This is a hard one for me since I am on the spousal side. Since this is something new, I would suspect it has something to do with the flare, maybe. I just don't know because as a spouse I would question it as well. Please do not think ill of me, just giving you the spouse side as best I can. I told Trish I didn't even know how to respond and be bias.

However, with that being said, I do hope you seek some sort of help because this is not normal. When I read your first post I knew immediately this is not the Faith we "know" at all. It seems strange that your husband would not feel the same way. But, with that said, I can also feel his pain and his anger that you would even think about a site like that because you weren't getting any at home. That's not a judgment, it's how a spouse would feel.

I know if Jim did something like this my first reaction would be hurt and utter devastation that he even thought to go and solicit sex from someone else. In our world sex is not a priority in our relationship at all. It's good, don't get me wrong, and yes we still do. But if I had to go without it's all good in that sense as well. Intimacy is more of a priority for us. So, yeah, if Jim even thought about what you almost did I would be hurt and feel my world was turned upside down.

I think your husband may be feeling the same way. Think about it, he is having issues in that area too. To have his wife look outside the marital home must be a huge blow to his ego. He may be hiding it behind his anger so you don't see the hurt. I think anger is a normal and appropriate response to this and I think you need to give him time to digest it all and grieve it.

If this is a medical problem brought on by your flare than you need to prove that to him. Yes, prove it because not everyone would jump to that conclusion if they do not have ms or know what a flare can do. Hell, even I didn't know it until your post. I truly am sorry your going through this, I really am because this is not like you. Please get to a doctor and get this resolved so your husband can see that it may be related to your flare.

I know your thinking why should you have to prove that to him or yourself? Because this is your marriage and he will need to know that is the reason behind your behavior. Only then will he be able to move passed it and forgive. Even if it's not due to the flare he may be able to get passed it but that will take some time as well.

Please do not think I am judging you. Just wanted you to see the other side and why he may be behaving like that. We spouses who stay, and there are many who do, stay because we love our spouse. MS is not a factor and never will be. But when something like this happens, it crushes everything we believe in and makes us wonder why we tried? Hope that makes sense.

I do hope you two work it out. Be honest and open with him. He's only human.

Faith

I can't make my thoughts come out cohesively right now so I hope you don't take this wrong, but I'm seeing both sides in a way. You know that you often lose touch with reality when in a flare. He knows that, too. Just the fact that you are posting details like this seems out of character for you.

You are probably worried that he is never going to ease up. I hope that once you are out of this flare, that things will normalize. I hope that the steroids work quickly and that you don't require long term hospitalization like in the past. I will pray for you.

His ego was probably suffering even before this because of his decreased performance. Men are so much more sensitive to that than women are. I agree with Sandy that he is probably feeling very hurt and is also reacting to that.

You know you are a dear friend, Faith, and that is why I really do want you to go seek counseling and the day hospital option is great. Get an impartial professional opinion about what is right and wrong in this situation. If you are having mental health sx from the flare, you are most likely not thinking clearly about anything right now.

I actually thought that you had provisions in place for your husband to take actions like this when you have a flare of this type. Think about how horrified you would be if you came out of this flare and found out that you had done something immoral. I think that would devastate you because of what a strong Christian you are.

Please, please, please do not take this wrong. You are so very loved and I am very worried about your frame of mind. I hope the steroids snap you out of this quickly and I hope your husband eases up. You have my e-mail address if you need to talk more.

Am considering day hospital, mostly to ease DH's concerns. Following the confrontation/knowledge that he found out what I was planning, and his assessment that it was related to a flare, my interest in pursing those types of activities were immediately gone. I do not see a need for follow-up for me, personally, other than the steroids.

Had not considered, on my own, at all, that the behavior would be caused by a flare, but, as it is so entirely out of character for me, and I have been mostly happily married for 25 yrs, there is no other explanation that makes sense.

I guess the posting details is something we do here. We all experience different symptoms, some of them odd and unusual. It would be helpful for me to hear if others have had anything similar happen to them. We trust each other, and, even if we didn't, there is anonymity here.

This is not "facebook" material. It is for others w/ MS.

I didn't take anything wrong, Holly. As you said, you are a dear friend.

~ Faith

Thx for your reply, Sandy. Yes, not "getting it at home", by itself would not be a reason to seek someone else. But, when there is skewed thinking related to an illness, that is not difficult for me to understand. Over the 8 yrs that I've had MS, my symptoms have been so many and so varied, that nothing will surprise either me or DH.

He is the one that clued in to it being a symptom of the disease. He knows how oddly it can, and has affected me. Although he is hurt and angry, he is usually not blaming, and he will forgive me, because it was not me. I had no control, or concept that, under the circumstances, this could actually be wrong. It was very easy to justify it, even tho, in my head, I knew that it would be breaking marriage vows.

Not sure that proof is possible. Might have been, 5 days ago, prior to steroids, if I'd had an MRI, but inflammation is likely to be gone. Is there another clinical way to prove a flare?

Also not sure that proof is necessary, as he believes that it is a result of my MS.

~ Faith

Faith - I don't think there is a way to clinically prove this and a physician may be hard pressed to get in the middle by saying one way or another because it would be difficult to prove. If you know what I mean. However, discussing this with your neuro, imo, is important. And, yes, this is out of character for you and definitely a cause for concern - as many of us on here expressed.

The brain is so complex, hence the neuros can't grasp it all - they're just "practicing". j/k any neuros reading this. With many brain damaged patients (MS or not) there are a plethora of behavioral/personality changes that CAN take place. Some subtle, some not so subtle. Throw in some medications, depression issues, hormones, etc., etc. and . . .

I did find this and thought you might find it interesting. . . (Maybe that could be your "proof"). This could possibly, and I use possibly lightly as I am not in your situation, etc., be what you are experiencing.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12056938

The bigger issue here is to not sweep it under the carpet because DH is forgiving. It may lay dormant under the carpet and resurface. Please, talk to your dr about this.

I thought you said he was not being reasonable which is why I mentioned proof. I do believe since this is so out of character and may be related to your ms a doctor could confirm the possibility. The main question will more likely be is it something caused by ms or something enitrely different? Either way, it needs to be evaluated and I am glad your taking steps to find out. Much prayers to both of you.

tkrik -- Talk to my doc about what? the article says the opposite of what happened to me.

a peice of that article speaks about DYS function, but the next sentence says

In contrast, hypersexual behavior and paraphilias are distinctly uncommon in this population of patients, but have been associated with various focal brain lesions


This is the leg to stand on. You are RARE in what is happening to you, but not ALONE. Others have it Documented as a REAL happening in MS folks.

Thx, Dej. It IS helpful to know that I am not alone. MS is, already, not a hugely common disease whose "typical" symptoms are often odd. It is comforting to know that symptoms as bizarre and unacceptable as mine are not alone.

I don't know the person who did these things.

~ Faith