You better be taking care of your grandchildren
Who are living
And the ones who didn't make it
You make me sick today
Sick
I will never throw in the towel
Like you did
The only joy I have in my life
My granddaughter
My children
My two sisters
Nephew
I let many go to do a job I wanted to take on
They have been shorted in life by their fathers
They abandoned them when they were babies
Just to spite me
They left them
And
As you robbed me of my natural process to becoming a young woman
You violated me and my sister
F****d us up
As my baby sister had to see the gun you killed yourself with
Today I wish I could have pulled the trigger
Todays new pain is just to much
Another reason why I hate you today
You better be watching over them babies who never made it in this family
You lowlife coward
Do your F*****g job
I did my best
God forgive us and the terrible choices we make because we try to fill that void that ONLY YOU KNOW
Only to suffer
And suffer
I gave up what only you know Father
I could not be a father to my girls
Nor not know how to be a father to my son
I am sure you are pleased at most of my child rearing
I feel good about the job I did
But we all suffer "THAT VOID"
And I know what it's like to dedicate my all
Good bad or indifferent
But as for my crappy father
Make him work
And take care of the babies that didn't make it in this family
Me

What happened to all of us
We were little a long time ago
And are these giant grownup that have no clue
We go through the motions of our daily routine
What happened to all the hopes and dreams
What happened to the spirit of Christ and his birth
Did we forget Emanuel

What is in the spirit of the Christmas holidays
For me
Family
To want to be in each otherÂ’s company
To WANT to be in otherÂ’s company
It is here we IÂ’ll be a family
We have each other that will have a part they have in this family
A seat in their role as when they were born

My fathers bitrhday it will be in another day
ItÂ’s been 47 years since we had him live in our company
CanÂ’t help but wonder what happened
Why did he go
So many unexplained questions that surface at certain times of the year
My youngest all in her glory soon to be twenty
Not a clue yet about where she is headed
It b
Needs to start
ThatÂ’s all there is to that
Start somewhere
School a part time job
Driving lessons
I am so happy she is home
Doing so much better health wise
She hasnÂ’t gotten a uti or any problems in that neck of the woods
I have been holding on
Giving her the time and it is here
She has a deadbeat father
Does not a thing to help her in the proper way
And it can be done
It is a difficult thing to have to deal with but know I will not give up on her
She will find her way
And it starts with the support of ones family
To have your family as your cheerleader
She can do it
And will do it
I have hope that she will see
There comes a time when I canÂ’t do it alone
It is s very trrrible place
And to watch your children not know how to lay s bill
Or what it means when abody is feverish I have a way
And with Eva here what better time to teach her as she said she would take care of her if my time come
So just reality
And it is tough
Very tough
Just to put someone else before self
It isnÂ’t easy but so can be done
I have hope I can help as she the one who had to go through the time her sister got high and they took the baby away
She is still going through those feelings
As it is a job to take care of another that is small and grows in ones care everyday
The people she is dependent on
I just want to cry
It hurts so badly
She is such a fun kid so smart
Still not exposed to the outside world other then the kids in school
And thatÂ’s not cool
ThatÂ’s not what it was like when my kids were in school
ItÂ’s my limitation
And then a family that is scattered
Terrible that mom and dad not allowed without sipervuson
Where is the other grandmother
They live with her
Andbin the same time
Eva is reserved not to want to be there
She doesnÂ’t like it
I never ever speak or ask what itÂ’s like when she is there
I hoped it was fun
Only to find out differently
I am so torn up
Into a thousand pieces
Never to be put together again
The pieces wouldnÂ’t fit
It would have changed
What can I say
I wish nothing but happiness for my family
Let the time together mean something
And notbe unhealthy
Let it be a good feel
Let it have a good feel
Please let the year strengthen them not to ever give up or give in
You sll matter all
Injesus name
Amen

Took himself out at 47

I have not been here in a very long time. Eva I was hoping your life was improving. I cannot help you from here but I can send HUZS

Eva’s mother another failed attempt and arguing with me about being with Eva
And having to make excuses why mom isn’t around
No more
Dear God
No more
I just doesn’t stop
Me

When one understands some things are just out of ones control
But we do and can make choices
Oh how many time at this point and time in my life
I never thought a thought of not waking up entered this mind
I know those thoughts brought on by meds I was on
It does horrible things to some of us
Mental disease do not taken seriously
With our president who is concerned what isn’t being done
Look at our vets
How many off themselves as ptsd ravaging ones mind and body
To wake and not know why our mind is where it is
Hard it is
So hard when not taken seriously
I remember those days he my father would have a bout of depression that would last for it seem like forever
Not in a million years did it ever enter my mind no matter how hard things got
But when my mind would not listen to what I was telling it
And it was a thought my shrink brushed it off
Fired him after 7 years
Wasted time
Had no problem writing out scripts
But to listen to what I was trying to explain nope
And I look at all of my tiny family
See and understand
It isn’t their fault
Doesn’t make things easier
If fact harder it becomes
And to have my granddaughter to worry over
Enjoy I do
Made honor roll again
To have learned that those with high iq’s suffer mental disease blew me away
I see it know it and can’t do anything about it
So little is known about the brain
Hoping sometime soon it will be addressed and taken seriously
However money the root of ALL evil trumps the real work that needs to be looked at
Hoping my daughter will come to a place she will understand why she can’t be around her child at this point and time
Sometimes I think when she does see her child it triggers negative thoughts
As if she were punishing herself
It’s so difficult to watch and I so understand
No answers
Me

Just the last three televised suicide
Has indeed triggered something
What I don’t know
But I understand their act
As if it were the answer
Knowing of course it is not an option
Not in my case
But I get them
Robins death is still with me
Never left
The struggles of addiction not chump change
Along with depression as we try so hard to mask it
Put it at bay
Not to deal with all the pain as there is just to much of it
And one just doesn’t know where to shove it anymore
If it’s not one thing it’s another
What had become of us
Isn’t anybody listening
All those professionals
Out for the buck
There is just a small few who really give a s**t
And we get up and put one foot in front of the other and just do
And wait for that time to come
Not a way to live
But it’s the truth in this ones case
Who will care
As there is no care now
Who will care
It won’t matter there won’t be anymore pain of any kind
All gone
I watched him cook and travel all over the world
His passion as it was mine
And that was taken from me
Take just like that
My family I have aren’t listening
They are loving their lives in a not very healthy manner
They too suffer extreme depression
But do nothing about it
My father took his life
Just like that
Out a gun to his heart knew how to do it as he was a hunter
I’m one shot
All gone
And the pain he suffered gone just like that
Where are they all going
Why are we suffering the mental pain along with addiction
I am a recovering alcoholic over three decades
Young I was when I new I had a problem
It never went away
Many tomes I think how much easier it would be to pick up a drink
As it is my drug of choice
And having to be a slave to these meds I’m on
Hate it
I so hate it all
I wish I could feel the happiness I see some experience
What happened to us
Me