[SDFencer]

OK, in another area I have mentioned that I have had 2 brain surgeries, 3 strokes and 4 seizures. A fusiform (nasty) aneurysm in my basilar artery was stented and then I managed to grow a new aneurysm at the basilar tip so I bought a craniotomy and basilar bypass. At my latest follow up angiogram I learn the bypass is occluded and the aneurysms are growing again so I have an exploding head.

I have moved from able bodied fencing to wheelchair fencing, which is fun. While I can walk (not far), I have to be wheeled through airports which kills me to have people stare at me.

I am weak as a kitten, can’t play with my grandsons the way I want. I lost my job a year ago and it kills me not to work. As tax time rolls around I’m afraid we are going to get killed and we are planning to break into our retirement savings. (look at this as an early retirement says my doc. But I wasn’t ready to retire says I.

Daily I take my own PDR of medications to keep me from seizing again. While my family is concerned. I still feel like they are giving me the “rub some dirt on it and walk it off. I am deathly afraid of losing my wife. I don’t know how she has stayed with me through all this crap. I just can’t help feeling this is all my fault. I do pay for it a little because I am an unperson already. Conversations go around me. People will ask my wife a question that could have been directed to me and I am sitting right there. My mind works, I just have trouble getting it out. Oh, and did I mention my wife hasn’t touched me in years?

I just sleep the entire afternoon away because it makes the day pass. Oh, I should mention that I am still good as a galley slave. Can nobody run the dishwasher, or empty it, or fill it? I’m starting to believe all the talk that I can’t do some things. HOW DOTHEY KNOW? Cripes. I am starting to believe it.

I’ve even looked into running away to another city. But I can’t afford it. I hate this.