[kicker]

Last night there was pain. I pulled a "House". I suspected he popped several Vicodin at a time (I do realize this is a TV character with lines written by those who may not really know, but....). I want to sleep ,I took two last night. Today I feel terrible. Hung-over, a little nauseous and the head hurts. As if I have dove to the bottom of a muddy lake, I finally resurface. I'm OK (well for me and MS). The clouds clear, the tummy is ok, I know it could be way worse. But what about the day the other shoe drops hard and the clouds don't clear fully? The other knee hurts. Was it just like that before I lost function of the other fully? What if I can no longer self-toilet one day? One eye felt weird. Will it get worse? MS sucks. I'm waiting for the other shoe and missing "OK" now.

[Kitty]

Kicker I know that feeling of dread. Maybe it's just the weather changes. I know I'm feeling more sx right now - some I've had before and some I haven't - and it always happens with temp changes or if a storm is brewing. I really hope it's just a temporary thing - but I do understand the feeling of "what if". It's unsettling.

[Blessings2You]

You have my empathy and prayers this morning. My worst symptom is "what if". My dad had MS, and though my parents were optimists, there was always that cloud hanging over us, that other shoe: Tomorrow might be the day he won't be able to get out of bed.

Every time Dad had extra aches and pains, or odd feelings, we all tensed up...was this it? But it never was. He got up and down stairs on his own steam until a few days before he died of non-MS issues. And I struggle with the same junk. MS bites. You never know.

Hoping for the best for you.

[Aarcyn]

I hate the "what if" game. It is hard to think about the unknown.

As with everything, you will deal with whatever happens. I am sure that twenty years ago, if you had any idea that your arm/leg were going to stop working, you would have played the "what if" game and wonder how you are coping with what MS has done so far.

"What if" I had never had MS and never visited this forum? I would have had less character because I would not have known you and learned about you.

[kicker]

I know if I play the "what if" game, I might hear the bus coming to get one of us, but sometimes thoughts that ought not creep in, if only for a second. But it feels so long. I do know worry never helps anything.

I do OK, but sometimes I feel cruddy and aren't very strong it seems for awhile.

[SallyC]

I have a little cry about every other day about the fear of losing my independence. It's a short fleeting cry and don't wallow in it.

I believe that God will give me the strength to carry on, as is, for as long as I'm needed. All I can do is pray for his strength and guidance every day.

I so hear you, Kicky..

[kicker]

Originally Posted by Aarcyn

I would have had less character because I would not have known you and learned about you.

Aarcyn, you'd always be a character!!

[NeuroNixed Craig]

Kicker,

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of these circumstances, yet adding even more stress to yourself by spending valuable time worrying about the other shoe dropping, when there may only have been one shoe in the box.

I understand, appreciate, empathize, and sympathize with what you are experiencing. But ask yourself the question, "Is this the way I want to live?" Your points are valid and your questions are valid, but are they currently relative to making the best of your time now?

Over medication seems like a good idea, even for a short-term fix as I've been there and done that with the exact same results. Those results I have coined the phrase as a "Dyson" moments. (Dyson is the strongest vacuum cleaner on the market today, therefor it is at the top of the "sucking" food chain, right?)

We all play the "what if" game in our heads at different times, levels, and intensities so you are not alone there. It's at what point do WE choose to draw the line and stop giving the "what if" questions permission to have such power over our lives? I've tried to limit my "what if" days to maybe three or four a month. I realize they make to difference to me in reality, but it does actually feel better to recognize and experience it just to relieve that pressure. It and you are not "un-normal" as a result. It's just another facet of chronic illness we all must deal with on our own terms.

Kicker, you are a strong person, been around here helping other people for a long time. Keep having "what if" days, just consider limiting them to specific time periods and then forget about it. This is only my suggestion because I don't know if there really is a true answer to that part of our concerns from being chronically ill.