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10-30-2018, 05:19 AM | #761 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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So I started a second batch of contrast
They insisting my pet scan not cat scan was yesterday My son went in yesterday to pick up a second batch for me to start last night When he returned tell me how rude Norma was to him And how polite two other woman were I will not be quite when I get to that office with my son today It’s her job to be kind cordial and professional She was none of the above I am the type of person who will go out of my way to commended a supervisor of ones job Especially when they may go above and beyond But to be rude to my son who she only met for the first time yesterday Nope not going to happe Not after ALL the crap I went throughout all the doctors staff sexual abuse in a hospital rude flipped attitudes that are out there they have no clue who they just crossed And I’m still in transit trying to find out what is going on with this body Pet scan changed to November 5th same facility then mri Plastic surgeon Wednesday My granddaughter crying waking up for her bff Not even a call to her But my son will be here with his partner till Thursday Do not have to go through this all alone I am so upset at Corissa and that’s all I gave to say about that
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (10-30-2018), Wren (10-30-2018) |
10-31-2018, 05:25 AM | #762 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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After giving them all the medicines I’m on does and all medication I react to
I get ready woman tell me she read everything Begins to put needle in for contrast Not only blows a vein but proceeds to ask me if I’m on blood thinner of any kind I did not say a word for what seemed forever Then told her it was in information given Apologies apologies apologies I was just beside myself And I’m accused of screwing up Oh heck no What the F IS wrong with people How much more can I give to help you help not kill me I so done done done Still have pet scan on the 5th Cardiologist surgeon back to back three days later plastic surgeon a week later oncologist same week Really And to be totally honest I really don’t think I’m going to make it much longer I feel I will have a short life It stinks But that’s how my body feels And I’m so tired of the doctors and the way I feel So tired Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (11-01-2018), Wren (10-31-2018) |
11-01-2018, 05:17 AM | #763 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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The sadness in such magnitude
A brilliant man Brilliant Suffering Depression Bipolar and addiction I just cry out All of my family have mental disabilities Disorders what ever you want to call it Having time to talk to him alone He too suffers the sense of doom As he wake and the mind and body it becomes a physical entity Invades the mind and body DOOM like the feeling this is it it’s never going to get any better Ever I tell him I so understand The battles of not masking the depression That could be so much easier But so much to loose on every level I cry talking to him Finding him up crying a three in the morning It’s is such a helpless feeling Feelings Just feelings that can take one out I say to him I wonder when I’m at that point What was my father going through that he didn’t want to live anymore and blew himself away Just like that Gone at 47 I tell him if I go through what I do and it is so overwhelming So overwhelming and I stick it out in a 24 hour day I pray my children can do the same It isn’t easy it is the hardest thing to have to do and on top of that a body rotting along so quickly I do not think I will live much longer than the norm So much pain and suffering All over this body I can hardly hold on to the phone and write this the tingling doesn’t feel good it hurts So with that said Must get my angel ready for school The one thing that give me utter absolute purpose Ironic how she came into my care when I had my failed spine surgery I stepped up And no help to be had All because I make it look so easy If the could just feel what this body feels for 1 hour Just one when at it’s worse But It is what it is What will be will be Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (11-01-2018), Wren (11-01-2018) |
11-02-2018, 04:06 AM | #764 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Working overtime
Not a day Not a single day goes by Thinking will it ever get better I keep to myself Don’t let anyone step on me It has taken a toll I don’t want to give up My mind tell me different Devil working overtime You would think the help would come from my children What children I ask myself Not that I will not puch myself The point I push myself to breaking point It has been what seems a long hard lonely life Feelings Just feelings But consuming Fighting it off has become a chore Every single day I look look real hard for the happiness People so in a rush Not like it was before the age of computers and social media And person think that’s a life Omg When I was a kid I would have to finish many chores before going out and play Ball Go to the park Manhunt with the children that lived nearby The snow days were fun There gone all gone I just want to run away to the end of the earth and fall just drop Oh the abyss I can touch it It’s right there But I can’t I just can’t I have to take care of Eva who’s mother still gives me grief It’s so lonely All gone Lonely
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11-03-2018, 06:01 AM | #765 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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For my boy
Me
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11-05-2018, 05:08 AM | #766 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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That were his last words to us before he took his life
A Hungarian wrote it phonetically Dear family I hope forgive what I did because I can’t take it anymore because nobody respects me as a father Whatever problem came up I get blame for it And your mother blames me for everything So the best thing to stay away of your life for good I hope you understand my situation and always love Daddy She wanted to trash it but my baby sister came across several of his personal paperwork including his citizenship paper with his picture on it It’s been a long time since I spoke to her My mother The woman who never wanted us Makes her now ex husband she lives with his family and grandchildren her family Me and my two younger sisters were each told how we weren’t wanted So many unanswered questions So much sadness and pain to overcome So sad
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11-06-2018, 06:53 AM | #767 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Had the pet scan done yesterday
Thursday I have three doctors appointments Oncologist cardiologist pain specialist I have my granddaughter home with a cold She will be off on Thursday and I will have to take her with me I will be with my granddaughter alone to receive the results I have to do it I have no choice My family will be busy So be it Suck it up Eva You have no choice Suck it up My body feels like it was beaten up badly Hurt I am From my head to my feet down to my fingers tips Don’t know why But I’m in pain Oh how much I would love to have a massage Just the thought It would be like heaven In my dreams So till Thursday Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Wren (11-06-2018) |
11-08-2018, 05:28 AM | #768 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Three not just one but three doctors appointments
And anxious I am anxious Words they sure can cut like a knife My eldest had some choice words for me Oh how she remembers things Yet when I asked her what were the words spoken when I gifted her with a three piece beautiful necklace piece a gesture of her help when I was working nights and she over see n my youngest daughter How it mattered that she remembered all she remembers is don’t ever sell it How sad was I And I refuse to remind her No I will not be at the table this Thanksgiving holiday Why sit at a table where I’m not even liked How quickly the past be forgotten How hard I worked for my family While making all the sacrifices I made Not to mention not bringing anybody into my life and they all have either a husband or a partner of their own Left to raise this precious child who is my granddaughter How her truth is remembered That’s fine I’ll won’t take it away from her Sad I am The words I spoke as I put the gift around her neck was this be a token of my gratitude for the help you gave watching Corissa as I went to work this work I did was midnight till the morning and when I came home I took over and began getting my childs breakfast ready and lunch for school She only watched her as she slept Forgetting meeting her now husband He lived with us for years Years where his mother stopped cooking for him Oh how she forgot how it really was Hurt is far beyond the words of pain I have in my heart Not my truth but the fact of the matter No I will not be at the table Let me fade-away Let the emptiness I am dealing with be a reminder I once lived in their life All for what To be alone in it all The excuses made to explain it all away Alone I am Sad it is We will be in each other’s company as I get my news And it be the last time Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (02-01-2019), Wren (11-08-2018) |
11-09-2018, 07:27 AM | #769 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I am clear of any cancer in pancreas
Clear nodes in my body some calcification in abdomen something I already knew To find my heart is enlarged The flacanide is working having seen the cardio surgeon Will be on it for the rest of my life with elequis a blood thinner Pain specialist just printed out the scripts to keep the pain away from botched cervical fusion and a lower back I will not let anyone touch fear in all that has gone wrong I will now address the balloons in my chest as the right one has begun to deflate and is scratching the back wall of my innards and the left a double bubble So all is well I am happy to hear the news Having that worry taken away And only Heavenly Father to bring me home I can care for Eva without the worry of dealing with the c word Hope Hope Let my family see the hope Me
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11-10-2018, 05:12 AM | #770 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Even a chance to breath
A call from my daughter My addict daughter who is in a situation where it is mandatory for her to stay sober so she doesn’t go to jail the child I am caring for so she can get her life together TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT and THEY were planning to have more babies It is persons like my daughter and where she is in her life that has no business having a any more children When I asked HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN she tells me THEY were planning to have more children This from a man who calls me and tells me how he will chop her up into pieces and put her into suitcases and dosent care if he goes to jail This can’t be happening I am numb Jus ****inf numb While I have Eva in my care she gets pregnant to replace this child I can’t grasp this just can’t
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