And I hated it

I guess I have been living in denial land, more so than I wanted to admit. I haven't admitted that I am having spasms and pain in my thighs that ISN'T going away like I tell everyone. I don't want to admit that my fatigue has gotten worse since my last "possile" relapse. I still say possible relapse, possible MS, possible onset. I am afraid to read into anything because I am afraid I am "living up to a label" when the fact of the matter is, I have managed this for 8 years... and now it seems to be noticeable. I wonder, often, if it is because it has gotten worse, or because I am living up to the label (which is what I am afraid of). I wonder if I have MS I wonder if they made a mistake. I try to be strong on the outside to everone, and deny it to myself on the inside. I try not to use the word MS. I say disease, or discomfort, or possible...

So, in order not to live up to the label... I have not admitted pains and fatigue to myself, my family, or my doctor. Yesterday, it caught up to me. I had to face it head on, and boy did I question everything, even my VERY HAPPY marriage of 14 years.

I was sitting at work... all of a sudden I got so very tired. Everything went heavy. Even my eyelids felt like there were weights hanging from them. Then I knew... I knew this was beyond my control, more than just a little fatigue that would pass. Then I started questioning my jobs, geez, if I would have had to work my second job yesterday, I would not have made it. Then I started questioning my marriage. My husband starts tasks, and they remain unfinished. So, we have 100 things around the house that he has started and have not finished. His excuse would be that when he comes home and sees that I have been home all day and got nothing accomplished, it would **** him off (I knew this, and felt badly when it would happen, but this is before there was a name to go to this other than laziness). So, over the last few years, I have de-motivated him. Or I would end up needing his help to finish the tasks I started in the house and he would help me with the chores and not get his stuff done. So, I started thinking, what happens if the time come I can't do things like I can now, and add that I may need him to take care of me on top of the chores and the fixer upper things.. can I count on him... I mean in 5 minutes I had myself talked into divorcing the man that I love for his benefit... yes, extreme. I guess that is what happens when you face what you have been ignoring for 8 years.

The pain in my thighs was so bad yesterday I could not ignore it. I talked to a really good friend, we stopped for coffee. I tried talking to her (she is still in denial, and not wanting to accept this as well). I was trying to explain the fatigue I was feeling (and still fighting mind you cause I should have gone home and went to bed, but I am determined, still, not to allow this to run my life... so I pay later, I know), and she pipes up, Oh I am a little tired today to, maybe I have MS... She adds, she is really just kidding. I know it is hard to accept... but that kinda hurt me. I added about the past 8 years, and the reason my housekeeping sucks... and she says about being lazy. UGH, after the day I had yesterday... it just made me more depressed cause you CAN'T explain this to people, because they CAN'T see it, and they DON'T accept you ARE sick... heck, I don't accept it sometimes when I should.

ACK!!! I don't like this. I don't like it at all.

Anyhow... dh and I talked. I yelled... but he knew I was expressing my fears, and taking it out on him. He is a good man. He acknowledges that he has to pick up more slack, and that he is fine with that now that we know what is going on...

All this is so hard to admit, cause I am still holding out an ounce of hope my second opinion will say it is not MS. If that happens, where does that leave all this discovery and acceptance and blame... Back on me...

ACK, have I mentioned how much I don't like this. How much it scares me...

At least I feel better today, which means I can go back into denial mode cause I can veg tomorrow...LOL

ACK!!! I HATE THIS!!!! I really, really do. When does acceptance come. When do other people "get it." When do you stop second guessing everything, and face that some problems are or ARE NOT related to MS. When do you know when to say when? I don't wann say when... but when will I know if I hafta...

ACK!!!! I realy, really HATE THIS.

*stomps on floor, and considers throwing a temper tantrum on the floor... but realizes it will hurt to much and take to much effort to get off of said floor, so stomps some more*

When will it not be all about me anymore!!! I want life to get back to NORMAL!!!