Hi,
OK so I have had nothing but good things going lately. Good grades, even though my heart is just not into school right now....Laura got my grandma's house, things are going a bit better physically, I started talking to my former best friend again yesterday after not talking for a few months following a big misunderstanding....and the list goes on.
But, I am so sad. Every time I have to go to school, or think about school, I get all frustrated and start crying....I can't wait to get back home where I can be by myself. I know school is important in reaching my goals of giving back to the mental health profession but I just don't feel like doing it. I am doing it for others, not for myself. My dream is to work on the ACT team as an advocate one day....and my therapist made an ID card type thing with the company logo, my picture, and name, etc. but I look at that and just wonder how I am ever going to get there.
I am really even having trouble doing everyday things like keeping my small apartment clean, washing dishes, laundry, etc. Laura thinks I am just being lazy about school and that stuff, but I am not. I am really having a hard time. I was on cogentin previously, and one of the reasons I was taken off it was extremely dry mouth. I couldn't even swallow....but anyway....since being taken off it, I haven't been doing well with things like attention span and sitting still in class. I do it, but I don't listen half the time to what is being said. It isn't that bad to do that in my other 2 classes, but not in children's lit. I am really afraid to tell my doctor this, for fear he is going to say I am looking for an out....but I am not. I am just struggling....and I think I need the cogentin added again. I don't think he will do it though.
For one, this is a terrible time of year for me. I haven't figured out why, but it is. I always end up in the crisis home or hospital about this time.
I told my therapist I wasn't doing too swift about going to school and all that, but I only told her part of the story....that the caravan I have to use is not reliable, cramped, and etc.
I have been previously dxed with social phobia, and I think it is rearing its ugly head once again. Either that or just a really stubborn bout of major depression that keeps hanging on even though things are going well (to an outsider)
I have thought about online classes to finish at least my bachelor's degree, but I don't do well without the interaction of the professors on a weekly basis. I have tried it before. I know it is not healthy, but I only see one way of solving this....to be by myself. But, that is one of my behaviors that I have when I am depressed that can lead to other bad behaviors for me.
Even though things seem to be going well, and I am told to focus on that, I truly feel like there is a chemical problem right now because I can't seem to feel good about stuff that I should. How do I go about showing the doctor how serious I am about this? (Aside from letting him read the posts) because I don't think he'd take it seriously enough...Is it a good idea to tell him that I feel at the last appointment, my feelings were discounted? I just don't think he'll listen.....because he'll see my success in my good grades and think I am just doing this for attention. He is that kind of guy. Unfortunately, I can't see another doctor because if I want to stay in ACT, I have to see this one. So, that is out.
I guess I just needed to vent, and any suggestions to help me through this would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.