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10-18-2018, 12:53 PM | #751 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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hoping it will all end soon
Getting so tired I just want to sleep Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Wren (10-18-2018) |
10-19-2018, 04:06 AM | #752 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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After tending to my grandchild
Bathing feeding homework Come 8:00 we went to sleep She’s in be by 7:00 We turned lights out And I was out Up early of course Having to start a new day Getting breakfast her lunch and so on Just wish this sense of doom would lift I just want to cut my hair But won’t Have to wait for clearance of pet and MRI He hopes for me to have it by next week I’m praying things will move quickly Send hello to all Prayed welcomed Me
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someone who cares eva |
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10-19-2018, 07:22 AM | #753 | |||
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Senior Member
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I keep you in my prayers.
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Enemies ..... Don't see them as bad. See them as broken. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (10-19-2018), ger715 (10-24-2018) |
10-19-2018, 04:48 PM | #754 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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This just to add to the others
Will with prayer and hope bring my heart to normal sinus rhythm It works on the electrical charges of the heart Me
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someone who cares eva |
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10-20-2018, 07:59 AM | #755 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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But the thought comes and goes
I hang in for what dear life I live to raise my grandchild As my body is failing me I came to the conclusion I am qualified on so many levels Why I wondered Then it dawned on me Am I being as I go through this life and all I have experienced so to give it away Am I Heavenly Fathers helper It is a lonely place to be I have my Heavenly Father my dignity my self respect I go through so much alone Having cry every single day in sadness aloneness You may wonder But she talks of Heavenly Father I do Even in the lonely life for me has to be for a reason I look at the world around me Being who I am Standing my ground Not getting involved with evilness Something that goes on like turning the light switch off to on And if your not part of that evilness your an outsider You don’t belong And that’s okay I’d rather be on this side of the fence So much pain so much sadness and the happiness short lived I give what I know away Just like my sobriety I say to myself how can this body go through so much I keep it to myself I am told I look awesome And I wonder to myself How am I supposed to look I hurts to wash my hair but I do The lipstick I’m never without I struggle to put on as the hairs above my lip is getting thicker as time goes on I must trim it so so my lipstick doesn’t get caught in it Why not wax it you may ask yourself Never did Never will I bleach it I shower Wash my hair I make myself smell good My granddaughter loves to smell me and use my perfume I mix myself I put myself in clean clothes I have come to learn I make things look easy and it’s not It hurts It hurts to put my foot down on the floor and stand Yet I put one foot in front of the other How am I supposed to look Disheveled Smelly Greasy Never Never Four children I have They think because I do I’m just fine Well there are days I’m not Days I hurt so badly mentally and physically Most importantly spiritually We all know what fine means But make no mistake even in the times I need help most it isn’t seen or understood and that’s makes me very sad Very sad as much as I too have to treat my children like a drink or drug hurts but I must So I put it off for another day And keep putting one foot in front of the other As that day will come Not at my hand I have much pain healing There is a little girl who still seeks a mother that still lives But her life is and always has been Regretting having us girls And not knowing her grandchildren or her great granddaughter It’s that little girl that’s been abandoned remembering at the age of two Heavenly Father knows all Right We are given promises should we believe I believe
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 10-20-2018 at 08:15 AM. |
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10-22-2018, 04:02 AM | #756 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Hard enough to beat the beast down and out every single morning
I speak of doom that comes to visit and wake me Even before I open my eyes to darkness it so early in the morning Heavenly Father I pray Please don’t let it consume me I don’t well it It’s evil and I rebuke it In you name I ask it be gone as I put my feet to the floor and get up to start the day Hoping to hear from oncologist office today that they cleared the PET SCAN AND MRI This having to wait as the system figures out if I need it or not is just the pits So till then I’m a basket case hiding it from the world Get up and do Do like nobody’s business No clue No clue Me
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someone who cares eva |
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10-25-2018, 07:45 PM | #757 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Tomorrow will be cats can with contrast
First thing after dropping off Eva to school Monday will be the pet scan first thing after dropping Eva off 9:00 After that a MRI will be scheduled spefic kind my oncologist spoke with medical team with insurance company and told them it is necessary So glad to have a doctor to fight for me To get the answers that is riddled throughout this body It isn’t just one thing So frightened I am I don’t want to think about it yet I can’t help it My body talks to me I listen Listen very closely And I’m doing all I can to advocate for myself Not an easy thing to do Yet I’m pushing through And doctors are impressed How I put a history of my medical explanations since birth 22 pages you read right but factual It helped him understand what to look for and ask me questions My cardiac surgeon said how much it helped him on so many levels and wished more people did the same It pleased me to know I could help myself in such a way and not be helpless I won’t stop as frightened and scared I may get Depression is always with me Keeping me company I ask Heavenly Father hold me so tight that it be the only thing I can feel Please let my spirit be free of it Free to fly I just stinks fighting it all Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (10-27-2018), Wren (10-26-2018) |
10-27-2018, 05:06 AM | #758 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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At the wrong facility
Not even in the system Finally get to where I needed to be And to late to start I just broke down and cried All flipped about this persons And situation Not a clue who they were dealing with And I went off Silence in the room Not s word as I went off Then the apologies Did not want to hear it Just give me the date and time I need to be here I said Monday is cat scan start the liquid Sunday night Tuesday the pet scan stat to drink excess water and fast Wednesday the plastic surgeon I came home and crashed after picking up Eva stopped for pizza and just crashed I’m so broken just so sad Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (10-27-2018) |
10-27-2018, 06:07 AM | #759 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Still in freeze mode
Nobody to hold only to ask Heavenly Father And I don’t mean only in a unwelcoming way I so want not to feel anything I am Squeeze me so tightly that it be the only thing I feel Where is everyone Where is the authenticity of the world I have just but to give I want the pain to stop Just stop Will that only be when I don’t exist on a physical plane I don’t want to feel anything anymore Happiness just doesn’t seem to exist And you may think to yourself but you have little Eva I do And happiness exudes from her She is growing so fast I can hardly believe my eyes She will be going through puberty soon What is wrong with me I ran around like a chicken without a head And my body aches like no tomorrow My back Hands feet my entire being just hurt so much It is raining terribly outside So hard the wind even harder I’m so broken hearted So sad and broken Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Wren (10-27-2018) |
10-29-2018, 04:08 AM | #760 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Having zero contact with my youngest
Not a care in the world No where to be found Utter disregard and for what Used in everyway now when needed most not a word Nowhere near Sadness riddled throughout this body Pain and suffering I have been through and it doesn’t stop But for my child to disregard in the manner that she has hurts like heck To see my son saddens me even more He has to be kind to himself They are getting older and suffer in their own way Eva dear Eva What will it be like for her Today is the day all starts Hold me Heavenly Father Hold me so tight Let me not fall Hold me tightly Me
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