Cherie -

You are right - I'm still in the "trying to take it all in" mode right now. Unfortunately, I'm no longer in shock or denial. (wish I was though). I know this isn't a dream I will wake up from, not matter how much I wish it so. I also know that I will never be able to make sense of it - and right now, that is just killing me.

I don't know if the doctor is trying to scare me or push his own agenda on me. I think he is real with me - he doesn't pull punches or sugar-coat things. I am educated - and I have read whatever I can handle right now re: MS.

Put it this way, I have seen the neuro 4x since the first time I saw him. He even told me that he normally does not see patients that often...and I told him I wasn't just a patient right now - that this was too new and I was trying to make some sense out of my world. I told him that when a new symptom appears - I try to talk myself out of it - that it isn't real or imagining it. Then I reason with myself until I truly know that isn't true...and I know it is a symptom. And a few new ones have appeared. Don't know if that means this is technically another exacerbation or if it's just getting worse or whatever.

Doctor told me this is pretty aggressive from what he's seeing. No, I'm not dying, I'm not going to die from this. I may rapidly decline; we don't know. I may knock the MS off its feet before it knocks me off mine. As of this moment - I plan on being as aggressive as the MS is gonna be. Fight fire with fire, right? If MS is gonna play dirty, so am I. MS probably isn't expecting me to jump to something like Tysabri so quickly - well screw MS - I wasn't expecting it to show up like it did - stupid UNinvited houseguest!

Of course, ask me in 5 moments....and I'll tell you that I wish neurotalk had a smiley icon waving a lil white flag to show you.

I'm sure with time I will find my way and come to whatever "peace" i can come to - if possible. I dunno. Again, one of those time will tell things. Sheesh, I HATE those! I'm an impatient person - patience is not my virtue, I'll be the first to admit it (though, those that know me best, would gladly jump in front of me in line to admit that about me, too).

Anyhow, I'm having a rough night. Maybe it's the IVSM screwing with my mood, I dunno. Maybe I'm tired of being sick - and this nightmare has just begun.

Maybe I feel like I've had these life dreams - and while I never had a guarantee of any of them happening - I kept going through tremendous trials and tribulations in my life in hopes of catching that dangling carrot on the string....and now? It "feels" like there's just a string - where'd my carrot go??

~Keri

Thank you for graciously accepting my posting in the way it was intended. I know that sometimes things come across differently then the way we want them too, and I really am just trying to support you (in my own distorted way).

Admittedly, this disease is not pretty some of the time, but the person I've become because of it ain't so bad. You will eventually learn skills & coping mechanisms, and once you cut yourself some slack, you may even learn to like who you ultimately become as a result of this journey.

Cherie

Aww, Keri,

So many of us have gone through what you are going through. There are so many emotions involved with the simple statement, "You have MS." I went through the gamut of emotions. But, I always reminded myself that there are far worse illnesses I could have been diagnosed with.

Everyone here has given great advice! Therefore, I won't repeat any of their advice. Just know that we can understand first hand what you are going through and are here to help and support you.