I just feel like crying...my whole week has been nothing but bad. I hate it. I just wish that I could crawl back in bed and stay there forever. It doesn't help that I keep having dreams that I am angry with everyone. In my dream last night I was so angry that I started cutting myself on my legs with a plastic knife. What is up with that? I never cut myself. Why do I have so much anger built up inside of me? Why do I keep waking up wanting to cry? I just feel so frustrated and down today it isn't even funny. I wish I knew what to do...

(((wishfulthinking))) I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible. Have you tried exercising? It usually helps me when I'm in a bad place.

I do Pilates and Yoga every day! I had already done the Pilates part today. I still feel really down. Maybe by going to my classes will help me to get my mind off of things. I really hope it helps me!

((((((Wishfulthinking)))))),

Ohhh!!

I hate that you're feeling like that. I remember the feeling. I've spent most of my life battling depression.

Through all my [quote]life experience[unquote], I've learned that dreams aren't a "REAL" representation of what's going on inside us. They're puns -- plays on words.

When my Mom was sick, I had a dream about huge five-pound bugs bothering me. Woke up at 3 AM trying to figure out what the heck that meant -- finally figured out "Who's bugging me??" -- my Mom. I ended laughing so hard, I couldn't stop

Yours almost sounds like "cut it out"

I've found a really good (AKA 'weird') way of figuring out what's going on in my head. Get some BIG paper (11x17 at least) and BIG crayons and sit on the floor or on the bed and draw. Draw your life. Draw your pain. Make clouds and fill them with words. See if any of the filled clouds can be tied together.

It sounds like you've got something on your mind -- something that's bothering you -- and you've stuffed it down so that you don't have to pay attention to it for now. The Universe does not allow that. We need to take care of things that are bothering us.

Once you figure out what *IT* is, you can take some sort of action. The action might be as simple as just acknowledging that you've got this particular 'issue' that you can't deal with right now. Maybe there are bigger steps that can be taken. You won't know 'til you acknowledge what *IT* is.

I hope you can get yourself balanced out. I know how hard it is to function when you're in the middle of it. Any positive steps that you can take will help knock back the depression.

After I'd been in therapy for awhile, I woke up crying. I was crying because I missed my Father who had passed away. I had spent so many years entwined in the grief for my younger Brother who had committed suicide that I had never been able to grieve for anyone who had passed after him. I cried with the doctor; I cried with my husband; I cried alone -- finally I finished crying.

Tears only come during sleep when you have very deep heart-pain or soul-pain that you haven't finished with yet. It might help if you set an appointment with a psychiatrist/psychologist/social worker who's experienced in grief work. If you set a time limit on it (like six weeks) and focus your thoughts by writing between appointments, you can probably work this bit out.

It's hard work. I spent over 13 years in and out of various kinds of therapy to get over the suicide of my younger Brother. The work is hard but it's definitely worth it. We have to treat ourselves with the love and respect that we deserve.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

hi wishfulthinking

have you called your dr and talked about the dreams and the increase in anxiety? are you on any meds? new ones or changed dosages?

sometimes just talking about things helps. gets it all out.

we are good listeners if you think that will help.

My doctor had recently put me on Prozac like three weeks ago. There for a while I didn't even notice a difference in the way I feel. My therapist kept telling me that she expected the Prozac to start working right away. I know it can take a while before I see any benefits from it, I know this from watching both of my sisters go on one med and off another so many times. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything in my life.

I've been through all forms of abuse and neglect. My dad is disabled, my mom had to work most of my life. I had to take care of my younger sister and clean house every day. My parents really didn't care about what I was feeling or what I did with my life while growing up. They pushed me asside while they babied my older sister and younger sister. I have a ton of pain inside and I am trying so hard to just accept it. My dad has been disabled since I was 8 years old. My grandma on my mom's side, died when I was 7. I was molested when I was 5 or 6 years old. My older sister always abused me. My mom and dad always worked. I really didn't uncover being molested part until this past July so that is most recent pain that I am dealing with right now. It's so hard to accept that all of this has happened to me.

I see my doctor next week so hopefully I will be able to talk to him about all of this, but it's just so hard to. I can't even verbalize it with my therapist yet. I am way more comfortable around my therapist than I am my doctor. I really hate feeling this way but I really need to get it all out of me one way or another.

Oh no wonder you are depressed!! I hope you will talk to your dr. about everything you are feeling....talking is the path to healing. We care about you and want to listen. Gentle hugs to a hurting lady.

(((((wish)))))

i am so sorry you have been abused. you have every right to your feelings. learning to express them is part of the healing.

being on a new med might be the cause of some of your feelings. have you ever kept a journal? they do help when going back to yur dr or your T. helps to remember your feelings, thoughts, dreams or any physical side effects. soem might go away the longer you are on the new med...or your dr might see right away that a change needs to me made.

i'm glad you feel confortable with your T. that is very important. if you can't verbalize with your dr...can you wrote it down and just hand it to him?

I have kept a journal for almost two years now. I started writing my feelings down a few months before I quit my last job. Which is that has to do with part of my pain as well. I had to quit my job because if I didn't I would have died working in the situation I was in. But I loved my job so much that I didn't want to quit. I was really sick from going to work that I was in bed for a good two months after I had signed the papers to quit my job. I took a month off before I even signed the papers even. So I was in bed for a good three months total with migraine headaches, bloody noses, hives, barely able to breathe, burns on my hands and all sorts of problems because of my allergies getting so bad. I haven't really been able to work since then either.

It all adds onto my stress of my life because it's hard to get by. It's hard to pay for medicines when I don't have any money coming in. I am in college trying to get a degree, but this semester has been so hard on me. I'm not even sure if I am going to pass all my classes this semester or not because everything has just been so hard. I keep going to church, I keep praying that something will come up to help me through all this. I keep writing and writing and writing my problems out, and each time I feel a little better. Then I usually end up back where I started off. I feel like I am just going around and around in circles with my life. Accepting new things and then having to reaccept the old problems. Also having to deal with my parents and I am still taking care of my younger sister, who is now 20 years old. It's just so hard. I really wish that life would get easier for me.

As far as telling my doctor how I feel, I had a friend come up to me today and she told me that she would go with me if I wanted her to. Though I really want to do this on my own because I feel like I owe it to myself to get the help I need to help me through all of these problems. I will do like I did last time. Just take a deep breath and close my eyes to talk.

((((((Wishful)))))),

If the prozac's gonna work for you, it'll probably take as much as 4 to 6 weeks before you notice a difference. Basically, it levels out your moods. You'll wake up one day and notice that everything is brighter and nicer. It's not a huge change -- just a leveling out.

That STILL leaves all the other stuff there though. Actually, and this is talking from own experience, you're more aware of the bad stuff, because you're not so numb and frozen anymore.

You know what it was like for me -- it was like a jigsaw puzzle. You pick up one piece and look at it really well and put it where it belongs. And a few more pieces fall into place. Then you pick up a really small piece and you notice that there's one place that it will fit but you have to move other pieces to put it where it belongs. It does sort of seem like you're going over the same stuff over and over again.

But, you're not really. Things are starting to fit together and fall into place. That creates a new and different person that you don't really know that well yet. She's the same person, she's figuring out places to put the pain and history so that they're part of experiences that she shares with millions of other people. It takes awhile to shift all that 'stuff' around until you're comfortable with it. It is possible. I've done it. And, it is WORTH IT.

The times when the silent tears show up indicate that you're getting close to realizing something really painful. Those are the times when you have to lighten up your expectations. Acknowledge how far you're come already. Acknowledge what a wonderful woman you were/are to take on the responsibility of parents and siblings. A lot of people in similar circumstances would have walked away. That makes you very special. You gave up a lot to become the family caretaker.

You have to make sure that you allow your SELF the same gentle, loving that you give to others. Tea in china cups. Take yourself to the movies. Take yourself out to dinner -- even if it's only Burger King.

Allow the love and gentleness that you've given to the rest of your family to flow over you and comfort you too.

You need to be at the top of list -- not at the bottom, and not on the last page.

You might be able to get some sort of assistance for your drugs. Take a look at my bookmarks:
Patient Assistance Programs
(press the [page-down] key three times)

You might also want to take a look at clinical trials I was in the clinical trials for prozac about 20 years ago and for duloxetine/cymbalta a couple of years ago. It's free. You don't pay for counseling or drugs. There are other types of therapy besides drugs, also. Behavioral therapies. If you have a long-standing history of depression like I do, you might have developed a 'personality disorder' like I did. There are therapies that teach you different ways of looking at yourself and your life -- ways that make everything easier to understand and to accept.

When you're way down in the bottom of the depression pit, try to get yourself around nature and flowers and animals and trees. Visit a garden shop. Or go to the mall and look at the animals in the pet shop. Or go to the aquarium or to the zoo and visit the animals. Or drive to the beach and sit and watch the waves. Nature and animals and the ocean help you to get your balance back -- they reconnect you with The Universe that you don't feel part of right now.

BIG HUGS. Take care of yourself.

Barb