My name is Ryan and I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD in August.

8 years ago my fiance at the time terminated a 6 month pregnancy with a coat hanger. I was very involved, going to every appointment and seeing every image of our son that was available. This messed me up pretty bad, I wound up developing alcoholism as well as some very violent behavior. My symptons were ever present but were reduced for some reason after a year or so had passed.

Approximately 2 years ago I witnessed a 9 year old boy get gunned down in broad daylight while on duty and I was unable to respond. After that happened I started developing more severe symptoms. I started having hallucinations of shadowy/demon looking things every night. I also became alot more paranoid and rageful. At this time the things I was seeing were somewhat far away, but over time I would see them scurrying around more closely.

In June, I was involved in an hour long gun battle. I had bullets bouncing all around me. Oddly I handled the situation quite calmly and felt at peace for some reason. That all changed when I noticed that people were standing outside in the line of fire with their young children. At that point I totally omitted the fact that rounds were zipping past me and completely focused on the children. After the fight ended I went back to my position and saw the most blatant shadow/demon hallucination to date. This time the damned thing was crawling up onto the hood of my vehicle, during daylight. It was so vivid that I backed my vehicle up to make sure it wasn't a person, I then saw the thing scurry into the bushes next to me. That night and for the following couple months I hit a major low.

I didn't want to die, but I didn't care about living. I just felt like riding off into the sunset, to be alone like Rambo was in the first movie. I felt as though I was a danger to my family. Everytime I had a paranoia situation occurr I had horrible thoughts of what I was going to do to this person if he were to harm my kids. I would actually create revenge situations in my head just to feel that vengeful feeling. Everytime somebody drove past me or my house slower than I thought they should be I thought they were scoping us out (still occurs). I was angry and felt numb to everything, I couldn't feel love for anyone. I was and am still having nightmares, but they aren't specific to any of the traumatic situations I was involved in. These nightmares involve various post apocolyptic type environments with me fighting alone to protect a child/children, usually children I'm not familiar with. These are quite vivid, I can actually feel pain or fear.

I decided to go and voluntarily admit myself in an in-patient hospital at a mental health hospital. This worked well, but they originally diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features. It wasn't until I was released that I met with their star doctor that I was diagnosed with PTSD and bipolarism.

I am now getting by while on 600 mg of Seroquel. This medication makes the hallucinations few and far between and helps with my paranoia a little bit but not enough really. I am still significantly messed up, but it's somewhat managable. I hope to connect with people on here that I can discuss these symptoms with and relate to.

welcome to NeuroTalk Ryan

My deepest sympathy at the loss of your child, and also for the other trauma you have been through. There are many caring people here who will be able to offer support.

In addition to our community, our sister site, Psych Central, has a very active PTSD forum. Here is the link so you can find any helpful info and extra support there as well
http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=15

Hello and welcome to NeuroTalk. Happy to see you have come to be with us. Just let us know if we can be of any help.

There are great and caring fellow members here to assist you. Our shouders are here for support in many ways. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Again welcome, looking forward to seeing you around.

Darlene

Thanks for the welcome, this is certainly the most pleasant welcome I've had in my search for online support.

Hello Ryan and Welcome to Neurotalk !

I am SO sorry to hear about everything you have had to endure! I really hope things start looking up for you soon and that you can get the help and support you need!

Everyone here on Neurotalk is so nice and understanding so i'm sure you'll find lots of useful information !

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask!

Alison