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i don't want to feel anymore

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Old 02-12-2018, 02:49 AM   #701
PamelaJune
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Eva, you have an amazing strength of will. Your ability to stay the course is something all who know you undoubtedly take pride in. I know I feel proud to know you when I know all that you have faced and all you continue to face. Worry not over someone contacting you, the old ways are gone along with the societal norms. If you will, live for the moment and enjoy what comes your way as and when it does, be it fleeting or lengthy. Remember it is your life to live as you choose. No one passes judgment in the way they did of days gone old. So long as you uphold your own values and morals, God will hold you in his ever light.
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Old 02-15-2018, 07:00 AM   #702
eva5667faliure
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Default Can it stop

Everywhere you look turn
Something horrible is going on
Having to push through this life today
Is so hard
Keeping a face on for a precious child
Who knows her mimma so well
ďAre you alrightĒ
she seeand knows as my mobility is comprised
Something new brewing
Today to the doctors
This time my left shoulder
Brings me to my knees
Donít know what I did to myself
It just seem to come in putting in my coat
Out of nowhere it comes brought me to my knees
Slowly breaking down
Keeping this mind and spirit in check
There is a special someone who came yesterday
Said I wanted to come in person to say hello
Not via text
Brought my
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:44 AM   #703
eva5667faliure
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Default Just keeps coming

You would think not able to get in a good night
And when it happens something to wake me a 4:30 in the morning
One of my grown up child calls
And wants to meet with me
Cause that’s what she WANTS
no reguard for my getting my sleep in when I can
Things haven’t changed
All still the same
Some days better than others
No help when I need it most
And bothered when someone wants what they want
So tired of it all
The emotions are still up and down
Got to keep moving forward as there is a child who still needs to grow up
And grow up happy is my goal
Her happiness means everything to me
Will she remember the things we did together
The time is going bye quickly
Life should have been an adventure
Should have could have
And all WANT WHAT THEY WANT
Me
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Last edited by eva5667faliure; 03-01-2018 at 12:40 PM.
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Old 03-11-2018, 05:04 PM   #704
eva5667faliure
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Default Canít keep up

Evaís mother another failed attempt and arguing with me about being with Eva
And having to make excuses why mom isnít around
No more
Dear God
No more
I just doesnít stop
Me
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Old 03-12-2018, 06:50 AM   #705
eva5667faliure
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Default No answers

When one understands some things are just out of ones control
But we do and can make choices
Oh how many time at this point and time in my life
I never thought a thought of not waking up entered this mind
I know those thoughts brought on by meds I was on
It does horrible things to some of us
Mental disease do not taken seriously
With our president who is concerned what isnít being done
Look at our vets
How many off themselves as ptsd ravaging ones mind and body
To wake and not know why our mind is where it is
Hard it is
So hard when not taken seriously
I remember those days he my father would have a bout of depression that would last for it seem like forever
Not in a million years did it ever enter my mind no matter how hard things got
But when my mind would not listen to what I was telling it
And it was a thought my shrink brushed it off
Fired him after 7 years
Wasted time
Had no problem writing out scripts
But to listen to what I was trying to explain nope
And I look at all of my tiny family
See and understand
It isnít their fault
Doesnít make things easier
If fact harder it becomes
And to have my granddaughter to worry over
Enjoy I do
Made honor roll again
To have learned that those with high iqís suffer mental disease blew me away
I see it know it and canít do anything about it
So little is known about the brain
Hoping sometime soon it will be addressed and taken seriously
However money the root of ALL evil trumps the real work that needs to be looked at
Hoping my daughter will come to a place she will understand why she canít be around her child at this point and time
Sometimes I think when she does see her child it triggers negative thoughts
As if she were punishing herself
Itís so difficult to watch and I so understand
No answers
Me
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Old 03-12-2018, 07:05 AM   #706
eva5667faliure
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Default Having to stay strong

For so many in my family
The phone just wonít stop
And yet in my own life not a concern
All I am asked is please donít leave us
Please your all we have
I think to myself
Heavenly Father You are all I have
I make that choice to get up and out if be in the early more hours to get this child all ready for her day
No help
And a tease with a possible interest quickly fizzled
Iím so okay with it
And find it easy to let go as so many more important things come before me
And when will my family see and understand how they are priority
I will never give up on them
To hear from my boy who is also in a very very bad place
All I have to say to him as I do to my sister who is in the same place as my so
It is a choice to not pick up
Itís all one moment at a time
To keep it simple
To put it off for another time
I donít want to hear
Iím not as strong as you are
I donít have will power
Itís all about choice
Making the choice not now not today
It is very difficult
If anybody knows this momma does
A choice
So sad
Just so sad to see it take life from them as it strips me as I wonít turn my back on them
Me
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Old 03-14-2018, 07:15 AM   #707
eva5667faliure
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Default I will go through the motion but...

I donít want to feel
For what I do feel is not happiness
I donít know why
But thatís what I feel
It strips me of is much energy mentally
Sucking the life out of me
I do not speak of my physical pain
This I have learned to live with
But something
Something happened to my brain
I wasnít always in this state of mind
Itís debilitating and I donít want to feel it anymore
Like a monster lives in me
It visits me in my sleep just before I wake
In fact it wakes me as I cannot return back to sleep
Not able to close my eyes with the disturbances around me
If I got four hours Iím lucky
I meditate first thing
Pray that Heavenly Father hold me so tight I loos thought of whatever is draining my life into nothingness
A horrible horrible experience having to experience it
I so want it to go away
As the only one who knows me
Is Heavenly Father
I cannot hide what is real it is work
Hard work
I believe wholeheartedly it is hormonal that makes depression even harder to deal with
Having stopped my estrogen and not addressing what comes with doing that alway scratching my head
Why isnít anybody listening to me (my doctors)
Do they really want to keep me to themselves
As it is profitable to them
And then my job taken loosing my insurance
Forced to retire as I cannot return to the working world
I crave happiness like a baby craves the earth of a mothers arms
My mother not in my life
By her choice hurts
Even knowing she did not want us
My heart not acting normal as the fluttering is there I feel I
After I see the vascular doctor I must find another cardiologist
When in the hospital this past September the attending cardiologist recommended I get another nuclear stress test
How easy to advise
But it is so difficult to find one I can trust
Insurance I have is not lucrative pretty much on my own finding a good one
But it is on my list of doctors
When I go for my pap I will talk to my doctor about my hormones
See what he has to say
I have been provided a site I am looking into
But till then
This doom that lurks in and around me I want void
Me
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Old 03-15-2018, 06:03 AM   #708
eva5667faliure
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Default Itís so deep

The dark blue waters becoming black
Deeper and deeper I go
As I hold my breath
And then a breath of nothingness
Itís all gone
The coolness of the water
The blinds keeping the sun at bay
Into the abyss I go
A new place
A place of calm
No words
Nothing to reach for as I float into nothingness
Itís doesnít hurt anymore
Free I took the leap into nothingness
Oh how much easier it is NIW
Am I lost
No I know where I am
Itís easier when there isnít anything left
All I ever wanted was to feeel happiness
Searching for it has come to an end in the world that lives
How far will I fall deeper and deeper I go
To find my way I have drifted it doesnít matter
I did my very best
Donít I get a turn
Donít I matter
Only in my Fathers eyes
Asking to be held so tightly
So it be the only thing I feel
Countering all that has happened
I have learned so much
Put it into practice
And the monster keeps coming after me
Jumping in is all I have left to do
Deeper and deeper I go into the abyss
Whatís in the other side
Who lives in this world of nothingness
Calm
Calmly I float
And then I take a breath
Iím here never to have left
Oh come and take me
It hurts to move ahead
Iím lost in this place I once knew
Afraid I am
To live like this anymore
She comes to me and I have one more
One more to raise
Donít let it come and get her
I am her everything
The light has come back on when she walks over to me and say
I love you mimma
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Old 03-16-2018, 06:30 AM   #709
eva5667faliure
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Default The monster has come to visit at

4:30 this morning
Hey chest fluttering till I woke
Has I left
Absolutely not
My pressure 210/146
Took my pressure meds asap a half of a1mg Xanax
A bit calmer
It is over me like a blanket
Trying to control my thoughts
As this I know is situational
The stress level over the wall
A doctor must listen
Having a feeling it be what takes me out
Calm I must be
Calm I want to be
There is nobody to take my place and tend to this child who deserves so much more than I have to offer
What I mean by that
To give her the air to breath
Ride her bike
I told her this summer I would teach her how to fish
As I did as a little girl
There isnít anybody who take me seriously
All because I get up and do till I drop
There Is No Help
None
If anything the phone rings off the hook
Sleep deprived I am
Physically broken
Mentally distraught
And I pray Father comes to me and holds me tightly
Keep me alive as I fall
This is not a way to live
I want to laugh
Die happy
Laughing
What is that
Itís been so long
You know I wear a mask for her
And she see right through me
See sees my eyes
She knows her mimma
Why canít the others see
All I hear is mom sit down your Face ID all red
Why not where I want to be your actions affect me
It be the reason my pressure is up
No help and I ask for so little
The things that I know what helps
Why canít they see what she sees
Why
Why do I concern myself when I get Nothing in return
Itís my own fault
The way this mom is wired
I wasnít like this before I got sick then to have my cancer take my feel good natural hormone
It was shut down asking my child to help me as I am not computer smart to venture into what I believe to be a way out
NOTHING
this includes my dictors
I feel it should be mandatory for doctors confer with each other if there is mor than one they go to
This be the real way to help a patient
But NO
Heaven forbid that be a practice
To much work
So tired of fight my body
Trying to keep it going
It is so much work
And nobodyís listening
Along with my family even when they can visually see it happen
Me
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Old 03-20-2018, 10:15 PM   #710
ger715
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Eva,
Not sure how I would manage without my Faith in God. When I was pre-teen girl; my mother worked nights; parents separated a few times before the last time when I was 11, my Dad left. My Dad stayed in my life. I was often left alone with my who is brother is 3 1/2 yrs. older than me. He was very temperamental; and still is (Never married all he has is my 3 children who look after him since my mother died in 2002).

The Church was only a block from our apartment and was open 24 hrs daily with the Blessed Sacrament exposed. I would go many nights by myself and just sit in Church.....That really helped me since I was fairly depressed even as a child......

Today, I feel those years have instilled the desire and faith I have. I go to church weekly. There are many chapels next to Churches that are now having the Blessed Sacrament exposed 24 hrs. Will drop in for a time now and again just to sit there. Of course talk to Him; but often just quiet so I can listen to God. It is so calming.

I know you are a woman of deep faith. Maybe you and little Eva might just drop in and sit for a while. Feel the calm knowing you are in His presence and really not alone.

You and your family are in my daily prayers..

Gerry
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