(((((wish)))))

i am so sorry you have been abused. you have every right to your feelings. learning to express them is part of the healing.

being on a new med might be the cause of some of your feelings. have you ever kept a journal? they do help when going back to yur dr or your T. helps to remember your feelings, thoughts, dreams or any physical side effects. soem might go away the longer you are on the new med...or your dr might see right away that a change needs to me made.

i'm glad you feel confortable with your T. that is very important. if you can't verbalize with your dr...can you wrote it down and just hand it to him?

I have kept a journal for almost two years now. I started writing my feelings down a few months before I quit my last job. Which is that has to do with part of my pain as well. I had to quit my job because if I didn't I would have died working in the situation I was in. But I loved my job so much that I didn't want to quit. I was really sick from going to work that I was in bed for a good two months after I had signed the papers to quit my job. I took a month off before I even signed the papers even. So I was in bed for a good three months total with migraine headaches, bloody noses, hives, barely able to breathe, burns on my hands and all sorts of problems because of my allergies getting so bad. I haven't really been able to work since then either.

It all adds onto my stress of my life because it's hard to get by. It's hard to pay for medicines when I don't have any money coming in. I am in college trying to get a degree, but this semester has been so hard on me. I'm not even sure if I am going to pass all my classes this semester or not because everything has just been so hard. I keep going to church, I keep praying that something will come up to help me through all this. I keep writing and writing and writing my problems out, and each time I feel a little better. Then I usually end up back where I started off. I feel like I am just going around and around in circles with my life. Accepting new things and then having to reaccept the old problems. Also having to deal with my parents and I am still taking care of my younger sister, who is now 20 years old. It's just so hard. I really wish that life would get easier for me.

As far as telling my doctor how I feel, I had a friend come up to me today and she told me that she would go with me if I wanted her to. Though I really want to do this on my own because I feel like I owe it to myself to get the help I need to help me through all of these problems. I will do like I did last time. Just take a deep breath and close my eyes to talk.

((((((Wishful)))))),

If the prozac's gonna work for you, it'll probably take as much as 4 to 6 weeks before you notice a difference. Basically, it levels out your moods. You'll wake up one day and notice that everything is brighter and nicer. It's not a huge change -- just a leveling out.

That STILL leaves all the other stuff there though. Actually, and this is talking from own experience, you're more aware of the bad stuff, because you're not so numb and frozen anymore.

You know what it was like for me -- it was like a jigsaw puzzle. You pick up one piece and look at it really well and put it where it belongs. And a few more pieces fall into place. Then you pick up a really small piece and you notice that there's one place that it will fit but you have to move other pieces to put it where it belongs. It does sort of seem like you're going over the same stuff over and over again.

But, you're not really. Things are starting to fit together and fall into place. That creates a new and different person that you don't really know that well yet. She's the same person, she's figuring out places to put the pain and history so that they're part of experiences that she shares with millions of other people. It takes awhile to shift all that 'stuff' around until you're comfortable with it. It is possible. I've done it. And, it is WORTH IT.

The times when the silent tears show up indicate that you're getting close to realizing something really painful. Those are the times when you have to lighten up your expectations. Acknowledge how far you're come already. Acknowledge what a wonderful woman you were/are to take on the responsibility of parents and siblings. A lot of people in similar circumstances would have walked away. That makes you very special. You gave up a lot to become the family caretaker.

You have to make sure that you allow your SELF the same gentle, loving that you give to others. Tea in china cups. Take yourself to the movies. Take yourself out to dinner -- even if it's only Burger King.

Allow the love and gentleness that you've given to the rest of your family to flow over you and comfort you too.

You need to be at the top of list -- not at the bottom, and not on the last page.

You might be able to get some sort of assistance for your drugs. Take a look at my bookmarks:
Patient Assistance Programs
(press the [page-down] key three times)

You might also want to take a look at clinical trials I was in the clinical trials for prozac about 20 years ago and for duloxetine/cymbalta a couple of years ago. It's free. You don't pay for counseling or drugs. There are other types of therapy besides drugs, also. Behavioral therapies. If you have a long-standing history of depression like I do, you might have developed a 'personality disorder' like I did. There are therapies that teach you different ways of looking at yourself and your life -- ways that make everything easier to understand and to accept.

When you're way down in the bottom of the depression pit, try to get yourself around nature and flowers and animals and trees. Visit a garden shop. Or go to the mall and look at the animals in the pet shop. Or go to the aquarium or to the zoo and visit the animals. Or drive to the beach and sit and watch the waves. Nature and animals and the ocean help you to get your balance back -- they reconnect you with The Universe that you don't feel part of right now.

BIG HUGS. Take care of yourself.

Barb

Thank you Barb for making me realize the kind loving person that I really am. I do feel better tonight. I went to youth group and I prayed and I had the paster pray with me. I also had like four friends praying with me. I also had two other pasters pray with me. It was just really moving for me. I have rededicated my life to the lord and I feel so awesome right now. I know that things are really going to be ok. I sometimes forget to just pray and ask the lord for forgiviness. Tonight I prayed for that and I feel better. Thank you for your kind words and for helping me. *hugs*

Barb

Hi Wishfullthinking,

I'm so sorry things are going so rotten for you these days. I know how you feel. I've been there many times.
Trust me, it does get better.
Hang in there!
Take care,
Linda