Hi All!

I found this sight as I was surfing the net looking for help with my emotional issues. Most of my life I have struggled on and off with being depressed. I just seem to get stuck in the mud. I'm 36 years old, uninsured, and my income is very low. I'm trying to get through college and it just seems like it's never gonna end. Stuff keeps happening that postpones my schooling. I have a herniated disc that has had me flat on my back for 4 weeks, and it's barely better than when I started chiropractic treatment. I can't stand it. I don't know how to keep my hopes up anymore. I've had to drop a class, and that pushes me back yet another semester.
I'm in a relationship that is very good when it's good, and very bad when it's bad. I need financial independence, but it just seems like I'm never gonna reach it. Same thing with insurance, I don't have any, and we can't afford for me to pay for treatment. I'm scared to get help from the state...I'm easily intimidated and am worried about going into the city to get treatment. I just feel trapped...like there is nothing I can do that isn't going to feel like complete torture. I feel like I expend so much energy trying to keep my mood up. I might be up for a while, but eventually I fall and fall hard.

I'm so sick of being a bottom feeder. I wish I could take control of my life and maintain it. I've never been on meds and wonder if I need to be. I'm not a great pill taker. I've tried therapy, but it never seems to resolve anything. I might temporarily feel better, but it ends after therapy ends. I feel like such a needy person. I don't let my family (parents, brothers, etc.)know how I feel because I don't want them to look at me like I'm nuts. And my mom and dad will put pressure on me to get help, and I don't want to ask them for help, because there are always strings attached.

I imagine myself being someone successful and independent, but it seems like I'll never be able to do what it takes to reach that goal. I make changes and then I get stressed and down. I feel like such a failure and a loser. I have a big hole inside that can't be ignored when it rears it's ugly head...No matter how good I've been doing....so it seems like an endless cycle.

Patti star13,
Welcome aboard NeuroTalk.
I will reply more to your post when my home internet is restored. Meanwhile here on NT you're not alone in your struggles with-it-all.
Someone should be online shortly & hopefully respond more fully.
Hang in there, Gal. You are capable of your goals & vision for yourself ... you just don't yet know 'how'. And you will, I assure you.
(You can read my back-posts & threads.) You can/will do it, yes. Holding a candlelight for you

Thinking of you, your wellbeing,
Theta

WELCOME to NT!

My heart goes out to you after reading your post, I wish I could say the perfect thing that would help you see yourself through the eyes of someone who BELIEVES in you. My heart sank when I read your words "bottom feeder, needy, failure, and loser" This is not who you are.
Rather, you are that woman you said you imagine - the successful and independent one! It's the circumstances and hardships that have you weighed down which is keeping you from seeing this. That empty hole within you needs filled with inner strength, hope, and self-esteem. Believe me, I know what depression is and what it does. I've battled it most of my life. I see how it has robbed me many times of allowing me to be who I know I'm capable of being deep down inside.
Please know that you will not always be in this 'rut' you describe. Look beyond and focus on your goals. Life is full of stepping stones. The financial aspects always have a way of working themselves out somehow. Try not to see these things as mountains.

You've come to such a great place for support and care. I see you've found your way over to the depression forum. I will be seeing you over there.
Please find the strength to stand up tall and face these things that have you so weighed down. Face them with boldness. They can't beat you.
You CAN rise above this.

Medication might not be for everybody. In my case, I do take a couple of prescribed meds to help me deal with my depression and they help to keep me 'leveled out' and I don't fall so far down like I used to in the past.

You've done a great thing by coming here reaching out and willing to talk about it. That right there takes a big chunk out of the battle.... You won't be haunted by these thoughts that are trying to convince you that you are going nowhere.

You'll find many people here who understand.

Caring,
Rae

Patti,

It is great to have you come and be with us. You will fine a great number of dear friends to listen when you are in need of ears. Please, just let us know how we can help you out. You will find out we are supportive and relaxing place.

Please keep us up to date on your condition. Again welcome, looking forward to seeing you around. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Patti star13 wrote: "I have a herniated disc that has had me flat on my back for 4 weeks, and it's barely better than when I started chiropractic treatment. I can't stand it. I don't know how to keep my hopes up anymore."
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How are you doing today, Patti star13?
Thinking of you.

Have you tried applying cold packs to your back? For even 5-10 mins at a time? Alternating on & off, on & off.
I hope so.
While it's no 'cure' for herniated disc, it can sometimes diminish the anguishing pain for a time, e.g. sometimes up to 30-60 mins at a time, while the fresh-oxygenated blood returns to the area.

I hope that you have gotten some relief by now with your back. I know how stop-your-daily-life painful it can be. I've been 'nursing' my own back over the weekend.

Take care, Patti star. Keep posted, or PM me if you prefer.
It would just be good to know how you're doing this week.

Sincerely,
Theta