is I will be speaking to her about help
I shall also speak with her siblings
Me

It stopped
Just like that
And oh how confused this one be
Ever so smittened with me
Had lunch here with me
Met Corissa
Heard me on the phone with Eva’s Father
Weekend nothing
Reached out yesterday no response
Just like that
O well

On a better note
Corissa went to school yesterday
Loved it
A really good thing
Me

Is it having been alone all my life
I have no life to speak of
All around me goes on without a what seems with no problem
I donÂ’t know why it is as hard as it is being as I am
It is not a way for anyone to live
To say my hands hurt
Nobody can see what I feel in them
This I push through every day
And because I do it doesnÂ’t register anymore
I just want to say hello
Can you hear me
Can you help me please
If you know why do I have to ask
Where is the Love
What happened to the angels
Where are you guys
I need you all
How do I tell my child that lives inside me
Eva
Everything will be okay
Just donÂ’t worry
God will help
I donÂ’t have to worry anymore
because of my depression I donÂ’t know what to say
How it feels not to have that get up and go attitude
My body just wonÂ’t let me
The days are getting further in between
To wake and feel good
To not feel pain while in whatever sleep mode IÂ’m in
My words speak what I am physically feeling
There isnÂ’t a place I can say doesnÂ’t hurt
How my hands much more than my feet got to where they are blows me away
What happened to my hands
All that matters for a simple life taken
I try
God knows I try
But IÂ’m so blue down sad hurt lonely broken
My desires for my happiness is not coming to me
I am to be happy in the love of Heavenly Father
Let not my will be done
But yours
I try
And I fall short when I feel like this
Thanking you everyday at the end of the day
May I feel happy
Moving my arm just out of nowhere it hurt so bad putting on my jacket
My left arm now hurts
I asked my child who isnÂ’t wasnÂ’t doing anything
Sleeping after having a good night sleep
To please pick up my granddaughter
So I could sleep I was so tired
She refused
Refused
Against my request over a friends house
Slept over
*ull***t
You donÂ’t sleep over at soon to be twenty
Still no job
Got her into school
DonÂ’t want to disturb that
Can you hear how I live with this child
I shouldnÂ’t have to
WhatÂ’s wrong with me
And to raise another no fault of her own
How she is so innocent in this all
Where are they to take her out
Nobody around
What happened to the woman who birthed me
Forgotten my birthday for years now
It doesnÂ’t feel good
My sisters turn to me asking please donÂ’t leave us
Your all we have
This from my two sisters
Oh what a life it turned out to be
Never ever did I imagine it like this
Never
But it is
A dying family getting smaller and smaller
I donÂ’t see anymore grandchildren
Maybe my nephew
It drives me nuts I cannot jump out of bed and go
I canÂ’t decipher if itÂ’s nerve bone
As my knees are hurting but then it runs up my inner thigh and the entire leg has a heartbeat pain no pain pain no pain pain no pain like I can feel where it starts and it travel
IÂ’m angry as hell right now
Angry IÂ’m not happy
Have you ever heard of someone happy with pain
And who wants to be around that

A interesting situation has come my way
Someone has taken a liking to me
Texting me everyday how he hopes to see me as he works in the building
Point
ItÂ’s like a head game at times
IÂ’m not not with it
Just confused
So after yesterdayÂ’s morning message again hope to see me
I just let it go
He can write all he wants
ItÂ’s not that difficult in over a week
Nope
IÂ’ll be just fine with the morning texts
And go back to me
Me

I hear you, I hear you. I keep you in my prayers.

“Do not grow weary and lose heart”
So I will stick it out another day
I don’t have anybody around me that I can have contact with it is now a very lonely place to be
No getting out of this is a fear I cannot shake
No more I ask
Heavenly Father who am I to ask for no more
You know my mind my heart
These hands I don’t get
I just don’t get