[BwithT]

As I write this, I don't want anyone to get the impression that I am in a dangerous position. I am currently on antidepressants (cymbalta and welbutrin) and seeing a doctor regularly. I am venting, purging or whatever you want to call it. I need to just get these things out so that I am not living it alone. As many of you know, family often do not understand cronic pain, and my family is no exception. That just adds to the isolation I feel. I guess I am not even really looking for replies, just the knowledge that I am not alone. Now that the disclaimer is done...

I am normally the happy person, the one who always finds the funny side of life. I have always been a little on the warped side, nothing is too gross and any situation is fair game (death of a loved one excluded most of the time ). Nothing seen, said or done could make me lose my appetite. Then I hurt my back in a lifting accident at work and 14 months later everything is different.

After the accident, I had very little pain, just a burning sensation in my left buttock. The neurologic symptoms I was having were the problem; bowel & bladder control problems, loss of control of left knee, pins & needles in right toes, no reflexes in ankles and left knee. Almost 11 months later I had L3-S1 fusion, laminectomy with instrumentation. The main change is, now I have pain! I have back pain, paresthesia from above the left knee to toes and from spine to right hip. The paresthesia of the right hip presents mostly as a phantom itch that nothing can satisfy. My buttock was raw until the doctor added topamax to my regimen.

Speaking of pain, I am allergic to morphine and any derivatives, codeine and any derivatives (including anything with codone in the name) and most recently tramadol. So the only thing I can take for my moderate pain is darvocet with is about as effective as sugar pills. I grit my teeth when in pain which leads to headaches, jaw aches and loose teeth. The only saving grace is that I have a high pain tolerance, so it really doesn't slow me down too much.

My family expected me to be all better at 12 weeks post surgery because that's what the doctor said. They don't remember that when I when to my 10 week post-op appointment she took me off work for a year. She didn't increase my lifting restriction from 5 lbs. She told me I had to continue to use my quad cane. And most importantly she told me that it could be up to 2 years for me to heal if at all and that I may not ever be able to return to the job I love.

So here I am, sitting at home all alone, even with the family around me. I have no friends to come visit. My closest friend is busy, busy, busy. Another friend also has a back problem and can't stand to be around me because I have had something done with my back and the Dr.'s won't do anything for hers. My co-workers don't want to bother me and they work the night shift, so I don't know what's the best time to get in touch with them. And seeing them only makes my heart hurt more, thinking that I may not be able to go back to work.

I can drive now, finally, but it is very difficult getting in & out of the car. Plus, I can't sit upright for long, so a road trip is only possible if I have someone else drive. If I do go somewhere, I can't walk far, so there must be handicap access and equipment. Our K-mart doesn't even have an electric cart, just a wheelchair with a basket and bad bearings. The 2 grocery stores only have 1 electric cart each, so if another handicapped person is shopping at that store, I am SOL or vice versa.

I don't want this to be my life. I want to wake up in the morning and be healed. Or not wake up, just keep sleeping (one of the meds I am on is giving me really vivid funky dreams). I am going on a trip at the end of this month. I don't want to come back. I don't like it that my family doesn't understand, they try but...


So no one thinks I am a whiner, I will give you some background. My job; I walk several miles each night, open heavy doors (300 & 500 lb) between 100 & 200 times per night, walk up and down 6 very long concrete and steel stair cases, be able to respond to out of control adult male felon(s) with physical force if necessary.

Two years ago I had an abdominal hysterectomy. A couple days before the surgery one of my fibroids tore a hole through my uterus when I lifted 2 - 5 gal jugs of water. 5 hours after surgery I was only on nsaids. 2 weeks after surgery I was back to work.

I broke the long bone on the side of my foot and walked into the clinic. I told the receptionist that I thought I broke my foot and she just gave me that yah, right look and said, "when?!" When I told her, "about 20 minutes ago", she grabbed a wheel chair and had me sent for x-rays right away. My PCP & I then looked at the break on the x-rays, then we had an argument about postponing my yardsale I had scheduled for the next day. He said 2 weeks, I said it would go as planned, we settled on 1 week. I was in a hard soled shoe, but it made me walk funny & my back hurt so I threw it in the closet & never wore it again. My foot is fine.

I have done any number of things, healed well, healed fast. Nothing stops me, nothing slows me down. NOTHING GETS THE BEST OF ME. THIS CAN NOT BE MY LIFE! I know things would be worse had I not had the surgery, but why can't things be better. Why can't my husband understand all the time. He understands somethings, sometimes. He knows how close I was to paralysis and full blown caudia equina.

If you made it all the way though my post, thank you, it wasn't necessary, but again thank you. Just seeing it on the screen makes me feel better. Feel free to add your own vent. This can be a venom depository.