[Ponygirl]

I've known this person for a couple, years, now, 'cause, we're in
some support-groups, together. Anyhow, this guy is a running
*fanatic*!!! I mean, he runs, *miles*, daily!!!...Lol
Anyhow, when we first, became friends, he would tease me and pick
on me, about, every, little thing!!..Lol It was like, he was my
older "brother" and I was the kid sister, because, he *acted* like, an
older "brother", towards, me. At one point, I did send him an e-mail,
telling him how I felt! He never responded! So, I don't know,
whether, he was uncomfortable with what I said, or, what???
I never asked, because, I didn't want to make him more,
uncomfortable! Anyhow, lately, he's *really* changed,
towards, me!! I mean, I'm *lucky*, *if*, I get a "hello", from
him?!? Again, for his benefit, I haven't asked. I'm wondering,
whether, he thinks, I think of him as more than, a friend, which,
now, makes him uncomfortable?!?!? Knowing, he's a major
fan of running, the other day, I came across a really nice book,
about,running! So, naturally, I thought of him, so, I couldn't
help, picking it up for him!! Now, I'm going to be seeing him
on Wed. for our group. My question is, do I give him the book,
even, after the change, in, how he treats me?!?!? I mean,
it's about his *biggest* passion, *ever*!!! However, I *don't* want to make him
more, uncomfortable, if, it's happening, already?!? I mean, *he*
makes *me* come to care about *him*, now, *he's* pulling
away! What do I do????

Phyllis

[Ponygirl]

Bump!!


Phyllis

[Kitty]

I've found, through experience, that if you are just a little out of his reach he'll seek you out. If you make yourself too available and shower him with attention he'll bolt. This has just been my experience. It seems like "game playing" but for some reason it's always worked.

P.S. I'd hold onto the book for a while.

[Ponygirl]

Joe and I are, both, on Face-Book. He knows, I'd like to be added to
his face-book "friends" list, but, he *claims*, he's "not adding any, more friends
at, this time." That doesn't make any sense, because, a *bunch* of our
mutual support-group friends are on his face-book "friends" list.
Wouldn't you think, he'd *want* me on it, *if*, he was *remotely*, interested???

Phyllis

[mrsD]

I think not willing to let you share on his FB is a very telling thing.

How old is this guy? Is he an older bachelor? Ever been married or in a successful relationship? Does he have a pet, that he loves? Does he treat service people in public in a shabby way? Like waitresses or salespeople? People who do that are self centered and selfish. Does he complain alot about how he is "treated" in some situations? Does he hate waiting in lines for service? You obviously see him in real life, so you would have seen how he treats others.

I have found that men who remain bachelors, and never commit to a relationship have odd behaviors, and "reasons" for being so.
Some men are VERY self centered. The more so, the worse for any female in their lives! If he is a narcissist, you'd best beware and avoid any entanglements, beyond the superficial.

I personally think that too much teasing (as in the older brother stuff), can become rather revealing of a hostile personality. Some teasing can be fun, but lots of teasing becomes demeaning to the victim and reveals a bit of sadistic pleasure in the giver. Young people tease alot these days...and I know my son, who is rather sensitive never never liked it! It sets up a gradient of the victim being "less" than the teaser ...who needs to feel superior. When it is done in excess, as a major communication tool, it reflects immature and selfish attitudes IMO.

[Ponygirl]

I'm 44, Joe is 60. He's been married 3 times. I've always been single.
His first marriage ended, because, they just weren't compatible and always bickering. His second marriage ended, because, his wife became
a drug-addict and, one day, he came home and found her on the floor,
dead. That's what lead to his major anxiety and depression.
So, by his last marriage, he'd come down with Depression and anxiety,
already. Anyhow, he has a couple of sons from his marriage to the
woman, who, got hooked on drugs. One of his sons, also, had marital issues and was calling Joe at all hours of the night and day, for support and someone to talk to. Also, one of his sons had a beautiful 3 year old son, who, came down with Cancer and, just, recently, passed away.
So, Joe had to be a rock for his son, all, during that major ordeal.
So, there ya go! Major, major trauma in his life, in, a very short period of time. Anyhow, he's really, very good to everyone including, me, aside,
from this Face-Book, issue. I just don't understand, why, our other friends are on his face-book "friends" page, but, he won't add *me*???

Phyllis

[mrsD]

Well, he probably doesn't want or need a relationship with a woman at this time.

I know many women who don't want any relationships with men after their marriages ended for whatever reasons.

Keeping things simple in his mind might be an prevention of future pain. Some people are just like that.

I agree with Kitty so far, don't give him the book, yet.

[Ponygirl]

*I* *don't* want a relationship!! I think of him as, an older brother,
nothing, more, nothing, less! I told him, this, in an E-mall.
He never responded. But, he's been wonderful to me when we meet
for our support-group. It's *just*, this, Face-Book, issue???

Phyllis

[mrsD]

People can perceive things based on their own experience. It is really hard to predict what they want or mean sometimes.

Men often don't discuss verbally "feelings"... and are uncomfortable with that mode. But if you look at ACTIONS/behaviors often the answers are expressed that way.

In this case this guy is expressing something to you, regarding FB membership. This is his way of dealing with this issue. It is obviously not YOUR way, and so you don't understand it.

I think FB is highly overrated. It might be handy for businesses, and groups...and I do have some faves in that category. But I don't myself feel comfortable having alot people on our friends list and reading what coffee they are having this morning, or every detail of their lives. We have a few close friends and that is it. Once the list gets long it becomes a chore to read it all IMO. On the other hand some people LOVE FB... and they have high social needs and FB provides that connection.

I think we all have to accept that these differences exist, and not let them emotionally have negative impacts on our daily lives.

[Kitty]

Phyllis, I think we (as women) often read more into things than men do. He probably doesn't even realize that you are upset by the fact he hasn't added you to his FB "friends" list.

I used to overthink things and come to my own conclusions only to find out later that I had gotten all worked up for no reason.

I've been single now for close to 10 years. My DH passed away in 2001. I dated a few men and had a couple of "relationships" since then but learned that I just don't have the emotional energy to invest in a new relationship.

Maybe Joe wanted more of a relationship with you and your email made him realize that you aren't interested in him "that way". He could possibly be pulling away to protect his feelings? I don't know...just a thought. Maybe just give him some time and he'll come around. It sounds like he's had alot of hurt in his life. I can understand his wanting to protect his heart.