Spent the weekend down by my baby sis place
What a different feel when just minutes from the ocean
Eva will be 7 in just a bit
We me Eva Corissa has a really good time
I got to relax
Eva had two big surprises
Both set up by baby sis
A Disney on tour event
She was in awe
And dinner out
She was so well behaved I was in awe
Asked the waitress for whatever she needed
She is growing up so quickly
I however will admit
Had a relaxing time
I needed it so badly
And what a difference it made
Me

So much pain in all forms
My child has landeded herself in jail
Will appear before the courts today
I hope and pray this be enough for her to leave him
Oh how cunning and manipulative he is
She just could not control him pushing her buttons
I have kept away and will not allow him near us
So mush pain
So much sorrow
So sad
And yet I must continue to do for this child
I am contemplating adopting her
I will wait just a bit and see what my child chooses
Me

Doesn’t take away the pain
In fact it hurts more to do so
How horrible my grandchild has no desire to speak with her mother or her horrific being of who we call the father
My child stuck on him
Not on the promises Heavenly Father gives
It hurts the worry that she will off herself
There isn’t a time that I can remember I haven’t had the fear
Someone is going to succeed
Not giving true submission a chance
When will they see this
I taught them all
I am their example
A hood one
Why can’t they see this


It ISNT EASY
Just because I manage to make it through the day
However hard it be
It seems I make it look easy to them
To have my children say
I’m not as strong as you mom
What are they taking about
I’m not strong I just do do the right thing
Terrible things happen
That’s just it

I went to my dermatologist yesterday
Brought my file on my medical history
Her nam Esther
Took a look at me and said Eva you look so much better the last time I seen you
Then looks at my history
Say there is a lot of stuff going on
I wonder to myself
How am I suppose to look
I don’t understand
I wear a shirt I have that is 35 years old
A pair of jeans
Sanders that have a strap on the heal as I cannot wear flip flops any more
Take a shower wash my hair put on some lipstick and I’m done
How am I suppose to show my insides
Is the outside suppose to match
Until I can keep my body looking it’s best I will do so
What does that mean

If I let myself go to match what I’m going through
I would have crumbled a long time ago

My grandchild my daughter the two who live with me
Need me as it gets harder
Not easier
Harder
She is seven
Had her since a infant
The time just running on bye

All I’m doing is just doing
Praying every morning
Heavenly Father give me the strength to push through this day with you holding my hand and never let me go
In God I trust
In Jesus I believe
Amen

As this now another something
Not so easy
As I asked
And it isn’t a genetic let down
One of the contributors is stress
How this heart cannot handle anymore of it
I will now be seeing a cardiologist
And tow test that two separate doctors ordering
Internal vaginal ultrasound as I began to bleed for 9 days and the vascular test
Enough already
Done
Me

Just the last three televised suicide
Has indeed triggered something
What I don’t know
But I understand their act
As if it were the answer
Knowing of course it is not an option
Not in my case
But I get them
Robins death is still with me
Never left
The struggles of addiction not chump change
Along with depression as we try so hard to mask it
Put it at bay
Not to deal with all the pain as there is just to much of it
And one just doesn’t know where to shove it anymore
If it’s not one thing it’s another
What had become of us
Isn’t anybody listening
All those professionals
Out for the buck
There is just a small few who really give a s**t
And we get up and put one foot in front of the other and just do
And wait for that time to come
Not a way to live
But it’s the truth in this ones case
Who will care
As there is no care now
Who will care
It won’t matter there won’t be anymore pain of any kind
All gone
I watched him cook and travel all over the world
His passion as it was mine
And that was taken from me
Take just like that
My family I have aren’t listening
They are loving their lives in a not very healthy manner
They too suffer extreme depression
But do nothing about it
My father took his life
Just like that
Out a gun to his heart knew how to do it as he was a hunter
I’m one shot
All gone
And the pain he suffered gone just like that
Where are they all going
Why are we suffering the mental pain along with addiction
I am a recovering alcoholic over three decades
Young I was when I new I had a problem
It never went away
Many tomes I think how much easier it would be to pick up a drink
As it is my drug of choice
And having to be a slave to these meds I’m on
Hate it
I so hate it all
I wish I could feel the happiness I see some experience
What happened to us
Me

Oh how depressing it is to have bad news come
As life around me just gets more difficult to handle
I do what only I can
And leave the rest to my Heavenly Father
In every days prayers I ask for relief
As I know he is taking care of me and the rest
I worry and just yesterday my worst fear having the inability to get my grand baby from school
Alone my car would not start after coming out of a facility on my way to get her
My alarm to the car just wouldn’t work
I’m a panic as my heart raced to run a long distance to my home and found a cab company on the way
Having just enough strength to pull myself together and calling the school while rushing to get home for the back up alarm the cab stayed took me back to my car it was the alarm
The doors opened without the alarm going off
Yes I was able to open it but not without the alarm going off putting the key in the ignition would not start
My worse fear came to light
In the end all was okay
The school principal said never worry
She is in good hands
Where was my family to help
None to turn to in this town
The cab was $6.00 I handed her a $20.00
Told her to keep the change
She said

So much of my message missing

Another diagnosis
arterial fribrillation
Me

Sorry to hear that you had to spend more time in the hospital. I hope you are doing better now that you are back home again.

You concerns so appreciated
I haven’t had a chance to collect myself
My child has taken flight with someone she met on social media
It has always been a strain
I have a difficult time with all that is happening
It is not my nature to become dependent as I have pushed so much down it now is eating away at my body
To have lost the ability to do all that I did to have lost the ability to work at 49 still haunts me
Eva is the only person left for me to raise
For the harder times are ahead
And there is fear that my last child took flight as she did
As a mother who made them first on all my decisions I failed myself
Putting myself last was the only mistake
I now pay the price
I am baffled how easily one can not care
Having to deal with all this pain both physically and more importantly mentally
I try my hardest to hand it over 100% but the Moyer in me takes back.1%
And it doesn’t work that way
I must hand it completely over
To have just been diagnosed with Raynaud and to learn number one cause be stress and two weeks later be laid up in the hospital and be diagnosed with atrial fibrillation is just like dying slowly
I have but this lifetime hoping to get it right
And I’m saddened by my own
I’m so sorry I didn’t let myself be loved for fear my children would be hurt in some way
And here I am
57 with a beautiful body that is so badly broken
My spirit to follow
My mind tells me what I gotta do but my body can’t follow
Depression is stress like pancakes on a plate smothered in sweet syrup only to make it taste good
But a killer
Silent it is
And I don’t even like pancakes
Whatever happened to me I wonder
How did I let myself into this mess
I’m fighting for my life to take care of a child who’s parents are not doing well
So here I lay praying that I get through another day with the Lords help and be careful and kinder to myself
As it is what it is
You concern so appreciated
Be kind to you
Me