What is it about family that exploits our sharpest extremes? Can anyone else love us or hurt us more? It is a most curious notion when we so readily assume that our family should always anticipate the slant of our thinking, possess the advance knowledge of what the misfired humor was meant to be, to know our needs and wishes through some mysteriously channeled wisdom, or to understand circumstances we have never bothered to share with one another.

Who among us has never been intensely hurt by family?

Vulnerability. It is with family that we share the deepest sorrows, the giddiest laughter, the oldest memories, the highest highs; conversely and remarkably, it is with family that we also exchange the most profound hurts, the most powerful fury, and hold the longest grudges.

Expectations. Whether we admit it or not, we most definitely hold the highest expectations for family. It is no wonder then, that our disappointments are the most bitter when we feel let down by those very people.

Projection. Do we see our own worst attributes in our closest family members? Do we place our own thoughts and fears upon them and assign that inward ugliness to the unsuspecting sibling, spouse or parent?

Judgement. “Family is supposed to understand and love us unconditionally.” Says who?

The holiday seasons seem to enhance, ferment, and make more pungent the foul odor of family discord. Is it any wonder that these pockets of time are called “seasons”?

Reckoning. We may expend tremendous negative energy over a few specific events as we eye the egregious offender blissfully sipping wine while enjoying old photos. The perpetrator remains entirely oblivious to the seething fury rising to the boil within the victim’s belly. One false move, something as simple as an unfortunately-timed quip, suddenly transforms the victim into a volcanic eruption, an explosion that literally destroys everything in its wake. Onlookers are then flung into the inevitable, awkward aftermath of disbelief, anger, blame, and curiosity over what had just transpired.

Regrouping. The holiday must be saved at any expense and it is our duty to break off into pairs to evaluate and examine the gravity and foundation of the underlying issue. After the customary tears, alliance building, and nose blowing, the various pairs reassemble into the group and begin the ritualistic expressions of gratitude and the clumsy apologies for abrupt departures.

In silence, all members of the gathering each conclude that the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of our respective parents and peace is again restored in the valley.