Hi everyone, I wasn't sure if I should be posting this here or in the Care givers forum but I figured there would be people here that know more on this subject than the Care givers. It's my husband. I don't know what to do with him anymore. He has advanced type II. Has had it about 20 years now, although he lies to new Dr's and tells them just 5 years. They have to know he's lying because of his symptoms. He has neuropathy, retinopathy, cateraks, kidney failure, and I think he's in congestive heart failure as evidenced by the edema and difficulty breathing. He had lost a lot of weight about 10 yrs ago and kept it off for some time. But since he became legally blind and had to go on disability a few years ago, all he does is sit around. Worse now there is something wrong with his mind I think. We noticed he was becoming more forgetful earlier this year, and now he seems unreasonably combatative. He tends to lecture people, and when he tries to make a statement or establish a rational for something, by the time he's done nothing he has said makes any sense (to anybody but himself that is). I'm at my wits end. Oh, and I should mention that I'm not living with him right now either because I'm taking care of his elderly and dying Mother and he refuses to live with her. (she's quite difficult herself) Sooooo, my dear friends, any thoughts?

Oh Idas I am so sorry to read this...waaaay more on your plate then anyone should have. I think you know what your options are..none of them easy. We had to put my dad in the nursing home when he became combative and my mom became afraid of him. At least there, he could be cared for by a team and it wasn't one persons responsibility.
Those hard decisions are hopefully made with love...I know yours would be....

Thanks Alffe for your response. The only thing is that I don't think they would consider him incompetent at this point. He is responsive and capable of making decisions and able to live independently. Just not making good decisions about his health. He thinks he's controlling his numbers, but on any given day I'll see readings from 50 up to 280. He is insulin dependant, tests regularly. Says he knows his body takes like 4 hrs to react after he injects. And since his Dr. told him his kidneys are failing, he hasn't gone back. It's been at least 6 months since he's been to see him. Dr. ordered more lab tests, but he wont go. He hasn't modified his diet except for limiting sweets. He eats way too much red meat and carbs but no fruits or dairy. And in no way does he stick to a schedule. He eats usually only twice a day, "when he is hungry", but weighs at least 300 lbs. He drinks occasionally but when he does-he gets drunk. Also, he has insomnia which probably affects his ability to think clearly. I can call his Dr. and tell on him, but can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do at this point.

Hi Idas! I am so sorry that your life is so difficult right now....your plate sure is full! It must be so heartwrenching to see your husband go downhill and be so stubborn about things. I am sending you a hugfrom my heart.

Hi. My name is Melody.

I'm taking this out of the post that you wrote:

"He hasn't modified his diet except for limiting sweets. He eats way too much red meat and carbs but no fruits or dairy. And in no way does he stick to a schedule. He eats usually only twice a day, "when he is hungry", but weighs at least 300 lbs. He drinks occasionally but when he does-he gets drunk. Also, he has insomnia which probably affects his ability to think clearly. I can call his Dr. and tell on him, but can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do at this point."

Unfortunately, you husband is a food addict and the result of this condition is that he weighs 300 lbs, which robs him of any energy, and has contributed to his health woes, WHICH DO NOT GET BETTER IF YOU CONTINUE TO WEIGH 300 LBS.

And the fact that he drinks and gets drunk, well what can I say. It's extremely destructive behavior.

You are to be commended for staying with him, for continuing to support him, and indeed, for taking care of his mother, WHEN HE WON'T HELP YOU DO IT.

(by the way, some would call this co-dependant behavior), but I really think you are doing what you need to do.

You are surviving by the way.

That's all one can do. Your husband is on a self-destruct course. You can't change him. You CAN however change how you react to him.

You must (if this is at all possible), think OF YOUR OWN HEALTH AND YOUR OWN NEEDS.

Not an easy thing given what you are going through.

It is NOT EASY when we have to stand by and witness a loved one slowly destroy themselves.

I myself have had to get that lightbulb moment. Only when I did, did I take my own life in my own hands and get HEALTHIER.

It's not a five minute, overnight quick fix. I had to get the support of nutritionist, I went on message boards, I went to support group meetings.

I had to finally understand that I MATTER.

Let me tell you one thing, honey.

YOU MATTER TOO!!!

Don't forget that.

I wish you well.

Love, Melody

Hi Melody,
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the candor and yeah, since I was raised in a household of alcoholics, you've certainly hit the co-dependency nail right on the head. Oh, I'ts good to feel understood. I think I understand what your saying about changing how I react to him, and that I'm just surviving. You got that right also (wow, your very intuitive). Although It's not easy taking care of his mother, In many ways it's been beneficial for me. The distance from him helps me to step back a bit from the situation. The only thing is that I worry that I'm being too passive in his case since I've noticed he seems to be irrational at times. You know like, when he's trying to form an argument he ends up contradicting himself, but it seems to make perfect sense to him. The bad part is sometimes I wonder if it's him, or am I just confused? But then I seem to be able to comprehend everybody else, so it must be him. . . right? Oye!! it can drive a person nutty. Anyway, the real question is; where does my responsibility begin and end under these circumstances? As I said before, he's functional. Unless you took the time to really talk with him you wouldn't notice that he's not running on all 4 cylinders. When is a loved one supposed to intervene?

Dorre, your so sweet! I actually feel warm all over as if you were right here giving me a hugg.

Thanks, I needed that

When is a loved one supposed to intervene?

NOW!!!

Call up his physician (and yeah, I know about all the confidentiality stuff, but if you are WORRIED about his mental health, in my opinion, his doctor should take you seriously).

Write all your concerns down on a piece of paper. All his behaviors that have you troubled.

Run it by the doctor. See what HE says.

I really don't know if there's anything that you CAN do but whatever you can do, do it.

Then focus on YOURSELF.

I haved lots of friends who don't take the time to do this and now they are in crisis after crisis. I can't tell you how many times I'm on the phone every night when a friend calls me and she's drunk (BECAUSE HER SON IS A RAGING ALCOHOLIC AND WON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE).

She knows what she has to do (GO TO AA) and focus on herself. It's very very hard to see one's loved ones destroying themselves. I just say "you know what you have to do, get yourself to an AA meeting".

Sometimes you have to put yourself first.

Believe me, I have a lot of experience in this department. I had to detach from my own son.

My health was in the toilet. I finally listened to what others were saying. I spoke to professionals. I got the best advice someone can get.

So I'm passing it on.

Don't kill yourself any more.

Co-dependancy is a tricky thing. Sometimes you feel you have no choice.

Believe me, we have choices.

I wish you well.

Melody

Ok Melody-I'll do it. I'll let you know what the Doctor says.

Thanks for the advise

No problem. Good Luck!!!
Melody