(((( Mariel ))))

Well said Lynn and well worth taking to heart cd.

Sally: I think that people say those sorts of things because they lack the personal experience/insight and are at a loss for something more compassionate to say. Recently, when he said something similar to me, I think that I shocked my GI surgeon by bringing it into a perspective that he could better understand.

"That may be true, but imagine yourself waking up one fine morning in pain, only to find that you have suffered a stroke and that you can no longer think or see clearly and can not feel your spastic arms & hands; much less use them.
Your career, 12+ years of education, your independance and your future plans...all down the tubes. Would it make you feel better to have someone say to you in the midst of your physical and emotional suffering, "Despite even the best efforts, everyone's body deteriorates in some way over time?"

I remain hopeful that he'll remember that the next time he feels the need to spout off that sort of "wisdom."

With love, Erika

Oh yes, Mariel, I meant to say to you as well that I am sorry about the rubbish that was said to you.

Funny isn't it? I have lost people I thought were my closest friends over this? I haven't morphed into some kind of monster, and I certainly don't think I am any less of a person because I may have less physical ability in some way or another.

I had lost my dear Mum when I was diagnosed, but my Dad certainly couldn't cope with the prospect of my diagnosis. I think he blamed himself and didn't know what to do or what to say about it. He died shortly after, so there was never a resolution.

People cope in so many different ways - and often the people who have the most to cope with, cope the best.

I think I already posted almost the same thing I am about to say on somebody else's thread a year or two ago, but FWIW, here is my male perspective on why so many male spouses have trouble dealing with a wife who is Dxed with MS. As has been said, guys are "fixers" but more than that, society beats into us from an early age to help women, to care for the women that we love, and most importantly, to protect them. By the time most men are grown (if they are raised right), it is next to instinctual to do things like open doors, give up a seat on a bus, etc. for women. When we are in relationships, we want to fix any problem and protect you from any harm.

That is why MS in a spouse is so hard on most guys. We can't "fix" the problem...there is no cure...so it makes a guy feel kind of helpless watching the woman they love deal with something that they can't fix. And then there is the harm. When he sees you overwhelmed or in pain, or unable to do something, it feels like failure to him. Because he has let harm come to you and he can't fix it. For a guy who always had your back and who never let harm come to you, seeing what MS does can just be really hard. He may shy away from dealing with it because it can make him feel like he has failed somehow...or that he feels helpless knowing you are hurting and he can't fix it.

I am not saying any of that to justify how he has reacted as right. I just say it so maybe you can understand part of why he might be feeling what he is feeling. If it has progressed to where it is causing fights and interfering with intimacy, you really ought to try to get him to counseling with you. Any disease like MS is hard enough by itself, neither of you needs the stress of relationship strife stacked on top of it to deal with. Just understand that he is suffering too when he sees you hurting and in pain. He may hide his feelings (most of us do), but he is probably scared of losing his best friend too, and probably even more scared of having to watch it happen slowly in front of his eyes, while he is helpless to do anything about it.

Good luck to both of you, and keep talking here. This is a great place with wonderfully supportive people.

Thanks so much TX, You are a gentleman among gentlemen!!!

Super post Batman. And yes, I agree with Sally. You are a gentleman among gentlemen .
Thanks for sharing your insight.

With love, Erika

Aaaahhhh Batman...

That was lovely, and you are a man after my husband's heart. He has been my rock, my support and my champion. Sure, it hasn't always been super easy, but pretty much as you have described.

I think half the women on the forum are in love with you after your post..... and the other half want to be your mum.

Lyn

Thank you so much for the male perspective on this!!! I've come to realize over the past couple days that it's not that he doesn't care - he cares too much. I've gone from feeling angry to now understanding where he's coming from. I have to give him some more time to cope and come out of his denial. Again, thank you.