In a few minutes it will be midnight - officially November 30, - my 49th birthday though technically my birthday IS NOT until 8:42 am - the time I entered this world.

In the preceeding weeks I have experienced a lot of ups & downs (mostly downs) about getting older & the MS progressing (the fact that mom turns 80 9 days after my birday also does not help). As I struggled to get ready to go out this morning I started to realize that like many I focus on the signs of MS people see; my loss of balance, frequent falls, walking problems then it hit me - THESE ARE NOT THE THINGS THAT DEPRESS ME With problems such as those mentioned I COULD make a pretty good life for myself; maybe even hold a job again. The things that are the MOST FRIGHTENING & the things that PREVENT ME FROM LIVING ALONE are the little things, little things that most people take for granted...

Drying off after a shower without help
Being able to brush the back of my hair without help
Being able to wear shirts or pants with buttons (can't do those buttons anymore)
Being able to tie shoes (and/ or sweatpants)
Being able to zip a jacket without having to attach a large ring to it to help me
Remembering to take my meds without a noisy "voice alarm" reminding me 4 times a day
Being able to plan events day OR night & NOT having to think - is it really safe for me (or anyone else) if I drive at night?
Being able to plan & organize my day without people having to remind me in a variety of ways what it is I need to accomplish for the day
Being able to cook independently (can't do this because several times I forgot to turn off the stove or oven)
Being able to go to familiar places without someone helping me plan an elaborate "direction" plan so I DO NOT get lost
Being able to check my sugar at the times I should so I DID NOT always have to take my dog everywhere with me (I love Espy to death but sometimes I would like to go out without her)
Not having to miss parties or social events because it is too far for me to drive alone
Being able to get in & out of bed without a variety of devices to assist me
Being able to get in & out of my van without a variety of devices to assist me
And something only women can appreciate - not being able to hook my own bra

It hit me this morning that we learn to dress ourselves around age 3 (at least I did) & we assume this is something that we will not ever need assistance with again - THEN ALONG COMES MS.

So as I turn 49 (in a few hours) it dawns on me I am reverting to my childhood in many ways, needing to rely on others for asssistance, having someone cut my food up small (hand problems & swalllowing problems), having someone help bathe me & someone help me brush my hair & I would be amiss if I left out the fact that I am always wetting my pants or the bed or both.

No this IS NOT how I pictured myself at 49 but life has never gone as planned for me. I approach this birthday with some mixed emotions. I think just since my last birthday how many more things I cannot do independently & it leaves me to wonder - what will 50 bring?

My bio dad died at age 26 (before he knew there would be a me) & in some ways I have to be grateful because I am seeing many more years than my dad ever did. I am trying to revamp my "life plan" find a direction that is both manageable & comfortable for me. I try to present a good "front" when people brag about how well I cope but when I am alone at night is when the fear sets in.

I know starting early tomorrow my phone will begin ringing with well wishers & I will need to be "happy" "happy" but no one could know my underlying fears.

When people ask "how are you?" I usually give the socially correct answer "fine" but once in a while I wish SOMEONE would say "cut the ******** HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?"