[Secret Grace]

I have been reading different things on here and I just do not know where this belongs.

I have Lupus and it is a nasty thing that causes me terrible pain at times in my joints and bones. I deal rather well with my health issues most of the time, but not lately. There are many issues that I feel are going to lead to a downfall soon if I do not change things. I have felt the spiral beginning once again.
I have a decent enough job that I used to love, but I am trying my best to deal with the terrible new boss I have had since April. It has really been hard to be upbeat and effective with this idiot in charge. I have been gaining weight due to meds and depression. It is hard to want to exercise. It only causes an increase in the pain I already deal with. So I work and come home.

My life revolves around being able to produce money. I am not sure what to do anymore but the biggest problem... the one that continues to haunt me is addiction. I have walked away twice from pills and alcohol. Scared of pills... I don't even take the amount of pain meds my Dr's will give me but lately I have found myself drinking way too much. I drink whiskey... straight, 3 ice cubes glass after glass until the pain leaves my bones and my mind is numb as

I watch stupid TV like Scrubs alone in my Apt. I have stopped dating due to not having the energy to have a social life, my friends are busy raising their children and I can not disappoint everyone once again by falling apart. I have been blacking out and posting all kinds of stupidness on Facebook. I never cared about offending people, but have never went out of my way to do it. To be honest I wish they all would leave. I don't want anyone witnesses to this. I can hide it for the most part. Really nobody will notice until the rent is late.

I am not sucidial at all. I am becoming extremely isolated though. I don't call much Mom anymore... She has been thorough enough with me, and deals with my brothers who are bigger screw ups than I could ever be. They say alcohol is poison and I guess I drink it because I want something inside of me to die.

Life can not be like this. A man without purpose slowly dies inside. Addiction removes purpose, and equals death as well. I have not drank in a few days out of fear.... I have been watching another person at work just fall apart (I know he is drinking more than I could imagine and has been for years and has reached the edge of the cliff) and helping them has been a bit of a band-aid on my own life but the issues remain. Alcohol, depression, weight gain, Lupus eating me alive... I can control the drinking. I just am in limbo on many levels.

Where do I go from here. I know all my issues. I am truthful to myself and there is no denial. There is no answers in my head right now. Just wasting time as usual...